NightNDay

Getting ready for work this morning when I found a leftover bottle from my old supply. I couldn't believe it -- I was seriously so shocked, because you can't imagine how many times I hoped and prayed I would find some liquor back when I was actively drinking. No clue how this happened because I didn't think there were any hidden bottles anymore.

I'm ashamed to say my first inclination was to drink it. That was also my second, third, fourth, and fifth inclination as well. I actually started plotting and planning how I would "manage it" for the next few days. "Just a little today, since I'm going through a rough time. I'll save some for tomorrow. I don't want to kill myself after all."

This talk kept going through my mind for about thirty minutes. The thought did occur to me to pour it out, but I kept thinking, "No, this is a sign. I'm meant to have this."

Got in the shower and started having a pretty major panic attack. I noticed I was tasting blood, which completely freaked me out because I thought, "It's internal bleeding!" or, "I'm dying!" In actuality I was so anxious I was (subconsciously) biting my lip until it bled. I had also become so nauseous with anxiety that I was nearly vomiting.

Finally, got out of the shower, got dressed, grabbed the bottle (didn't allow myself time to think about it) and poured it down the toilet. I'm not sure why I did that rather than the sink, but that's what I did....

I feel pretty terrible right now. I still feel almost physically ill with anxiety. But I am okay. I am glad I didn't follow through with my initial instinct, even though I came pretty close. Next time (if there ever is a next time) I need to just flush it right away. Really, I can't imagine this particular scenario happening again, but I'm sure the scenario will arise at some point where I will be staring down a bottle of liquor...somewhere...and I will have to make the decision not to drink.

I just don't even know what is wrong with me that, knowing everything I know, and knowing that this path will KILL ME, I could ever want to walk down it again.

Yes, I'm glad I made the right decision but I wish it had come more confidently. And I wish I felt better about it.

mecanix

good going

It gets a little bit easier the further you go from the last drink .

keep on .

Maybe you and a sober friend should thoroughly search the house and garage for anything which might catch you unaware ?

m

NightNDay

This.

NightNDay

The worst part was, I was initially trying to rationalize a reason to not throw it out right that second. I kept thinking, "Once you throw it out, you can't get it back. But if you leave it there for now you can always make up your mind later."

As if later would be better! You know, that magical time of LATER where I'll somehow be able to drink responsibly. Or make responsible decisions to toss the booze.

I'm at work right now, and guess what I'd be doing if I hadn't flushed it already? I'd be rationalizing a reason to go home so I could "flush it then and stop thinking about it." And then once I got home, I'd decide not to have "just a little" before I poured it out.

I've been done this road too many times.

FreeOwl

Well done.

It's appropriate that you poured it down the toilet.... Because alcohol is sh*t.

SoberLeigh

You had an awful experience but you did well in spite of it, NightNDay. [You chose the correct vehicle of disposition in my opinion - ]

Sobriety will get easier with time. In the meantime, have you tried any deep breathing exercises to relieve stress?

NightNDay

Yes! Yes! YES!

PurpleKnight

Great stuff!!

AddictGuy

It doesn't matter how we arrive at not "doing the deed" as if we can't give ourselves as much credit if it happens one way or some other. You just realized that it wasn't a "sign" after all. And I know the feeling, that if it's too hard to arrive at the right decision that maybe the jerk inside is still alive and well. Well, he is. He always will be, is the safest way to look at it. It just comes down to you did the right thing, even if you had to taste blood to do it. Still you did the right thing. That's all that matters. You rocked.

AddictGuy

test

Dee74

Like I always said - all we have to do is the right thing. It doesn't have to be graceful

you did the right thing NightNDay

D

NightNDay

Thanks, everyone. Yesterday was bad. But I did get through the next step of turning the house upside down to find any leftover "stashes."

Found one airplane-sized bottle. Just one. Poured it out immediately and didn't look back. It was actually a lot easier than pouring out the big bottle, but I'm aware that the little bottle was just as dangerous. I used to buy those tiny bottles because I would rationalize that they were helping me control/moderate my amount (what a joke!) and they were also easier to hide.

I originally was going to say that the little bottle was MORE dangerous (it would have been easier to rationalize drinking it) but the truth is it's ALL dangerous. It doesn't matter if it's a sip or if it's ten gallons. It's all the same.

saoutchik

Seriously well done NightnDay