RedDog735

I am codependent on my alcoholic ex boyfriend. I recently called things off and I am immediately regretting it. I have not heard from him in ten hours, which is a tad abnormal than usual. He admitted to being "embarrassed for making me sleep at my mothers last night" and "ashamed of his behavior when he drinks." He also said that "he is truly sorry for hurting me." He was really beating himself up earlier, saying that "he is very upset that he cannot just drink like normal people."
I sense that something is wrong and I cannot get ahold of him. I tried calling twice, and I am freaking out. Please send me some suggestions/kind words/support.
Hugs.

Mango blast

Things you might try, if you like:

- Let go & let God.

- Breath deeply. Count each breath on the inhale and then the exhale. Count backwards from 4, then start over again.

- Act "as if". If he was gone on a planned vacation, what would you be doing tonight?

- Hand him over to others to deal with. Call his friends, family, coworkers or manager, let them know you're concerned about him, and then let it be. This only, finally, worked when I called for me, because I needed help, instead of trying to save or control him.

- Find local Alanon info and call the number listed. Ask about a meeting, leave a message and your phone number, if need be.

- Call your local domestic violence hotline. Emotional abuse is really as damaging as any other kind of abuse, and it's often tied up in alcohism in some way, at some point. They'll have someone who cares and understands who can talk to you tonight. The National Hotline is 800-799-7233

Keep posting. We care. We understand. You're not alone. (((Hugs)))

maia1234

I agree with ktf. He is probably drinking his sorrows away. Leave him be is my opinion

Sorry I am sure it is not what u want to hear.

LexieCat

You just said you'd called things off with him. Why are you expecting him to check in with you?

It's getting late. I suggest you get some rest.

ladyscribbler

Stop listening to his words and look at his behavior. His go-to response to everything is to drink. If he was really sorry he'd get help. He's an adult making choices. You might not agree with them, but he has the right to live as he sees fit.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...full-crap.html

We codies get as addicted to the alcoholic and to relationships as the alcoholic is to alcohol. Ten hours and you're in withdrawal.
Keep reading and posting here when you're tempted to contact him and get to a face to face meeting as soon as you can.
I attend Alanon, but others here have had good experiences with Celebrate Recovery and Codependents Anonymous. Sharing experiences with those who have "been there" has been a huge help in my recovery.

ladyscribbler

Stop listening to his words and look at his behavior. His go-to response to everything is to drink. If he was really sorry he'd get help. He's an adult making choices. You might not agree with them, but he has the right to live as he sees fit.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...full-crap.html

We codies get as addicted to the alcoholic and to relationships as the alcoholic is to alcohol. Ten hours and you're in withdrawal.
Keep reading and posting here when you're tempted to contact him and get to a face to face meeting as soon as you can.
I attend Alanon, but others here have had good experiences with Celebrate Recovery and Codependents Anonymous. Sharing experiences with those who have "been there" has been a huge help in my recovery.

redatlanta

Of course he is not calling you. You broke up with him. Why should he call you?

Are you sure you really wanted to break up with him? Because it sounds like you are regretting it.

He is most likely just fine. I imagine he spent the evening doing what he does best.

So lets change the focus off him - and focus on you. A good step is to write down how your own life has become unmanageable due to the alcoholic in your life. Here is number 1 and 2

1) I had to leave my home and sleep at my mother's house due to my alcoholic boyfriend.
2) I spent the evening upset and anxiety ridden because I could not get in contact with my alcoholic boyfriend.

Stick around. Post often. Ask questions. Commit to making your life better. Attend Al Anon.

Many many ((((hugs)))). Getting on here is the first step to getting your life back.

dandylion

RedDog....he is probably doing what every alcoholic does for every occassion...get drunk off their ass. You are the one who is up all night with worry.
He will show up....believe me, you haven't seen the last of him.

dandylion

CodeJob

Hello Reddog,

Journal about the relationship. It might help you to get it out of your head. You might see as you write how it might be best to keep walking away.

Work on you. Any effort at all will be rewarded in that you reap the benefits.

HopefulElle

This cracked me up! It's so true! Everytime I fought with my xabf, he would forget all about it by "getting drunk off his ass", while I spent the entire time upset and worrying about him.

INgal

When our son quit answering our texts, we knew exactly what was happening. This would lead to the insanity of driving around in the middle of the night, looking for his car, pulling him out of bars, you name it. Get off the merry go round. Nothing good comes of it and you can't prevent anything from happening.

knowthetriggers

IMO he did exactly what he needed, made you upset and worried about HIM so he can use that an excuse to feel guilty to drink.

Frustrating.

I agree with other posters - Take care of you and if you are broken up then no contact.

RedDog735

Hi all-just an update. His roommate finally returned my call. Turns out he was sleeping ( I am not sure if alcohol was or was not involved.) Hear me out when I say this- sometimes I think that he is not considered an alcoholic because he doesn't drink every day. His case is that he binge drinks on Friday and Saturday of every week. So it happens to be a little different. Regardless, I am still receiving texts like "Miss your touch, I don't know why I have to create a crisis to appreciate you. I'm glad you care enough to call my roommate" and "I wanted to drive back to you yesterday but I was really ashamed of my drunken behavior the other night." Not sure what to do..

knowthetriggers

He's playing you honey.....like a sweet violin....

FireSprite

Not really as different as you might be thinking. Addiction is addiction & every addict has different habits & thresholds of how they manage their addiction. Binge drinkers are just as much alcoholics as daily drinkers, it isn't all about volume & frequency.

I promise, if you continue thinking of him as "terminally unique" you will be making excuses for a lot of unacceptable behavior.

Not sure what you think you SHOULD be doing but, IMO, if he's embarrassed about his behavior then HE'S the one that should be asking that question & looking for ways to change his behavior.

What I would be doing is worrying about taking care of ME. What do you do for yourself in recovery? Meetings? Hobbies? Counseling?

RedDog735

Firesprite,it is just a difficult time in my life because I am working as a new nurse, in a new city, and going to school (getting a masters). I miss my friends, family, etc. I don't know too many people around here. Lately I have just been going to the local library to study, read, or find some quiet time. I am not interested, nor do I have much time, to go to counseling or alalon. Work keeps me busy, but since I see psychiatric patients on a day to day basis, it triggers me, and I automatically want to talk to my AxB.

ladyscribbler

That's what we call "terminal uniqueness." He's different because (fill in the blank). My ex was different too. Our relationship was different. We were special for a whole list of reasons that I won't bother going into. Because it's pointless. Because we weren't different. Ours was just like every other codependent relationship on the planet. Sure some of the specifics might have been a little different, but the overall dynamic was the same. I wanted to fix him so "we" could be happy.
Diagnosing him as an alcoholic is less important than how his behavior makes you feel. You are unhappy with this relationship, you want him to change and become your ideal partner.
He is manipulating you. My ex missed me, needed me, wanted me back. But not enough to respect my boundary of not being in a relationship with an active alcoholic. He wanted me back on his terms- He got to drink and do whatever he wanted and I got to shut up and take it. That wasn't enough for me. I deserved better and so do you.
You deserve a partner who is a true partner, who is able to be fully present in your relationship. Someone who binge drinks into a blackout every weekend is not that person.

ETA: I think that if you have time to fixate on this man and your relationship with him, you can probably spare an hour to hit an Alanon meeting or some counseling. If nothing else, Alanon can help you expand your social circle. It is lonely to be isolated in a new city. Hugs to you.

dandylion

RedDog....NOthing can take up as much of your time and energy--both physical and emotional as a practicing alcoholic.
This is not over. It will get worse, for sure.

In my experience, most general medical people know shockingly little about alcoholism--unless they have had special training or personal experience.

This would be a good time to educate yourself about this disease.
Reading the stickies at the top of the main page would be a good place to start--especially the ones titled: "classic readings". "Co-dependent No More" would be a good book for you to start with, also.

I so agree with Knowthe triggers..."He is playing you like a violin"
sorry.

dandylion

Honey, he is telling you everything that you want to hear...because he "knows" so well, what you crave to hear.
He knows the magic words...and, you are lapping it up like a kitten with a saucer of warm milk.

Timeiskey

Red- Ok, so you don't want to go to/are not much interested in going to counseling or AlAnon. I can appreciate that. I was there when I first acknowledged that my exabf was an alcoholic. After all, I wasn't the one drinking. However, you acknowledge that you are "codependent" but you stated that you are "codependent ON" your A. That signifier caught my attention, because you may be focused on him but codependence does not isolate itself in one situation and in only one aspect of life. If you called things off, but have been engaging and/or attempting to engage even when he honors your wishes and leaves you alone, then IMO, this is about you- not him. There are codependence meetings, which is what I attend. I suggest you don't knock it until you have given it a chance. The road to personal awareness and personal responsibility for your own happiness and healthiness can be and is usually a hard road to navigate.

Here is a red flag for me- you called it off, and when he wouldn't respond, you began to call other people to get information and to re-engage with him. This is a form of attempted control. Do you see that aspect in your actions? It isn't fun or pretty, but the only way out is to go through the introspection and do the work- that is what the meetings and counseling are for, because as you know from your own field, those who have the experience have the tools and they can impart them to you. Perhaps he was sleeping, perhaps he was out, perhaps he went to the moon and back. What does it matter? He can apologize over and over and QUACK QUACK QUACK, but it doesn't change anything. You can't change any of that. So, what do you really want? Is it for your A to change who he is and act the way you want him to act? Well, I am with ya! Is it that you want to convince yourself that once-a-week binging isn't so bad and is not the same thing as a daily drunk? Yeah, I can definitely relate. I want the same thing from my ex and from my own understanding of addiction. But, I have had to settle on working on myself, realizing that I actually deserve better than what my A can offer me, and move on. We are the lucky ones- there are people on here with several kids, intertwined finances (or worse yet, economic dependence on the A), whose lives have been this way or progressing to this point for decades. It sounds like you have a great career path, are very intelligent, and have a caring demeanor that encourages you to help others...so, start by helping yourself. If you work in this type of field, you should really be able to step back, use your critical thinking, and really look at the reality. It isn't easy but you are worth it. How can you work, go to school, and caretake for an A? When I was with my ex, I was nearing the end of my second Masters degree, working, and trying to settle into my new life in a new city away from my friends and family. This only connected me to him more, because I didn't have a large network or support group in my new city...soooooo, maybe that is playing a role? It sure did for me. I was completely scared and freaked out when we broke up. But looking back, all the time I had invested in worry and dealing with his shanagans did impact my education and career. You see Red, codependence will impact your life just as alcohol impacts an alcoholic. It will begin to take over other areas- it is the nature of beast. So, you have to make decisions and try to stick to them- if you booted him, then try to walk away. If you mean it, then don't call, block his number, find other ways to fill the time when you are obsessing. And if you don't mean it, then try to figure out what you are capable of dealing with and what you are willing to sacrifice to be with him. Codependence means have limited awareness of your own feelings- because your feelings/mood/attitude is dependent upon another's actions. If you were up all night upset after you cut it off, because he didn't call you- perhaps you can think about how that signifies and external definition of your mood and emotions. That is a good place to start, IMO. Big hugs. Big BIG hugs.

TJD912

You spent the night worrying and he slept like a baby...should be the other way around...

They all think they're unique and that nobody understands them. You are supposed to be the one that saves them. But it never happens because they move the goalposts constantly. You end up just like you did...awake and worried...trying to be what he needs and say the right thing and trying to aim for the moving goalpost. You'll never score.