LemonGirl

Had my xabf for about 9 months... Around 7 months into it something big and awful happened that made me take a step back and reassess my relationship with him. Let me say that he has never been abusive; for me, that is a whole new playing field. Just after Christmas I decided to stop seeing him, unsure of whether or not I could continue a relationship, or how I was going to break it off with man whom I love dearly. I finally broke it off in mid January. BUT, I NEVER went No Contact. In fact, I never even gave him an ultimatum before I did break it off. I just set some boundaries that he has mostly respected, except for the occasional drunk text in the middle of the night. And when I broke it off, I simply explained that it was a deal breaker for me. (It was soooo painful to do it, however. I cried for days...) Shortly after, he had left on a vacation to another state for about 2-3 weeks, and we had very minimal contact. But he did begin saying things like he was having "sober" dreams, and that he wanted a sober life with me and my girls (2 dd's; he has a dd also). He got back from vaca and had managed to come clean to his family and some very close friends about what was going on.... that I had left and that he has a drinking problem. (honesty) But he still felt like he could control it, somehow....?

I started my recovery and have been doing very well with the occasional days where my thoughts are racing and I just don't know what to do with myself, but I DID NOT turn to him during these times and kept my distance. And well, I have been practicing detachment and keeping my boundaries. NO answering the phone at night, no enabling, no asking him questions and badgering him about what he is doing...

But we HAVE been talking. A lot. Without my prying, he opened up to me. Recently, he has resolved to begin AA meetings and has started to surround himself with people who are sober. Hmm... And, I told him about what I am going through. He read everything he could about codependency and was talking as if he wrote a book on it, and for whatever reason, he has made my part of recovery easier because of it. He now understands why I shut my phone off at night and why there is a distance between us and why we both need to work on ourselves for a while. Great!

And here is the kicker! Just yesterday, his brother was giving him grief for not having called their mom on her birthday. Later in the day he talks to his mom. Turns out she just got some really bad news and the doc gave her less than 5 years to live because of her smoking. And yeah, he is heart broken. I feel awful for him, and I did reach out to console him, but I didn't allow myself to own the problem. But he says to me that it makes no sense how someone who has all this family to live for could continue doing something that is going to kill them and not take care of themselves. And the lightbulb went off! He says he finally understands what I'm talking about and that he gets it now!

Dear lord... I can see how there is a higher power at work here. The question is, what will he do with all of this? He can still choose to drink, regardless of the facts in front of him, and I have to remind myself of that. That his recovery, his addiction, his emotions, his choices are all still his no matter how much all of these recent events and conversations are lining up to give me hope, and to give him a chance.

Admittedly, I never lost hope. Somewhere in the back of my mind as I moved forward I felt hope. And you know? I don't feel bad about that. I think life is messy, and that it's okay to be lost a little through it all. Whether we are on the side of addiction, or codependency, or what have you, THIS is the journey. And today, I just feel fine that it's a mess and not perfect. And yeah, I have hope. And yes, he could still choose to drink and I will just have to let that go. But I am actively forgiving my humanness and allowing life to happen one day at a time. Today, he is sober. Today, I didn't cross my boundaries and let others take advantage of me. Today, I didn't spiral downwards into a million worries and answers for him that could "save him". Today, I didn't cave and invite him back into my life just to comfort him. Today, I am good.

LexieCat

Well, it sounds like it's starting to sink in for him that the drinking is a problem--a big one. That's a good thing. And his going to AA is a good thing, too. It's always hard to tell, though, how close someone might be to really "getting" the First Step. That hangs a lot of people up for quite a while. The thinking might go something like, "Yeah, this drinking of mine has really gotten to be a problem. But I just can't imagine NEVER drinking again. I'll try going without it for a month or two. And if I can do that, then I'll know I really do have a handle on it and I can be much smarter about it." And a lot of people kinda circle around that for a while.

Sounds like you're keeping a realistic view of things, which is good. We can certainly hope!

LemonGirl

Right! I think just because he is seeing things, it doesn't mean his actions will follow. I sure hope they do! Heck, even if him and I don't work out, I hope for his sake that he "gets it"... But I do expect it to be a process. Who knows what his timeline will be.

Meanwhile, in codie-land, whatever that process is.... it's his personal drawing and I can't force his hand any which way. Got to keep that thought at the forefront of my mind and keep going after the things I want for me.