gleefan

I am a year sober and my husband still drinks alcoholically.

There's a saying, "the same person will drink." I caught myself acting like a drunk before I took a drink. As strong as my sobriety has grown in my heart this past year, when I am faced with the people, places and things that were a part of my drinking life, I can fall right back into the behavior patterns I had as a drunk - and the feelings of isolation, frustration, blame, shame.

My husband hasn't been drinking for the last week. He was doing it "for me" (because he was repeatedly said that he wants to continue to drink) and I thought that the least I could do for him was enmesh myself in what he loves to do, at the hockey rink, during the kids tournament, as he constantly asks me to be more engaged in it.

This weekend I relapsed behaviorally. I stoked and fed the beast of anger and resentment that lurks inside of me. I let myself codependently enmesh with my husband's wishes instead of honoring what's healthy for me. I lashed out like a crazy person at people who I feel have done him wrong. I felt ashamed of myself afterwards, spiritually depleted.

And the punchline is one that's familiar to many of us: When I came home after a challenging day that I did fully for him, he started drinking.

I wasn't surprised he drank. He had been tense since last weekend from his commitments to work and hockey - and from not drinking - yet Saturday morning he was acting giddy. I could tell he was planning a drunk. I wasn't angry about it, either. He simply revealed who he truly is.

My recovery has been a search towards peace, serenity, joy, happiness, freedom. Life with him does not nurture my sobriety. Life with him brings me closer to a drink.

SoberLeigh

(((glee))))

cookiesncream

Been there bought the t-shirt. I've been sober about as long as you have but I still have some rather nasty habits to break. Each time one of the several co-dependents in my life doesn't state their needs directly and puts me on a guilt trip and I either cave in or detach without telling them why, that's a behavioral relapse for me. Each time I'm angry about something reasonable because I failed to state my needs clearly, then that's a behavioral relapse for me. I'm afraid I'm quite a bit of a dry drunk as a result. No drinking but my same bad behaviors are in place. I've got lots to work on. The first year of sobriety my main goal was just not drinking. Think working on my behavioral tendencies is on my list for this next year. I'm with ya. hang in there!

casinva

Oh Glee, I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. You have shown such remarkable strength this past year, despite dealing with an alcoholic husband. Sending ((hugs)), dear friend.

gleefan

Thanks for the support.

If be lost without you all.

MIRecovery

What do you get when a horse thief sobers up?

A sober horse thief.

Just because we are sober does not mean our character defects vanish but it does allow us to work on them and make rational sober choices.

I guard my sobriety like life itself because without it I have nothing.

You will be in my prayers.

gleefan

Thank you MIR. Your prayers are appreciated.

I'm kind of taken aback by my own behavior. My boundaries are screaming: after a long weekend of stretching myself way too thin (for him), he was drinking.

His hole is so big that he wants me to fill it with everything I have. When I don't, he tells me I'm distracted, unengaged, crazy, or selfish. Last weekend when the usual insults didn't work he resorted to shocking me by revealing a deep anger.

I tiptoed around him all weekend. I felt so guilty for pushing a mild manner guy to the extreme, that he had to yell at me to get his point across.
Then when it came time to sign up to help for this tournament, I offered to do as much as they needed. I didn't want him to accuse me of being disengaged and selfish. When I take care of myself I feel like I'm hurting other people.

I know that "the same person will keep drinking." I know that people who succeed in sobriety change the people, places and things that trigger them. He doesn't want to stop drinking, and he's not going to support the strides that I take in recovery.

I WANT to feel happy and peaceful. Nothing about my life with this man is peaceful, serene, joyous, happy or free.

I know I'm a strong, sweet, kind, fun, loving person. I'm energetic and funny and smart. I'm a little overweight right now but I'm cute. I'm a good cook and a terrible housekeeper. I love my kids. I'm level headed. I need to treat myself with the respect I deserve!

Like you MIR I need to guard what I've gained in sobriety like my life depends on it - because it does!!!!

gettingstronger

Wow! You've made some powerful revelations to yourself. You're doing awesome!

When my AH realized that I was pushing my life away from his craziness and towards something good for me, he got upset. He didn't want anything to change, or upset the balance that was allowing him to continue drinking.

Ignore your AH's words and continue on your solid path of recovery. He will continue to try and protect his drinking. Meanwhile you will continue to protect your sobriety.

sauerkraut

"I felt so guilty for pushing a mild manner guy to the extreme, that he had to yell at me to get his point across."
Um, no one is responsible for someone else's behavior. I understand that you feel that way, but you know you're not, right?
So much of what you said resonated with me, too, especially the AH's giddy aspect (mine gets that too when he's decided to drink) as well as getting blamed for not being interested in his stuff.
I'm glad you're holding on to your own sobriety in the midst of such stress.

Vandermast

No one here is perfect my friend.....

try not to beat yourself up, it serves no purpose


v

Dee74

You've always been very self aware Gleefan and I think that will continue to hols you in good stead.

I appreciate that you have standards and expectations of yourself but don't beat yourself up too badly - like I always say...we don't have to get through choppy waters gracefully, we just have to get through them...y'know?

I wish continued strength and clarity for you

D

gleefan

Sauerkraut - THANK YOU. It means a lot to know I'm not the only one. You wouldn't think that a relatively smart person, who's been digging deep into her recovery would feel responsible for someone else's behavior, but I do. I've tried to figure out why, but that hasn't changed anything. I need to accept the natural discomfort that comes with disagreeing with someone. I need to be confident that I know what's right for me.

Van and Dee - Thank you for your support. I felt so down this weekend, like I did when I first quit drinking - and started to realize the limitations of my relationship. Your comments here today were are real comfort. Thanks for taking the time to do that.

cookiesncream

His hole is so big that he wants me to fill it with everything I have. When I don't, he tells me I'm distracted, unengaged, crazy, or selfish. Last weekend when the usual insults didn't work he resorted to shocking me by revealing a deep anger.

Ohhh geeze you are not alone. People are quick to blame alcohol for this type of behavior but I have two very close family members that exhibit this trait and they are not alcoholics. They do exhibit heavy traits of co-dependency however and I am the object of their dependency. I have done everything, gave till I couldn't give anymore, finally got burned out and wound up becoming an alcoholic, got sober hoping that in fact alcohol was the root of all the issues, and a year later found myself still a burned out dry drunk. I finally got the suggestion from women in my recovery group to look into books on setting boundaries and I feel like a giant weight has been lifted. My biggest issues have been my own inability to say NO and getting sucked in. That said I very much relate to you and everything you've said. I'm finally looking into what it will take to start saying NO to protect my own sobriety.

You're in good company-I do relate.

Peace,

Cookies