Oswin

My husband still drinks, just drank 5 pints of strong larger and a bottle of wine then moaned he'd run out of alcohol. Usually I would drink with him, I wasn't jealous because drunk people are really getting on my nerves at the moment. He says I'm judging and got really offended when I said maybe he has a problem. There is no maybe about it! I know unless he wants to do something about it he is not going to stop and I'm very new to being sober and I have no right to judge. But I'm worried that me sobering up could wreck our marriage. He doesn't get why I've stopped at all. Just feeling a bit lost, whilst he's passed out drunk and snoring.

Gilmer

I'm sorry, Oswin.

zerothehero

You may want to check out the friends and family section. I can only speak from experience. My wife got sober years before I did. My response was mostly to leave the house to drink and hide a lot of my drinking at home mostly as a ki d of bent way to support her sobriety. She never gave me a hard time about drinking. In fact, I would come home from worked all surly and pissed off and she would tell me to have a glass of wine. I long thought she had been the one with the problem, but with time I came to realize in my own way I was just as bad. It just took me longer to be ready to quit. In the meantime, there is no doubt we developed separate lives though we're still together. At this point we seem okay with that on a certain level. We're soul mates and best friends.

I guess from where I sit I would discourage confronting him often if at all about his drinking, especially if he already knows how you feel. Some people feel nagged and just get defiant.

Take care of yourself. Be supportive but know your boundaries and your limits. Do what is best for you. Patience isn't easy. I can control only me and no one else.

Oswin

Yeah I don't usually confront him about it and when he's had a stressful day at work I tell him to go to the pub for a few beers. Tonight though him being drunk was really annoying me. Maybe that's more to do with the fact I'm irritable due to not drinking. It took me years to realise I had a problem and even after I did I still relapsed and convinced myself I didn't. So don't know why I think he's suddenly going to realise.

EndGameNYC

Maybe. But getting drunk won't save it.

Anna

Oswin, it might. I know I went through many emotions the first year or so of recovery and for sure, my marriage was affected.

But, it's also possible that you will show your husband, by your example, that there are positive benefits to a sober life.

Thepatman

You have a right to draw a line in the sand. You are evolving as a human being, when we do that some things change, and your marriage will need to change, adapt. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Nothing like a healthy talk about how you feel, what you expect, and set your boundaries. For example, he might feel like being intimate after a few drinks, I doubt this is an option to you and could just be a trigger.

cusper

I can totally relate. My husband still drinks and when I decided to get sober I have to say it wasn't easy. I was in a similar position to you, he didn't think I was an alcoholic and even when I told him the things that I went through I still believe he thought I was being dramatic when I quit. It's not easy at all. There were many times that I wanted to leave him the first 9 months. Things are better now and I know that I made the right decision for me. You can do it. What people told me on here when I posted was that your husband is probably concerned too that things are going to change. Also, that you might force him to get sober and he doesn't want to. Feel free to message me if you need to talk. I have to say, it's been 15 months for me and my husband drinks much much less than he did before. It didn't happen overnight but he is changing and listening more now. Mind you, he doesn't drink the way I did.
Keep your focus and just work on getting well. I didn't start to talk to him about his drinking until I had about 6 months under my belt. It's a difficult situation, but take each day as it comes. I think my quitting has had some impact on him for the better but it's taken some time.

ReadyAtLast

My husband and I always drank together. I then quit and the whole dynamics of our relationship changed. he didn't have a problem but liked a few glasses of wine. It didn't bother me that much. The problem was that by the time I was a year plus sober I had changed so much as a person I realised we actually had very little in common and I wanted more out of life. Whilst he didn't have a problem he was drinkign a lot and it made me realise he was happy to do that whereas I wanted to go out and about exploring and living.

Stopping drinking fundamentally changed our relationship because it fundamentally changed ME. I grew. He stayed the same. It's no one's fault it 's just one of those things. In October I made the very difficult decision to leave him (just short of 2 years sober then) and after 7 years of marriage. I have never regretted my decision.

My only advice would be to stay sober and be true to yourself. You can't control his drinking. All you can do is focus on you and your growth. Don't make any hasty decision s in early sobriety. Give yourself time and be kind to yourself

Oswin

Thanks guys, feeling a bit better in the light of day. Think it's good to get other peoples perspectives and also get it out of my system. He really doesn't think he has a problem. Even though he has high bp, diabetes, high cholesterol and his liver test is high. He's happy to carry on drinking. I have told him my feelings on the matter. But I've never been the nagging type so no point starting now. Just got to carry on on my sober journey and hopefully keep on it for good.