JoyDivision

I can't take this insidious cocaine habit anymore. It's taking my money, my health, my emotional state, my ability or desire to socialize with family and friends, my desire to engage in healthy and enjoyable activities, my sanity, and ultimately, I fear, my life.

I'm done thinking that I can just do a little. I'm done showing up for work on an hour of sleep. I'm done looking over my shoulder thinking that everyone is a cop or knows that I'm messed up. I'm done wasting my intelligence and education and gifts that could be put to better use.

And I'm done thinking that I can just say "I'm done" and do it alone through my own desire and will. I want to be clean, healthy, and happy.

Anna

Welcome, Joy.

It sounds like you're ready to make the changes you need in your life.

SoberLeigh

Welcome, Joy, to SR. I am glad that you are ready to find sobriety.

saoutchik

Hi JoyDivision

Dependency is crap isn't it - you've come to the right place for support and advice

I'm 54 and from the Uk. In 1979 a guy called Ian Curtis said "drugs are for conformists"

He was in some sort of band so what did he know

JoyDivision

Thank you. This has been an extremely frustrating struggle. I can get a couple of days, feel great, get things done, and then the devil on the shoulder whispers his enticing invitation. Off to the races - same monologue of excuses and rationalization the whole way and of course the same misery and inevitably broken vows in the aftermath. I just want to put an end to this once and for all and get my life back. This has been going on for over ten years now and I've had enough.

Nonsensical

I have one of those, too. It is a liar and a thief. It would kill me if I let it.

I stopped taking advice and accepting invitations from a known liar and my life got a lot better.

You can do this.

JoyDivision

Hi saoutchik - 'tis crap indeed. I hate the days when my life feels like An Atrocity Exhibition with nothing but Isolation.

I need to get to the UK - I have a ton of friends there and my nephew is about to do a yearlong gig there for his job. I love to travel - it refreshes the soul.

ChrisBen

Welcome JoyDivision!

Esspee

Welcome JD, it definitely sounds like your ready to fight your demon.

JoyDivision

Thank you. I want to grab him by his horns, twist his twirly stache into a knot and pull his red tuxedo over his head and give him a swift kick. Worse than him is that I've come to see my dealer as "basically a good guy." Door's always open! Everything's cool! Weird Stockholm Syndrome thing or something. I can't seem to make myself realize that this person beneath his pleasant demeanor has been sucking the life out of me.

Nowsthetime

Hello and welcome.

Resolve is the first step. Did u know that that demon has a name? AV, addictive voice, and all of us here are familiar with this a$$hole. Knowledge is power. Start reading up on it and it will become easier to identify.

This is YOUR life. How do YOU (not your AV) want it to be?

Rely on us. We are always here for support.

serenityfreedom

Another Rock song that will screw us up, 'Cocaine'-Eric Clapton. "She don't lie" Fact is she does. as far as your dealer goes, sure he's a nice guy, you probably paid for his car. The demon cocaine changes the chemistry in the addict, You will have to kick the living crap out of it. Tell the AV your not listening to it's lies anymore. Choose life. Sounds like you have made that decision, that is the first step. Take it one day at a time, one second if you need to. It get's easier with practice. People here can tell you how they got through it.

peace-Jonathan

JoyDivision

I was doing a b-line to the dealer a couple of weeks ago when Cocaine by Clapton came on the radio. I just rolled my eyes, shook my head, and kept on driving. I used to put Superfly by Curtis Mayfield on when I would make my runs. You know, back when I thought the chase was just so edgy and cool.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum JoyDivision!!

redheadinus

Joy, i know what you mean and have the same little devil on my shoulder that jumps up and down when i used to score. The biggest positive change for me in recovery has been the anxiety that has disappeared from my life (the fear, the shame, the missing out on so much). I wish you success and come here often for support.

JoyDivision

Thanks red. I've isolated myself from so many positive people, friends and family both. I've stagnated at work and have lost the ability to enjoy my hobbies and interests. The toll this nonsense is taking on my health and wallet is becoming a little scary. I know my better self and I really like that person, not the self-hating, sluggish sad soul I feel that I have become.