How do I take the focus off AH?

Old 03-09-2015, 07:03 AM
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How do I take the focus off AH?

Hi All -

My husband of 14 years is an alcoholic. We have 3 small children. Over the past 3 years, AH has done a lot of crappy, crappy things (stuff I am sure you are all familiar with). He didn't come home for days on end, said really terrible stuff about me to the kids, endangered the kids by driving drunk, etc... I asked him to move out in August. He did. I filed for divorce in September. His behavior has continued to decline. He broke into my emails and facebook and impersonated me. He steals my mail. He "went to rehab" several states away - turns out he was actually just staying with his brother and drinking. I mean, I could go on and on.

I guess what I am really struggling with is - how do I move on from my anger? I would love to take my focus OFF AH and focus on myself. Loosing weight, getting healthy, getting to a happy place with myself so my life can move forward. So I can be a better mom. But it is so much easier to focus on my anger with him. I am having trouble letting go of that anger to focus on myself.

So, how do I do that? How do I let go of him and focus on me? How do I let his actions not bother me?

Thanks for any help/advice!
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Old 03-09-2015, 07:16 AM
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Hello! I am glad you are here, great support here.

I don't think there will ever come a time that his actions don't bother you. Ever. However, you can let go of the resentment and anger because that hurts you.

For myself, I went to Celebrate Recovery, came here to SR, and I think most importantly, got counseling from a therapist who assists families with alcoholism. That made a really huge difference in my life. And honestly, time heals a lot of things. You will start a new life and move on. You will create new and happy experiences that replace the bad ones in your head.

I am sorry you are dealing with this, but glad you got you and your children out of that toxic environment.
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Old 03-09-2015, 07:27 AM
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Sounds like my ex-abusive-alcohol was just a symptom of much larger mental health issues. Stay far away and keep your guard up-and love on those kids!
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Old 03-09-2015, 07:39 AM
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One thing that helped me was that my therapist told me to focus on building a healthy home for my children. Understanding and accepting that I had no control over him, understanding and accepting that I couldn't change the past or what he did in the present or the future, but that I did have control over my life now -- and that I owed it to my children to build a healthy, functional home for them.

Al-Anon also helped me a lot -- and working their program. That was (even before I left AXH) my "me-time" when I was allowed to focus on myself. It took some getting used to after living in a situation where focus was on the A all day every day, but it really grew on me.
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Old 03-09-2015, 07:41 AM
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You've suffered a tremendous series of disappointments and anger is a natural response to that. I think you're learning, though, that anger can either be a great motivator for change, or it can eat you up inside. You don't want to look back at your life in five, ten, twenty years and feel that you lost all that time focusing on someone who let you down so terribly.

Therapy was the single biggest thing that helped me let go of all the resentments I held on to so tightly having grown up with an alcoholic mother. But there are lots of programs for recovery including Al-Anon and Celebrate Recovery. He may have had the drinking problem, but you have years of living with an active addict to recover from too.
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Old 03-09-2015, 08:08 AM
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I'm so sorry for what you've been through. It's felt like a nightmare, I'm sure.

What has worked for me, so far, to take the focus off of my AH:

I put the focus on my kids, making sure they're doing well, and we have fun, whether or not my husband comes along. And I make sure to follow up with conversations with them, whenever AH has some unbalanced or inaccurate interaction with them. My kids are what matter, now.

Remembering the phrase, "the best revenge is living well". That helps me a lot when I'm bitter about all of the junk he's put me through. I go and do something really productive for my own well-being.

Taking each minute as it comes. If I realize that I'm thinking about him too much, I make a choice to think about something positive in my own life, and stop my negative "him-thoughts" in their track.

By doing things just for me, like taking a class, getting together with friends, reading an escapist book.

And by establishing boundaries with regards to behavior that I will no longer tolerate. t used to be my list of what I wouldn't tolerate was quite short. I now add more and more to it every week. I guess I'm getting really weary of all of his nonsense. The latest one is all of the whining coming from AH. I used to sit and engage with this junk. Now I just leave the room (or the house) and go do something else.

Hope this helps. Sending hugs and prayers!
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Old 03-09-2015, 08:14 AM
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Based on his breaking into your emails and impersonating you online, you would probably be able to obtain a protective order that would prevent him from contacting you. Well, technically it wouldn't PREVENT it, but he could be arrested for doing so.

Just one thing to consider along with the great suggestions above. An order might keep him out of your life to the maximum extent possible and give you enough peace to pursue the suggestions above. If you would like to look into that, contact your local women's shelter or call the DV hotline and speak with an advocate.
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Old 03-09-2015, 08:26 AM
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Hi LB, is he back in your vicinity right now? If he's continuing to harass you, take action as per Lexie's post to stop him. It won't be easy to build your new life if he's actively stalking you and the children. If you can take care of that part, maybe try to do some fun things with the kids, and for yourself if you can get a sitter. Assuming you're in the States, it might be hard before spring, but even going for a walk around the neighbourhood, or to a movie would lighten the mood. Fun stuff with children doesn't have to cost money as they love board games, or making cookies, you name it. Write down a few ideas.
Good luck with your losing weight, I hope you have lots of success. If find that cheers me up on it's own.
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Old 03-09-2015, 08:28 AM
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At first your anger was a motivator for change and it was put to good use. I understand what you are asking now and that is to release yourself from anger and, I hope, also to find compassion for the alcoholic while also setting healthy boundaries and protecting your children in the process. Divorce is never easy, divorcing an alcoholic has it's own set of fears, unknowns, chaos, etc.

Others have given you good advice. For me, I had to go to a therapist/counselor and I attended Al Anon for a few years. The process led me to freedom from my own insanity. But, it's still a process and the anger is still there periodically. The good news is: I feel that I've developed tools for handling the anger and resentments now and that I know how to mentally and emotionally work through them. It was something that developed over time.

I started putting the focus on my son and making a consistent life for him. I took people up on invites to go to the movies, out for a cup of coffee, or out for a hike. I get a pedicure every so often and sometimes I treat myself to a new blouse or other indulgence. I make a concerted effort to improve my relationship with my Higher Power (whom I choose to call God).

You are a strong woman, you know what's right for your children and you will get through this. Sending you hugs and support today!
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Old 03-09-2015, 08:39 AM
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One other thing. LittleBirds3, if you begin to feel like you are struggling with depression or anxiety, seek help right away. A year ago, I was definitely feeling like life was becoming too much of a burden, and depression was setting in. Getting help for that has made taking better care of myself and my kids doable.
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Old 03-09-2015, 09:54 AM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
I started putting the focus on my son and making a consistent life for him. I took people up on invites to go to the movies, out for a cup of coffee, or out for a hike. I get a pedicure every so often and sometimes I treat myself to a new blouse or other indulgence. I make a concerted effort to improve my relationship with my Higher Power (whom I choose to call God).
^^This. I had to just DO it. I had to force myself outside of my comfort zone (aka hiding away at home) & go. do. things. For DD, for me, for both of us.

I forced myself to commit to activities & then forced myself to STAY PUT once I was there instead of rushing home. I had to stop myself from looking for reasons to back out of things once I had them planned too, I was really surprised at my own behavior. Eventually I also stopped spending that entire time wondering what AH was doing/where he was/who he was with & finally started focusing on & enjoying the things I was doing.

(But like the previous posters, I don't think you can ever stop yourself from being bothered by his actions, you can simply stop yourself from reacting poorly or in a way that wastes or exhausts your energy.)
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Old 03-09-2015, 10:09 AM
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Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
^^This. I had to just DO it. I had to force myself outside of my comfort zone (aka hiding away at home) & go. do. things. For DD, for me, for both of us.

I forced myself to commit to activities & then forced myself to STAY PUT once I was there instead of rushing home. I had to stop myself from looking for reasons to back out of things once I had them planned too, I was really surprised at my own behavior. Eventually I also stopped spending that entire time wondering what AH was doing/where he was/who he was with & finally started focusing on & enjoying the things I was doing.

(But like the previous posters, I don't think you can ever stop yourself from being bothered by his actions, you can simply stop yourself from reacting poorly or in a way that wastes or exhausts your energy.)
IMO this does say it all. I did have to force myself to do things. Anything...I felt trapped almost like a ton of bricks were on my chest, but eventually I did do things for myself and my DD. At first I really had to drag myself out of the house, but the more I forced myself to do things the less time I sat at home worrying about the AH and I started to feel better.

As time goes by it does get easier when we learn to focus on ourselves and our children instead of the A.

We are always here for support, keep coming back!
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Old 03-09-2015, 10:26 AM
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Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post

(But like the previous posters, I don't think you can ever stop yourself from being bothered by his actions, you can simply stop yourself from reacting poorly or in a way that wastes or exhausts your energy.)
I love this!! I think I keep trying to force myself to not care about what he does. But the fact is, when he drives by my house slowly, its creepy. And its OK to think its creepy. But it isn't OK to dwell on it or keep it from letting me do what I need or want to do that day.
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Old 03-09-2015, 10:30 AM
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And thank you all! I really love some of these suggestions - especially focusing on my kids and things I love to do - it is pretty warm where I live most of the year, so I am going to start TODAY after work by taking my sweet kids and dogs on a long walk after school. I just need to start focusing on a happier, healthier me and kids.

There are some AlAnon meetings near my office at lunch time - I will try those (it is harder for me to get there in the evenings, since I always have the kids - he doesn't have visitation right now).

I am in the process of taking care of some of the legal stuff - hopefully that will be wrapped up soon.

Thank you all for responding and reaching out. It was really helpful.
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Old 03-09-2015, 10:44 AM
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Originally Posted by knowthetriggers View Post
...I felt trapped almost like a ton of bricks were on my chest....
I think I even had a couple of panic attacks at first, it's been a while & it seems foreign to me now, but I remember that pressure on my chest, the shallow breathing & racing pulse.

I also found that I had to consciously stop myself from going Codie on someone else - like trying to hurry everyone along or getting frustrated if a friend I was with wanted to add another stop to our activities... "Wanna grab lunch?" should be a simple, non-confrontational question, right? When I heard myself sighing deeply, answering people in short, rude tones or being harder on DD than I normally would, I got a eyeful of my own behavior. Pushy, controlling, obsessed... gross.
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Old 03-09-2015, 11:21 AM
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I recommend Alanon, where I found incredible support and understanding from people who have walked in my shoes. It is a program of recovery for codependents stuck in a place they want to grow from. I find resentments intolerable to have and what helps me is asking "what's MY part in this?" In my case, I picked an alcoholic and stayed much longer than I should have. Helped relieve a lot of the rage since I saw the real problem was me. I can't change an alcoholic but I can change myself. A very big hug.
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Old 03-09-2015, 01:30 PM
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I need a physical way to stop my brain when I start to spiral. I have one of those dumb livestrong bracelets. When my head starts to go on and on about things I don't want it to, i start snapping on my wrist. Over and over while saying "STOP". It works!

The It gives me a second to breath and intentionally change directions. Back to where I want it to be : grattitude, friends, work, my to do list, weekend plans, or new hobbies.

I just needed a physical way to STOP the metaphorical propeller from spinning and it works.
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Old 03-09-2015, 02:09 PM
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Originally Posted by firebolt View Post
I need a physical way to stop my brain when I start to spiral. I have one of those dumb livestrong bracelets. When my head starts to go on and on about things I don't want it to, i start snapping on my wrist. Over and over while saying "STOP". It works!

The It gives me a second to breath and intentionally change directions. Back to where I want it to be : grattitude, friends, work, my to do list, weekend plans, or new hobbies.

I just needed a physical way to STOP the metaphorical propeller from spinning and it works.

FB, I really like that idea! Like an intentional trigger. I might try that!
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Old 03-09-2015, 05:42 PM
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Well, his addictions and behavior should bother you. That's okay. That's normal. Don't beat yourself up about it. They bother me and I don't even know him.

Here's one thing that is helping me immensely, dealing with my own AH (married 16 years; 3 children, like you). Have you tried meditating? There is a free Oprah/Deepak meditation series coming up soon, online. It takes 10 minutes a day. I did a series in the fall (actually only 5 of the 21 sessions) and found it really helpful in disentangling myself from the craziness of my own mind. Now I'm taking a meditation class and continue to find it the best therapy ever.
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