tigerlily1

AH has been on a binge since Sunday. Left yesterday AM for work and has not yet returned. Received one phone call this am just saying got drunk was at ... House. My question is how do I respond to this? I am trying to focus on doing stuff for myself and my son. This however is totally unacceptable to just disappear and not call drinking or not. In healthy detachment do you say anything when he gets home or am I supposed to ignore his behaviour?? I am realizing how much pain we live with on a regular basis. Have gone from being super angry to just so sad that this is our life. Any thoughts on healthy detachment in this situation appreciated.

SparkleKitty

Healthy detachment, in this case, for me, would be to continue to focus on you. If his behavior is truly unacceptable, and since you cannot change him, then you have to make your decisions accordingly. If it were me, I would not say anything at all, but I would focus on taking care of myself and figuring out what I want out of life and how to get it. I would be asking myself, if this is as good as it gets, is it good enough for me?

Detachment isn't really a viable long-term plan for living with active addiction. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, I know how lonely and frustrating it can be.

dandylion

tigetlily....in your particular situation, I would say to just ignore it.

To confront or even talk about it is almost guranteed to make for arguing, blaming, fighting and more drama chaos in your home.
He already knows that he should call.

tiger, you can't force him to call or to quit drinking...or anything he doesn't want to do.

Why put yourself through the grief about something you can't do anything about. Some things, we just don't have control over.....

dandylion

biminiblue

My ex disappeared once for several days. I did rant when he came home. He just stared at me and didn't answer. He was a very head-in-the-sand kind of person and would not talk about anything.

That killed most of my feelings for him, though. That incident. By the time he disappeared again a year later, I was done. I asked him to move out a month later.

FireSprite

Well, if you're me, you pile all of his crap on the front porch for him to take when he gets there. I have no problem being forceful with this boundary, that disappearing act is something I won't tolerate.

What is your boundary with this? If you haven't defined one, now is a good time to think about how much you are willing to tolerate & how best to enforce those boundaries.

Detachment for me would be a way of keeping myself & DD busy & not caught up in the stress of worrying about RAH. It doesn't mean that I ignore bad behavior or just sweep it under the rug & move on... but I don't run around stressed & spilling that onto others.

When & how you say whatever you need to say is up to you - depending on your situation. If he's violent, still drunk, etc., you want to make sure you are protecting your safety first. Since he's actively drinking he probably won't "hear" you anyway, it may not be worth wasting your oxygen, ya know?

dandylion

tiger, I just want to add that I am so sorry that you are experiencing this.
It is miserable, I know....

Just don't let it beat you down so that you take your eye off of what is best for you.

dandylion

RDBplus3

hello tigerlily,
i drank for 40 years. my wife asked me to quit drinking at a point in time, and i was surprised, to say the least. i did not perceive myself as having a drinking problem. i 'tried' to quit, and i was surprised i couldn't do it. then i realized i really didn't want to quit, so i tried to cut back and regulate. it was like playing russian roulette...i could not predict when i could control my drinking and when it would take over and i would be out of control.

my wife asked me to leave the house a number of times, and although i may have argued, i did it to keep peace in the home. this cycle went on for a long time. at one point i went to the hospital because of an incident where my blood pressure spiked and i almost had a stroke. i agreed to go thru a treatment center program, and within 6 weeks i was drinking again. this went on for another year. i was out of the house again, and i hit a terrible state of mind in the midst of my drunkenness. i finally completely gave up, and committed myself to working the 12 steps of aa with a sponsor.

thru working the steps, AN ABSOLUTE MIRACLE HAPPENED, GOD did for me what i could not do for myself. i am over a year completely SOBER & FREE, and i maintain that condition by working the DAILY STEPS OF AA - 10,11,12.

i can say now, in response to your question that unfortunately, HEALTHY DETACHMENT may very well mean DETACHMENT. if the only way you can express to your husband that his drinking is causing so much pain in the family, then HEALTHY DETACHMENT may mean just that..for the welfare of YOU and YOUR FAMILY.

RDBplus3....Happy, Sober, and FREE...and I know and PRAY that YOU and your husband can be too.

RDBplus3

...i meant to also say...my wife and kids and i have a very good relationship now, and i live at home...now that I am sober and working the SPIRITUAL PROGRAM OF AA.

RDBplus 3

cookiesncream

I personally don't think not saying anything at all is the right approach, it just fills you with more anger and resentment than you already feel. I would be inclined to let him sober up and get over his hangover first. I'd write out every feeling you have and then tell him how you feel in a gentle manner. I know that will be hard as anything for you to do. Telling him how you feel won't change a thing but at least you get it out there. I'd let him know that not calling is hurtful and unacceptable. I'd also let him know what the consequences will be should the not calling occur again aka you will be contacting the police to locate him or the like. Coming from the "A" side we don't get better as long as we aren't facing some consequences. Face enough consequences and either we'll get our act together or you'll leave but in the end you end the stalemate.

tigerlily1

Firesprite thanks you made me laugh. I wish I could dump all his stuff on the front step. I guess In some way it just feels like I am saying no problem go ahead and stay out all night by not saying anything. However after reading all your responses reminds me he is not a child and I am not his Mother. As Dandylion said its his choice how he lives his life. The question I guess for me is when is enough enough?! As I have said before I have MS and cannot work. Being alone and dependent only on disability terrifies me. However, each day I feel I am getting closer and closer to just wanting out and peace.

Eauchiche

Dear ADB
Congratulations on your recovery, sir. Your family and all of us thank you from the bottom of our hearts. May God continue to bless you on your journey.

Meanwhile, I am so sorry, tigerlily. I am glad we can all be here to support each other.

I also had a couple of nasty e-mails from my separated mate yesterday. Every time this happens, I remember why we went limited contact. I am starting to shift from being Mr. Nice Guy to him. I am just sick of his BS, and am tired of trying. I see now how we get to a point where we just need to move on.

firebolt

I'm so sorry. What a difficult and painful place to be in....and such a catch 22. You SHOULD be able to let him know that it hurts you and your family, and is unacceptable. On the flip side, it is highly unlikely that anything will change, or that your feelings will even be validated. I'm so sorry. Jeep doing what you are doing to protect you and yours, and keep a happy and healthy life for you!!!! (((HUGS)))

AliWProk

Enough is enough when you decide. You define your boundaries and consequences, and then you enforce them. Detachment is a learned skill, it takes time. If you do decide to talk to him, I would take the advice of cookiesncream and wait until he is through with his hangover and hasn't started drinking again.

If there is any violence, then enough is enough NOW.

LexieCat

I don't think detachment precludes you from saying something. But you want to think about what you communicate, and how. Screaming and crying usually aren't terribly effective, and contribute to your feeling victimized and out of control.

It might be best to just say something along the lines of how it affected you and your son (don't know how old your son is). "I was very concerned that something bad had happened to you when you stayed out all night without calling me. I'd appreciate it if you would let me know that you're OK and when I can expect you so I don't have to worry." No discussion or argument. If he disputes or tries to excuse his conduct, just repeat how it affected you. And then drop it.

It's important not to engage in passive-aggressive behaviors like totally ignoring him or giving him the silent treatment. Vent here if you must, or call a friend to unload.

tigerlily1

Lexie your post came at just the right time. He is now home and on the couch as I am sure he does not feel well. However, I am being totally passive aggressive in ignoring him and not looking at him when he is walking around. I was trying not to talk to him re my feelings as yet as I am sure he is totally sick and hung over. However I was making sure that silently he knew my feelings. Ok so need to stop that!!

cookiesncream

We put you FFA through hades"-( Hang in there. I know you have a lot on your plate and I'm sure you're well educated in all things addiction related. I just wanted to say that in this past year between IOP, reading a lot of memoirs written by those that suffered with addiction, and and and, there are some people that wake up one day without some heavy pressure and say "I think I have an alcohol problem maybe I should stop." I'm not going to say that lightening bolts don't happen but usually it does take increasingly bad consequences for an addict to decide to quit. Sometimes its a legal issue or a near legal issue, sometimes its a health issue, and sometimes its friends and family finally saying they've had ENOUGH to make us see the light so to speak. Sounds like for a lot of reasons (financial as number one) to hang in there. Problem I see with this is so long as he "thinks" you'll never leave or kick him out you may see a whole lot more of the same. You may not be ready to think this far in advance but you may want to start looking into that option. If he KNOWS that there will be some pretty harsh consequences coming down the line he might just start thinking twice about his behavior. Just my 58 cents for whatever its not worth;-)

peace

ErinGoBragh

I went through this too. The thing is, I was still reacting to what my husband did.

I'm sorry, but I simply don't think there is any form of successful detachment while living with an active alcoholic, especially one who has progressed in the disease.

Yes, I detached to the best of my abilities, but I was tense all the time. I was nervous. My muscles would tense and my jaw would tighten - not to mention my stomach going crazy - when he would stagger out of his bedroom to stare into the fridge for the umpteenth time that night.

I finally detached by moving out. And even after I moved out, it took me a number of years to reach the point where I could detach with complete peace.

I applaud those who can live with an alcoholic partner and detach. However, in my opinion, we are made to be relating beings. When you cannot relate to a partner on any meaningful level, or there is constant tension in the home ... well, I just don't think it is going to work.

Several months ago, after being separated from my now-deceased AH for five years, I was able to say to myself, "I wish him well. I don't hate him. I care about him, but I can't help him. I hope he seeks recovery."

I loved my husband. I truly love him to this day. But I hated myself when we lived together. And I figured out I couldn't live anyplace where I had to expend so much energy every single day just trying to love myself.

JMO.

LexieCat

I've heard a lot of people here say (and I tend to agree) that detachment works best as a temporary measure, not as a way to live with alcoholism indefinitely. I suppose some people do manage it for the long haul, but I can't imagine it. I think in healthy relationships partners do maintain a good deal of autonomy--they aren't enmeshed to begin with, so there isn't any need to "practice" detachment. But in an alcoholic relationship, appropriate detachment CAN reduce the incidence of useless arguments and unproductive actions (pouring out booze, monitoring what the alcoholic is doing, thinking, etc.)

tigerlily1

Thanks everyone for your input! I appreciate it! Well I have managed to pass the time without saying a word re the disappearing. I plan to share my feelings tomorrow with the hope of just stating the affect it had on myself and son. I have done the crying and demanding change a million times with zero positive outcome! My son by the way is 18 and graduating this year. My current AH is his stepdad and has been since he was four. I know that after my son leaves staying here is not going to be optional if the drinking remains as is. I cannot see doing this long term!! Many things have changed recently from us building a house and moving to the country to me no longer being able to work because of my MS.

LemonGirl

I had a similar question, just on a smaller scale. I grappled all day long with should I say something or shouldn't I? I didn't even want to begin the whole feeling victimized thing. So I traced my steps back to where I over extended myself and realized that my whole little mess today came because I wasn't clear about a personal boundary. So instead of barking out my disapproval, I reiterated my boundary.... gently, and it worked! No drama and stress officially relieved.

However, time will tell if he will respect it or not. I guess when the boundaries aren't respected then it is up to us to renew them and create new ones accordingly?