Serenidad

Hi friends,

I would like some advice from people who have experienced childhood trauma and have worked through it.

As a child, from about age 7 to 18, I experienced major mental & psychological abuse from my mother, physical abuse, molestation, a date rape as a teenager, "conditional" love (mom only loved me when I was perfect), I witnessed horrific things that no child should EVER see and the list goes on and on and on. My childhood was like a war zone. I know I'm not unique. This has happened to others, which is why I'm asking for your help.

It's sad but I can't change it. I must move forward and figure out a way to heal from it. I've tried counseling at several points in my life but it didn't really help much. I felt like all I did was talk about it over and over and there was never a solution. AA doesn't help with my trauma. My trauma is why I always "self-medicated" with alcohol. The memories, nightmares and flash backs are painful!

The good news, I am sober now and really want some advice from people who have walked through their trauma and gotten to the other side. Religion? A particular book? Program? Exercise? Anything??? Alanon? Magic? :-)

I just want to stop letting my past haunt me. I need to deal with it to live a sober life and be happy.

Thanks in advance!

gracetuesday

Honestly, stopping drinking was what helped me the most. I am much more able to cope with things when my brain is functioning properly. Also, Emdr helped me.

ulfr

i have been through the same type of trauma
Do you see anyone about like a therapist or counselor???
i found see someone about the past helps
but that up to you if you want to talk about it
they show you how to make yourself safe while you have flashback and way to deal with them
am so sorry you went through trauma
if you ever need to talk my pm box is always open

thomas11

Hi Serenidad, I can only share my experience with you. When I was child I experienced physical abuse (kicked around, punched) by my father. My father experienced much worse physical abuse, witnessed a suicide, alcoholism in family etc... We both came out the other side fairly well. We struggle a bit with alcohol, but have great marriages and he had a very successful career and I own my business. Now, with that being said, I also know several of my childhood friends experienced some form of abuse and at the same or lower level, and just have not been able to cope. They just can't/couldn't get it behind them. 2 are dead, one's in and out of psychiatric care. I know what they went through because they told me, and quite frankly I shrugged it off as no big deal. I guess my point is we all deal with it differently. I wish you the best.

matilda123

Serenidad, I think I've shared that I was sexually abused as a child (8), raped at 14 and in 2 abusive relationships in my 20s and early 30s. Like you, I have done a lot of therapy; I suspect I need more.

I think my biggest epiphany around these issues is that they won't ever fully go away. That sounds depressing, but for me it was truly healing because I kept waiting to feel better, which I had imagined meant I wouldnt feel like it happened. Because I never got to that place, I kept thinking of myself as damaged.

What I realize Is those experiences will always be with me, but they do not have to shape my life and decisions. I am a survivor with all that entails. And I'll be d..... If I will let those who hurt me continue to do so in the form of me hurting myself.

Clearly this is a process. I recently gave up 5 months of sobriety. While the trigger wasn't trauma, my discomfort with dealing with painful feelings is certainly rooted in that.

I wish you warrior strength, my friend.

drinkingdinos

I think a person's born resilience plays a big role. In my experience forgiveness was also key. I had to forgive those who hurt me. I had to acknowledge the past was done already and there are no take backs. All we have is the present. There's no sense wasting my now on a terrible past. Its a lose lose in that case. I think it also helps that those who caused me major harm later came to me with sincere apologies and have turned their lives around. Counseling never worked for me. Rehashing the past every week just wasn't what I needed. Some people find it helpful though. What worked for me was forgiveness...and exercise. Vigorous exercise was my escape. Do some experimenting and see what works for you.

Nowsthetime

Same here... I identify. I think that acceptance is key. I accept what happened because I can't change it. I will also say that all our experiences (good and bad) makes us who we are... You are a beautiful person, the things that happened were not your fault and unless you let them go they will keep dragging you down.

Don't ley your AV treat you like a victim: you are a survivor and a warrior!!!

ArtFriend

I agree with Matilda...these experiences will forever be part of you because they psychologically changed who you are. I too come from a very dysfunctional traumatic home. I have been in and out of therapy all my adult life. The reason (theoretically) that talk therapy works is that it provides a psychic release (catharsis). However, that doesn't mean that the memories disappear. Hopefully you can reframe your memories (with the help of a skilled therapist) that will allow you to move on with your life. My issues surrounded feelings of abandonment and anger . Why did this happen to me? I was a kid born into turmoil with no control. Life was so unfair. Spent many years in a victim stance which further reinforced my sense of being out of control and angry. Vicious cycle. With the help of a good clinician, and that took awhile to find, I was slowly able to ACCEPT. Memories are still there, still hurt, but my reaction to them has changed. I am no longer flailing about in quick sand sinking deeper and deeper. I am the person I am today, warts and all, because of my history. I think I am more empathetic to suffering of others which is a positive.

Try to find a therapist that handles PTSD and FOO issues.

I also have become more spiritual because of my traumatic past. I think that is also another key element to healing.

RobbyRobot

I usually deal with my own past trauma on a strict as-I-need-to-know basis as much as I can. I would be rapidly overcome as a person if I didn't down-size my appreciation of my experiences. I also review myself differently with respect to emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual challenges as each has its own responsibilities and consequences.

"Gestalt therapy" (google it) helped me to no end master my past experiences so as I could get on with my life. As well, talking with others who have had similar experiences really helped me reach a reasonable perspective with my own. Being sober now for decades really helps as well of course. In my early years of sobriety dealing with my past experiences required more effort than does now, so I've made good progress.

I've also learnt the hard way that not all things from my past can be simply worked out. Some experiences will always haunt me on some level, and so learning to know when I've hit a wall within myself is an important insight into my limitations. I've learned such limitations are as worthy as any other consideration of myself.

There are many workable paths out of the abyss for any and all of us, yeah? How you choose to deal with yourself is best made with an early and enduring responsibility to be as in the moment as you can manage when moving forward. We can't change the past. The future is full of probabilities. Only in the present can we make actual changes, imo.

It takes courage to face ourselves. You have such required courage since you've a mind to discover a better you and a better life for yourself, and I want you to know from me I believe in you! Great questions Serenidad.

Esspee

One of these stories I've just read could have been mine - though I don't wish to say which one.

I never had or asked for counselling. I reached a point in my life where I decided I was sick of having it all on my mind. I mentally packaged all the different events in to 'boxes'. Some containing single events, some containing longer lasting ones, most overlapping. I then thought about each one individually, got it straight in my mind that it wasn't my fault, decided I would not let it effect me anymore otherwise the perpetrator was still 'winning'.

It wasn't a quick process. I found that when I started on 'a box' it would occupy my mind for a lot of the day but as I thought it over it would take up less and less of my time and eventually I would know that one was dealt with and chuck it on to my mental bonfire. Some boxes took a week, some months. That's why I say I don't want to say which message could have been mine - as I have dealt with it and it is over to me.

My drinking is not connected to any of my experiences. I like the taste of alcohol and got addicted to the buzz (and then transferred a food addiction to alcohol)

This is what worked for me but as Thomas said, we all deal with things differently so I'm not for one minute saying anybody/everybody else should 'do it' this way.

WritingFromLife

There is a book by Susan Anderson that helped me--The Journey From Abandonment to Healing. At first, it seems like a post-relationship ending book, and it certainly helps with that--but the REAL story is the primal wound, the abandonment of being abused as a child--as that is just what it is, abandonment.

Serenidad

Thanks grace. I was sober for 5.5 years and still felt the pain of my childhood trauma during that period. I think that pain ups what ultimately led to my relapse last year. What is Emdt?

JaylaaKent

Through one of my treatments I wrote everything down in a chronological order. It took me about a week to complete a thorough account of all the events. Then I burned the paper with a friend and reconciled that these things will always be a part of me, but I don't have to let them control me. Although how I react to current situations is a reflection of my past. I'm still in counseling, but it took me several tries to find a great counselor who works through these problems with me.

Saskia

I was raped at the age of 4. I blocked the memories for years and they started breaking through in my late forties when I was under a lot is stress. I had known for many years that something had happened. After working through the memories with my therapist, I was still left with PTSD symptoms and so I was referred to a psychologist who was trained in desensitization therapy. It is unpleasant but it worked for me. I only occasionally now have a day or two of anxiety in situations that previously would have sent me into panic.

I have read that some doctors think that there is a genetic basis for the fact that some people have more and more serious after effects than others. My pdoc explained how memories of traumatic events are stored in several parts of the brain and are connected. For example, one part may store an image of an event, a second area may store emotions associated with the event and others may store smells, tastes, etc of the same event. They are connected so when one part is triggered, the rest are also. Thus we re-experience the event in stereo, as it were and that is a flashback.

In addition to desensitization, there are various other treatments. They work for different people.

Time also can help. One thing that definitely does not work well is drinking and/or taking mind-altering drugs. That just puts off the healing that is possible. I took all kinds of different classes - yoga, visualization, meditation, etc. each helped just a bit more and over time that added up. I don't think that there are any quick and easy fixes but we can heal if we surround ourselves in safety and look for people who can be supportive. If one therapist doesn't "get it", then find another one. Avail yourself of whatever you can find. Exercise, learn to paint or do photography. Stretch yourself and learn to breathe deeply and consciously. Yogic breathing helped me a lot. It won't happen overnight but bit by bit, it is possible to rebuild your life. It won't be all easy going. You will probably hit spots where you will feel stuck. Hang in and keep working at it.

There are benefits beyond surviving past trauma. Approaching life this way leads to enormous growth and acute awareness not only of ourselves, but also of those around us. I believe we end up stronger, more flexible and value life more than the average person.

Sorry this got so long!!! Just my view from the ripe old age of 70 :-)