charis78

Why does he get so angry at me and make me out to be a crazy person when I point out how his drinking problem destroyed our relationship. He told me tonight I was as crazy as the character on gone girl. Well then why communicate with me. I'm so aggravated I can't sleep. Why do I still love him when it was so easy for him to move on. He's already got dating profiles up saying he's a social drinker.

LexieCat

Well, what's he going to put on his profile? "Sick alcoholic"?

Why are YOU communicating with HIM? Why are you bothering to "point out" that his drinking ruined your relationship? He is never going to admit it (unless he decides to try to reel you back in, and even then he would just be saying what he knows you want to hear).

I'm sorry you're sad and grieving, but talking to him is NOT going to give you any closure or make you feel any better. It is NOT going to make him decide to change for good. It is only going to keep you in this sad and frustrated state.

Hugs,

lillamy

We all want verification that we're OK. I wanted that, too. I wanted my ex to tell me "of course you couldn't keep living with me, I was an abusive jerk of an alcoholic and you did the right thing to leave."

Thing is, you'll never get that admission from an actively drinking alcoholic. They'd have to admit that their drinking is a problem, and that won't happen -- it's almost like the addiction is a parasite that protects its relationship with the host, the alcoholic. If he admitted that he ruined your relationship, he would have to do something about his drinking. And he's not interested in that -- he's only interested in protecting his right to drink.

It sounds harsh, but it's true. I've never heard an addict admit their addiction is a problem. Not until they got into recovery.

I could not be in contact with my ex after I left, because there was nothing but pain and more abuse there. Cutting off all contact helped me heal.

SparkleKitty

Sometimes I have to choose between being Right, and being at Peace.

I usually believe I can't have one without the other, right up until the moment I let go of the things I can't control.

NYCDoglvr

Why do you have any communication with him when he's announced to the world he's single and available? It's guaranteed to cause pain and recovery, healing, can't begin while you have contact.

charis78

I just don't understand why he engages me then is hurtful calling me crazy and making low blows about painful things in my past he knows about then he turns around and says I'm being a vile person and never to contact him again. He's already moved on so why do this.

He did admit he had a problem after that hospital incident and went to AA then he stopped going. He was texting last week that he was happy when he wasn't drinking with me,ugh but then contradicts himself. He says I want someone open and he lives in the now and doesn't want to talk about the past. Is it so abnormal to want to really know a person you love, their past included

I just feel so discarded and like I didn't even matter. He's made me out to be a crazy person in his mind

SparkleKitty

Why does it matter why? Can you accept that it is just what he does and decide whether you want that in your life?

charis78

I feel like I'm the crazy one BC I still care

SparkleKitty

It is not crazy to still care. But it is pointless to keep trying to change him into the person you want him to be. I know it feels like if he would just _______, then everything would fall into place, but there's nothing you can do or say to make him different.

What would happen if you took all this time and energy and gave it to yourself? Into doing things that make you happy, spending time with people who are positive and healthy and don't need an instruction manual on how to love and respect someone?

charis78

Instruction manual.... That's exactly it, how I felt this entire relationship. You are right I need to find another man. I find my problem is I can't stop thinking about it. I can be at a party, the gym,, lying by pool on holiday, at dinner with friends and its on my mind. I'm crushed that he views me this way and that I mean so little

SparkleKitty

I want to be very clear that I am not recommending that you need to find another man.

I always thought the answer was another man, too. The fact is, I was never going to get the validation and love I needed from another human being until I first learned to give it to myself, on my own. Another person was never the answer. Just more of the same problem, until I focused on me.

charis78

Oh no I didn't think u were at all. I was just thinking it myself. I'm quite happy being alone.

Everyone talks about self validation but how do you do it. Even if I tell myself what he says isn't true I still believe him over me and anyone else. I have an history of mam calling me crazy so u start to think maybe something is there. Is there a book on this topic? I can't afford anymore therapy as I'm still on sick leave

knowthetriggers

There is no right or wrong way to be sad or feel or grieve. We are all different and heal in our own time.

You can; however, choose to go no contact. This just might help along the healing process.

I might also add (and I am totally copying lots of other posters here) to make a list of the things that made this relationship so awful. Keep it handy as a reminder that he is not worthy of you.

Most important - take care of yourself!

charis78

It just bugs me that he thinks I'm not worthy of him. His reason we don't work is BC I want to know about his past and he's closed and wants to live in the now and also I send to many texts when we fight.

SparkleKitty

I understand. My mother thinks I am an ungrateful and unfeeling daughter, and my XABF thinks I'm a hard-ass b*tch.

As long as I know those things are not true, I don't have to worry about them.

charis78

Sparklekitty you are so strong.

SparkleKitty

Not so much strong as practiced. It gets easier. The more choices I made towards ME and away from the addicts in my life, the easier it got. This is in all of us.

Sungrl

What exactly about his past were you interested in??

Some things would be considered none of your business.
As far as the texts go, it is very easy to go wayyyyyy overboard on that.
I find it irritating myself. Not necessarily a deal breaker, dependent upon the situation.

Anyhow, reasons aside focus on him saying that is will not work between the two of you and act accordingly. In time you will forget all about him if you let yourself.

fluffyflea

Who cares what HE the ACTIVE Alcoholic thinks????

SparkleKitty

Sorry I missed this earlier.

Building self-esteem is a complicated, layered thing that happens over time. If you can't afford therapy right now, there are still things you can do to build this relationship with yourself.

You already know what they are, because they are brought up multiple times every day, in various threads, all over this forum:

• Be nice to yourself
• Go No Contact with the toxic people in your life
• Work towards financial and physical independence -- emotional independence will follow
• Spend time with people who have what you want - strong healthy relationships, positive outlooks, generous spirits
• Build a support community for YOU (Al-Anon is great start)

Healthy self-esteem is an investment of time and effort. You can't give it to yourself if you are spending it all on someone who does not appreciate it.