redrose0729

I just want to feel better . I am a mixed boat of emotions right now. My A bf left tonight to go spend a few days at his mothers house to look for work ( more jobs availible ). She lives about 35 minutes from our home. Yet part of me is mad because I know he went because she will give him money for beer and ciggarettes and he will be able to get some weed while I am sitting here with no money because of his stupidity he spent our last bit of money going out during the night on crack. I feel like he should sit his butt here and suffer along with me. I am hopefull though that he will get a job pretty quick and start bringing in some money. Last night he was wanting me to get him some beer because he had drank all of his up and I told him he had drank what was supposed to last him at least 3 days in 2 and that was not fair to me to have to do without because he could not control his self just to drink it because it was there. He did not push the issue and I did not get his beer. Soooo this afternoon he goes to his mothers. She will buy his beer so he will not go and do crack. He uses my weight problem as an excuse not to be entimate with me but then has also said he has to punish himself. Today right before he started packing up to go to his mothers he was critisizing me about my eating and weight and I told him I was sooo sorry that my appearance was so grotesk for him and that maybe one day I would be perfect and meanwhile he could keep on being as imperfect as he wanted to be. I told him the other night that I hated it he felt it was necassary to punish me for being overweight and that I did not punish him for being an addict. In the past year I have lost 70 pounds but,, I have been off my diet for months and been at a stand still . I want to continue on but I have been so dipressed I do not have the motivation to. I hate feeling like this it seems like I cannot even function right , consentrate right , or anything. I just want to get out of this depression. I keep saying I have to fix what is wrong with me but I cannot seem to find motivation to get up and do it. Its like I feel so empty inside and I cannot stand it. Pray for me I need it. Just last night I felt God speaking to me , he let me realize that I had been on my own for over a year since my divorce and I had done just fine. I was always afraid to branch out on my own before afraid I could not make it and somehow by God's grace I have so far. I have not been putting God first in my life and I know I need to please pray for me that I will get the strength to do that I need his loving of comfort around me. Thanks for listening everyone I just needed to let these feelings out.

angelar

(((red rose)))
I think we are as beautiful as we let ourselves be.
How beautiful can you feel while living with a person who crushes your soul?
I think any of us in your situation would feel lousy too.

Take care of yourself, God has plans.

always, angela

bookworm

Is there any way you can start putting aside a bit of money for yourself at all? Having some financial independence might help you feel more empowered - you sound so sad, rose - you need to do something for yourself. You sound so powerless but you don't need to be. You made a success of being on your own for a year, so there's proof that you're more than capable of having control over your destiny. There's an Overeaters Anonymous organisation similar to Al-Anon. Try this:

http://www.overeatersanonymous.org/

There's next to nothing you can do about his mother buying him his booze and ciggies and there's nothing you can do about about the cruel things he says to you.
Look after yourself - blessings to you.
Sandra

smoke gets in my eyes

((( redrose )))

Stress is the enemy of diets. I've read that it causes our metabolisms to become very "efficient", making us retain the weight we have. That and it makes us want to snack. :wink2:

Question- Unemployed boyfriend? How is it "our" money?


Hugs!
Smoke

redrose0729

Thanks guys if feels good to be able to reach out and know you are there. Right now I am not working Fall registration for school is comming up this week I was wanting to see how my class schedule was going to be before I started back to work. I only get $250 a month in child support for 2 children and I am lucky my ex-husband is starting to pay that pretty regular . The last job my bf worked he lost it because they took hiar sample drug testing they were trying to get rid of someone that had been there 12+ years he was doing cocaine on the job. His checks were automatically deposited into his savings account and he gave me his card so I could handle the money because he doesn't trust himself. He feels like he owes me for money he has took from me . There are times when he can be the sweetest most caring person in the world but times he can be so critical. I think he does this so he doesn't have to think about the drugs. He tries to keep his mind occupied by working and being around people especially kids ( he has always loved kids) . It is so sad he is a bright intellegent man and I see his intellegence fading and I miss the long talks we used to have for hours and hours even though I was tired the next day I enjoyed them so much and it left me inspired to be an even better person. I would study harder and doll myself up. He used to tell me I was sexy and it made me want to be sexier. I can't explain the look I see in his eyes sad and inquisitive at the same time. I saw an ad on the net for a part time crossing guard at the school my children goes to I think if I could get that it would tie into my school schedule great. I need to pull myself together so I can focus on school because that is my future and my kids future. I get so upset I am 35 years old and I see all the people I went to school with in the jobs they like and owning their own homes and able to buy nice cars when I am living in a trailer that my parents own ( its a step up I was living in a real getto ) and my parents bought me a car when I split up with my husband so I would have transportation. I wish I was the one who bought this trailer and I was the one who bought my car and all. I sorry I am whinning I just feel like I should be helping my parents and not a burden to them. I think God gave me a great set of parents my mother is helping me go back to school to finish up it should take me about a year to be finished. I know I could never repay them for what they have done for me the only thing I can do is do my best to finish school and get a good job so they don't have to worry about how I am going to take care of myself and my kids. I think I will try that overeaters annonomys it can hurt all it can do is help. I also plan to start putting away money that he does not know about and not to be mean just as a back up in the long run he will be greatful for that. Well sorry so long but writing all this down is helping me put things in prospective.

Magichappens

((redrose))
Have you considered attending any Al-Anon meetings? Just like there are people here that understand, Al-Anon is a great source of love and support. Attending meetings was the beginning of my learning to take care of myself. I still go to at least two a week, and sometimes more. I have learned how to have healthy relationships, take care of myself, and become a happy and serene person. I have been able to stop looking for others to make me happy and begun to find happiness from within. We don't have to do this alone. There are people who want to help, and who understand and have been where you are. And real hugs beat cyber hugs any day. Magic

bookworm

well it sounds like you're a little bit more cheerful - that job sounds ideal if you're going to school as well. Go for it!

I know how you feel about your firends all doing things you'd like to do - I've got the same problem but I just learned to accept things the way they were. We don't own our own home, don't drive flash cars and such but at least I have my health and at least I've found a road to revocery and that can't be a bad thing. Don't let it all get to you rose - it'll only make you feel worse if you do. All your parents really want for you is happiness.
HugZ
Sandra

redrose0729

Thanks Sandra . You are right that is all my parents want and I am so greatful for them. I need to learn to count my blessings more often.

Teggie

(((Redrose)))) It sounds like you are doing the best you can. Don't put yourself down, your trying to better yourself for you and your kids. Your parants understand that and sound supportive. I know things may seem to suck now but they will get better, it's just going to take a little time. You have to do whats good for you and the kids. Don't doubt yourself. We're rooting for you! Hugs! Teggie

shutterbug

Red Rose, I don't know much, but my situation (and past relationships too) sound soooooo much like yours. I too have been an emotional basketcase lately (and a mental basketcase as of yesterday).

In my case, I think my A would critize my weight because of his own insecurities. It was easier for him to look at someone else and tell them how easy it is to fix THEIR problems. I think he does that to feel good about himself because he knows he can't control the crap in his own life so he thinks he can control someone else's, but my A always called it "helping" instead of "controlling". AND that way he could get my focus off of his drinking and drugging (actually the one ex of mine, who did drugs too, would always accuse me of cheating on him even if I had been at work all day and even if he had driven by a hundred times and knew I wasn't lying about being there). But whether it's weight issues (as with my last alcoholic bf) or cheating or whatever — all of it worked to put me on the defensive instead of the offensive! Which I think is their motive for all the critizisms and verbal abuse.

And if you decide to join the fellowship of Al-anon, one of the first things you are likely to discover is that you are powerless over his addictions. He is going to do what he is going to do...regardless of what you do or don't. The great thing that comes with that knowledge is (well there are several benefits to truely coming to understand and believe we are powerless), but one is that I know I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. So there was a huge weight lifted from me when I stopped trying to take responsibility for him , his life, his mistakes and yes...even the way he treated me and talked down to me. I thought I was the one who had to fix everything, my weight included. But here is the kicker...I lost 45 pounds and you said you've lost 70, but that's still not good enough and even if we were both toothpicks, these men would just find something else to focus on. Mine also didn't like the way I breathed when I slept or how I coughed when I was sick! Come on. Give me a break! I can't believe I ever let myself become self conscience about the way I coughed, but I did. I HATED to have to cough around him.

My thinking had become completely distorted and it still is to a great extent, but I do know I will get better in time if I work the program and work on MY recovery. I have good days and bad ones. Yesterday was a bad one and today I am feeling much better thanks to my friends here and at my Al-anon meetings.

I've probably said too much. I just wanted you to know that there are others going through some of the same feelings, emotions and struggles here, in your hometown and all over the world.

Glad you're here and hang in there,
God Bless,
Jenna

Teggie

((((Jenna))) Just wanted to give you a big hug for that wonderful post!!

redrose0729

Thanks Teggie and Jenna reading your posts really helped me feel better. I need prayers right now I don't know if I will be able to go to school this symester the money my mother needed to pay for it will be on her check at the begining of Sept. butttt at least 1/3 of my tuition has to be paid by Aug. 23 or my registration will be voided on the morning of the 24th. If it is meant to be it will work out if not I will get a job for now (which I am going to get a part time one anyway if I can) and work on giving my girls a good Christmas.
Its kind of funny my bf is at his mothers right now and I am feeling more grounded and centered. I love him very much and miss him but, I am learning ( thanks to all of my new friends here) to separate myself from his problems as best I can. When I allow myself to get down he can't even respect me, truthfully he is more attracted to me when I am feeling more positive and upbeat. He says its something about my facil expressions that he just loves, he also likes me better when I stand up for myself even to him. How can one man have so many characterics alot like many addicts and yet be different also. I guess its because God doesn't make carbon copies....I do believe he focuses on my faults to take his mind off of his. Right now he will do anything to take his mind off drugs, I wish there was something to take his mind off of the alcohol too. Buttt that is for him to deal with not me. But I am seeing controling ways of his and he is about to get a big wake up call with that. He made a comment a few days ago about that I could never skip a meal ( I have low blood sugar I am not supposed to ) I told him when he could go 24 hours without drugs or alcohol of any kind then talk to me about skipping a meal. I told his sisters and I should tell him my eating has never caused the problems his drugs and alcohol has caused , it never caused me to steal, it has never put me in the hospital, never caused me to loose a job, never worried my mother that I was going to go out and kill myself eating.
Anyway I am babbling on sorry... Say prays for Gods will about the school thing either way he knows best and is in control not me.

Thanks and Hugs to all
Rose

shutterbug

Rose, you sound like you are feeling much better, but if I may, I would like to offer a suggestion I have picked up from my readings and that is this...focus on you and not him. That also means don't point out his downfalls, just like you don't want him pointing out yours. He knows what he has done and he will probably do a lot more of the same until he decides for himself that he wants to find recovery. Alcoholism is a disease and if you can seperate the disease from the person then you will be making a huge step for the both of you. Give him the dignity of making his own mistakes, just as you want him to do for you.

The best thing you can do is to be supportive of him (even if he isn't always or rarely supportive of you) and even though his actions make you angry and upset, you still have to let him make his own mistakes. If he doesn't have to worry about you getting upset with him when he makes mistakes, he may become more open and honest with you instead of trying to hide them or cover them up. (There are of course such things as unacceptable behaviors, even for alcoholics and drug addicts and that's where you will need to figure out where your personal boundries are and not let him cross those. Which is something I'm currently working on figuring out for myself.)

All of us here are trying to learn healthier ways of thinking and the best thing you can do for yourself (and your bf) is to run to the nearest Al-anon meeting (if you haven't already done so). There is so much peace to be found at those meetings. Just being face to face and listening to the stories of others who have been down a path similar to yours and who are also working toward recovery - well it has some kind of almost magical and uplifting feeling to it. I can't describe it. And Al-anon meetings can be found all around the world, in small towns and in huge cities. You might try looking in the phone book for one in your area if you are interested. I would be lost without my meetings. I try to go to as many as I can (2-4 a week), some of which are AA meetings even though I'm not an alcoholic - it just helps me to learn about their side of the disease too.

Anyway, Hang in there and best of luck with the school finances. I know how stressful that can be.

I will be keeping you in my prayers
God Bless,
Jenna

P.S. I'm sure you do, but just a reminder...Hug your children everyday.
I grew up without many hugs and now struggle when I have to hug someone or even shake hands (with anyone other than the man in my life at the time). I never felt loved and I believe that is why I've searched so hard for it as an adult. I have always clinged to any man I felt even a small connection with and who would let me cling.

It is not God's will for me to have children yet so it makes me think about them all the time so this is just...

****A REMINDER FOR EVERYONE TO HUG YOUR CHILDREN EVERY DAY*****

cwohio

((((redrose)))) - what shutterbug says is true - focus on yourself. and find a meeting to attend - they really do help and it helps reinforce the concept of "you" not the a's. prayers for your school issue!

shutterbug - wonderful post! i too have always had a hard time with physical affection (hugs, etc.) and have almost forced myself to get out of that mold. the more i do it spontaneously, the better it feels. there was a person in one of my meetings that was having a difficult time and after the meeting, i just went up and hugged her and told her i understood her emotions. i think she really appreciated it and it didn't cost me a thing! we all need that human touch - i say, not only hug your children, hug anyone you feel close to!

HUG ANYONE TODAY!!!!

cwohio

redrose0729

eeeeewwwwwwwww I did sound mean thank you for helping me see that. Maybe I do lash out at him more than I think I do. I am going to be alot more concious of that. The problem with going to alanon is there is only one a week here and it is on Tues. nights at 8pm my girls do not get out of dance class untill 7:30 and with him gone right now I have no one to watch my girls. My mother knows that my bf has had a problem but she doesn't know how bad it is right now. My Dad does not know but he is a smart and I think he suspects my bf will drink beer in front of him . It was funny Daddy and my bf was moving us into this new trailer and my pregnant niece was here and Daddy was telling her she needed to talk with a preacher about joining the church ( she goes to church every Sunday ) and right at that time by bf was putting his Beers in the fridge they both said he's the one who needs to see a preacher my bf just smiled. It was a funny moment you had to be there to see the humor. Oppps I drifted but , it will be hard for me to talk to them about his problems . I am trying to get my mom to go to alanon because my brother is an addict and does not admit it. It is about to drive here nuts she is on medication and her doctor wants her to start seeing a therepist. So I go on painting up this great picture of my bf to them which in alot of ways he a good man , a good man with problems, because I am afraid to let them know differently and they have enough stress in their life they don't need to have to worry about my problems. If my mom does go it will be hard for me to open up in the meetings. I will keep praying on this issue and I will trust God to help me find the answers to it.
I have been doing alot of thinking about the letting him take responsibility for his own actions and the dignity to make his own mistakes thing. I believe I was right in telling him that if he sold anything else to buy drugs that I would not buy it back..but... here is one thing that is playing on my mind. He turns all his money over to me for me to handle and hold onto I don't mind that but .. I have to monitor the money he holds and issue it out to him. When he messes up his family asks how did he get money. I feel like a babysitter with this and I just have been thinking how bad it must make him feel with everyone including his family treating him like a child. I am thinking when he goes back to work I need to change that. I think maybe it would be good to let him open up another checking account and let him use a visa check card and deposit what we can afford for him to have after paying the bills and if he blows it then he has to deal with what he has done. I don't know any ideas would be welcome here. I know in alot of relationships one person does handle the money and that is okay, but I want to move away from the babysitting thing.
Back to the alanon meetings it may take a few weeks but as soon as we get back on our feet I think I am going to ask his sister to go with me. His sister was in a relationship with her boyfriend for several years he was an alcoholic and the first Saturday in January she woke up and found him on her couch dead. I think if I can talk her into it it will be good for both of us but for right now I don't have the gas money to do that. In the mean time I will keep looking for online meeting here at this site. Thats all I can do at this time.

tryinhard

As an addict, i have to say that your guy is rather doing one of two things when he mentions your weight. i am overweight and married, if it matters. he is rather going into defense mode and lashing out with insults which he knows will hurt you, or he truly does not love you and you have simply been an "enabler" for him so he can get high. for your sake, i hope ,and i will pray, that it is the first one. either way, it goes deeper than him sobering up and you loosing weight. i am speeking from experience. my wife and i have lost weight and i have went a significant period sober and we still had problems. is your guy getting help for his addiction, or is he just stopping? he will need to learn skills to live sober, not just not use. and if he is not willing to get help for the addiction, and also willing to go in therapy for the relationship, then you might need to consider the second option i suggested. just figured i would ring in with my thoughts.

redrose0729

He is trying to quit on his own . He tried aa when he was in the army and he said sitting around talking about drugs makes him want to go get some. There are times when he is ready to go into rehab and then when he comes down off of the stuff he thinks he can dicipline himself and stay off of it and we all know that is not going to work. He doesn't need me to enable him that is what his mother does for him. I recently realized that I have to and have did alot to stop it. But, I know that is not the reason he is with me. His whole family thinks like he does with the weight issue because they cannot understand they can eat like pigs and never gain a pound my boyfriend at his heaviest weighs 145 and if I ate like him I would not be able to fit through my front door. His sister calls him her garbage disposal if there are any left overs in the fridge he will take care of them you will not have to throw anything out.LOL . He is not really that mean with it in some ways but it just hurts . My ex-husband wasn't an A and he was alot worse . My ex was just an a** hole. I know that sounds mean of me to say but its true I was called every name by him except a child of God.

shutterbug

Haven't heard from you as of late and was wondering how you are doing? Has anything gotten better? Did you decide to try an Alanon meeting?

Hugs,
Jenna

redrose0729

I have been too depressed to come on right now I wish I could go to an alanon meeting but I just don't see how I can I don't have anyone to watch the kids. I am going through alot of emotions right now. I am thinking about ending my relationship with my bf. I am hurting so bad right now because I love him so much, but I am tired. I bend over backwards to be there for people and when I need shoulders to lean on no one wants to be there for me. I am tired of him pulling away from me when he is depressed. I am tired of waiting on him to give me any little bits of attention that he wants to . He has been at his mothers house for almost 2 weeks and he hardly calls me and when we are on the phone its only for a few minutes and then he wants to go. Then there will be the magic day when he wants to be here and show me attention . I am tired of feeling like a yo yo. I don't know . Pray for me I just feel the need to feel God pick me up and cradle me right now...

kfa2004

Redrose0729
I am sorry you are having such a bad time. I know just what you mean though. I am sending prayers you way.
Hugs.
Kat