Ladywind

Well, my AH tells me he is in recovery. I believed him for 28 days until he began avoiding me for several days. How are you ever supposed to trust someone who has lied all throughout our 2 year marriage? I am wondering if trust can be restored?

honeypig

Ladywind, I understand how you feel, I think. In my case, the lying was throughout an almost 19-year marriage. At this point, we are weeks away from a legal separation (I had originally filed for divorce). I don't know how or if or when trust will be restored. The only trust that I'm counting on at this point is my own, in my intuition and knowledge, something that I've disregarded for far too long.

If your gut is telling you things aren't right, chances are good they aren't. Use caution in beginning to trust again. The 28 days in rehab are a drop in the bucket--it will (and should) take longer than that to earn your trust back. If you've been reading around the forum here, you've already come across the advice to watch his actions more than listen to his words--actions will tell the truth. It sounds like you're doing that. Trust yourself, whether or not you feel you can trust him.

dandylion

Ladywind, trust is earned....it is demonstrated. When someone says: "You can trust me, now".....as much as you might WANT to....it just doesn't work that way.
Once trust is broken, it takes a long time to mend it. It has to be built back in layers, over time..like the layers of an onion.

Due to the nature of the disease of alcoholism....an alcoholic can't make promises...because they can't even trust themselves! They may try to promise, but because they are i n denial of their own alcoholism...they make promises that they can't keep.

Going to church doesn't automatically make you a faithful person.
Going to AA doesn't necessarily make a person sober. People can (and do) sit in AA meetings...but never do the work that it takes to obtain genuine sobriety.

Ladywind...I am curious...if you two live in separate co u ntries, how do you know that he is doing what he says he is doing?

dandylion

Ladywind

Thank you.

Ladywind

I dont. But 28 days ago he went from a recluse(isolating himself) to a full on helper in his church. I presume this was to keep himself busy till he finds work.He actually applied fpr a job, which he previously wouldnt do. And then the avoidance began. I can only presume the worst.

sugarbear1

have you considered al anon to focus on your recovery? it may help you

dandylion

Ladywind....is it possible that he is very busy with the church and new activities...?
A church has enough work to keep a person busy 24hrs. a day....!

cookiesncream

I personally wouldn't even begin to think about trusting someone until they have a year of sobriety under their belt and I'm coming from the "A" side. Getting sober is easy, staying sober is the hard part.

Peace,

Cookies

NYCDoglvr

Someone has to EARN your trust. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

marie1960

perhaps its time to place more trust in yourself ,and your gut instinct. Seems the times i ignored my inner voice, i found myself in a pot of boiling water.

Sending you support.

Rosalba

For me, trust comes along with acceptance - by which I mean acknowledgement of the way things really ARE, rather than how I would like them to be.

The one thing you can trust a drinking alcoholic to do, is DRINK. Period. If someone's lied to you consistently for two years, you can reasonably trust them to carry on lying to you. I have an alcoholic brother who will tell me things, and I neither believe nor disbelieve them until I have independent evidence either way. I certainly wouldn't base important decisions on anything he's told me; but, at the same time, I don't think some of his lying is a deliberate attempt to deceive - I think he genuinely believes some of what, to me, is pure fantasy.

Either way, it makes no sense to rely on someone who's intrinsically unreliable, which is where the 'detaching with love' espoused by Alanon really comes into its own.

You don't say whether you attend meetings or not, but I've found it invaluable in dealing with issues like this, not just with alcoholics, in a way that years of therapy never got anywhere near.

Whatever, trust your gut, trust your instincts, and take care of YOU first and foremost.

Good luck with all this!

Ladywind

I have tried al anon. I didnt enjoy going though.

TerpGal

Trust is difficult to get back once it's broken. My pastor says in couples where there has been infidelity it takes about 2 years for the trust to be restored. Trust is not for you to just give. That's your AHs job. He needs to earn back your trust and sometimes that trust is irrevocably lost. My RAH has 6 months of sobriety and he is showing me a totally different side. Yes not drinking, working a program, working very hard on letting go of his anger, but I still don't trust him. It just feels like a lie to me. Idk when I will be able to trust him again, if ever. It takes time and action on his part. Trust your instinct. It is rarely wrong.

FireSprite

Definitely actions not words as trust is earned, like others have already pointed out.

If RAH broke my trust in a way 100x then it's up to him to show me he's capable of rebuilding/doing it right 100x too, correct? Show up, be accountable in life, make a concerted effort to change your habits - these kinds of things build trust like stair steps. Real Trust is another one of those things accomplished in baby steps.

hopeful4

Trust is earned. You have a right to feel the way you are now. More will be revealed. Until then it's imperative you take good care of yourself so that no matter what happens, you are in the emotional position to make healthy and good decisions for yourself.

XXX

AliWProk

I don't think I'll ever be able to trust XAH again. I think that's OK. It's definitely better than falling for his crap again. I was very CoDe, so it has to be this way for me. We've been divorced almost 4 years. I do not get involved. I do not respond to him in any way, even though we have "joint custody" of our son (the court was not involved - this was decided in our divorce decree. He hasn't lived up to ANYTHING in there, so I feel justified in keeping our son from his dangerous lifestyle. There is no child support). If he gets better, I'll know because he'll go to court to see his son. Until then, I have to believe that he's still drinking. But even if that happens - he goes to court to get visitation - I probably still won't trust him. Because he's a lying liar.

Ladywind

AliWprok ... OMG Reading your short message made me cry. What hell you have been through and are still going through. You are a great mum to protect. What a nightmare some people are.

TJD912

Losing trust is a very bad emotional injury. If he does nothing to help you feel secure on an ongoing basis, you will learn to live with mistrust and it will seem normal. Then he will get mad when you ask perfectly reasonable questions, b/c you taught him that you will stick around even though he's lied to you. You'll find yourself being defensive and trying to help him feel better about your questions instead of healing your injury. Round and round you go. I just ended a 4 year marriage with my AH and had the same trust issues (affair, lies). I could take no more. Trust was gone, he did nothing to get it back. Nobody wants to be divorced (twice no less...) but if you find yourself here in 3 months, 6 months, a year, asking the same thing...consider your options now before it's taken more of your life. It will probably never change.

Ladywind

Actually, I have told him I cant talk to him any longer until I sort myself out and I emotionally CANNOT be around him as I feel ill, and I cant pretend otherwise. Being true to myself is more important than the marriage right now. Thanks for taking the time

TJD912

Good for you. It's not easy...it's hard to forget the times that were good and fun and you laughed. But you are on the right path.