Chasingthedream

I heard a saying recently that apparently comes from AA/NA.

"The great thing about sobriety is that you get your feelings back. And the worst thing about sobriety is that you get your feelings back...!"

Wow, how true is that?!

I have been sober for about 3 months now. I'm not sure I realised until recently the enormity of learning to live my life without that chemically induced high. That crutch that all us addicts have relied upon for varying amounts of time.

I used drugs recreationally for about 20 years, the last few of which I developped a cocaine addiction, and began Using in secret, behind my husbands back. For a long time I lied to myself, believing that because I never used on a daily basis(more like fortnightly), that I didn't have a problem. But when I look back now, I realise that I developped a problem a long time ago. There was a clear point at which the drugs became more important than the night out, or seeing my friends. The point at which I would score before I went out, or I would score even when I wasn't going out.

For a long time, My life was a fortnightly cycle based around using- either I was using, or I was coming down, or I was feeling guilty about using, or I was binge eating crap food as a result of feeling guilty. Then just as I would start to feel better, hey ho I would score again and the cycle would repeat again.

20 years of using drugs recreationally or Habitually is a long time. All my formative years were spent using drugs, most of my friends take drugs, some have given up, some haven't. I always thought when I was younger that when I reached 30, or when I had children, or when some other life event happened, that I would just magically give up drugs. Then I turned 30, and had children, but realised I was still the same person. Nothing had changed, and I began to realise that maybe it wasn't going to be as easy as I thought.

Last year a few things happened that made me realise I wanted to change. Really change. It was nothing major in a way, I didn't OD, I hadn't hit rock bottom, it was just a slow realisation that:
1) I had 2 beautiful children and what the f***k was I doing
2) if I didn't stop taking drugs, I ran the risk of something really bad happening, and maybe of dying young and not watching my children grow up

I also thought of my younger self looking at me now and What I would think about the person I had become.

Like most, I had a lot of false starts, some lasting a few weeks, others a few months. I can't tell you why this time is different, only that it is. I think I just finally realised that

NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES

and

USING IS NOT AN OPTION, EVER

both of those sayings I learnt on SR, from fellow addicts like me, who without them, I wouldn't be where I am now.

I also think I have finally faced up to the challenge of sobriety, which for me is learning to live life without the chemical crutch I have relied upon for the last 20 years. For a long time I think I thought I used drugs because they were fun, and I was fun. Over the past year I have come to realise that I needed drugs to deal with the stresses of life, and that far from bring fun, they were simply a coping mechanism. That realisation actually made me feel pretty weak and pathetic for a while, until I learned to stop my guilt getting in the way of my sobriety. Like many on here, I have a history of abuse, and also suffered a lot of bereavement over th past 10 years. I learnt to forgive myself for needing something to help me cope, but I also accepted that I had to change.

I am rambling I know, I guess it was time to tell a bit more about myself.

The point of this post is to acknowledge that my battle is only just beginning, but I have my full body armour on and my army behind me- meaning I am ready for this!

It is not easy, I have so much to unlearn, and even more to learn!
I always thought I was so in touch with myself and my feelings. How strange it is now to realise that I spent most of my time numbing those feelings.

I find many situations challenging, especially those regarding relationships. Where once I would have thought about scoring when things became too uncomfortable to deal with, now I have to learn to sit with my feelings, and mull over them with a herbal tea!

But I am content in a way I have never been my whole life.

I live in the moment, savouring every minute with my beautiful children.

I can finally make plans about who I want to be, and what I want to do with my life, and know that I am putting myself in the best possible position to achieve those goals.

Yes, getting your feelings back is hard, but man does it make life shine in wonderful technicolor.

zerothehero

Great post. I'm right there with you, only I partied for 40 years. Had a lot of fun for a long time, and then it got ugly. It was time to stop.

gnarlyboots

You're doing awesome chasing, that old saying about the feelings coming back being both a blessing and curse is so true, how overwhelming it can be after hiding from all those emotions for so long, but also so beautiful. These challenges are what makes life worth living, if we had everything handed to us on a platter, there would be no point, no achievement, no growth, the whole dance is what we were put in this universe for.

Here's to life without chemical crutches!

RedManc7

Great post chasing - the hardest thing for me is dealing with my feelings - guilt/remorse/regret over my addictions and the consequences but also learning to deal with life's vicisitudes and emotions generally - it's hard but what other options do we have. Just have to face the truth, which can be brutal but it is what it is. Good to see you are still a sophisticated rhetorician chasing :-)

OpioPhobe

Chasing - I am really happy for you. It is good to see that you are among the living again. Also, I am glad to see that you didn't have to OD or deal with some other major catastrophe to get to the point where you knew it was time to quit.

Chasingthedream

Thanks guys. It is comforting to know that we are all treading this path together. Learning at our ripe old ages to live life and experience all its' emotions without our chemical crutch.

Opio- I feel like I sounded very glib and blasé when I said that I hadn't hit rock bottom.
The truth is- I got as near to it as I could handle- did lots of things I am terribly ashamed of. A number of occasions stand out which I'll list in the hope of letting people who are reading this know that we all do horrid things as a result of our addictions, we're all the same:

I once asked a friend to pick up my daughter from school and have her for a sleepover because I had gotten high during the day and couldn't do it myself

I partied so much one weekend that I was such a wreck on Monday morning I had to have a shot of whisky to calm my nerves before driving my daughters to school and myself to work.

I once took my daughter to the cinema, and did a line of coke in the toilet during the film. Apparently I couldn't sit through a 2 hour film.

I am literally squirming in my seat as I write these things. I want so badly to delete this post, to pretend it wasn't me, that I couldnt stoop so low. But it was me and I need to remind myself of this so I never ever let it happen again.

I never thought I could do those things. Do them to my children. I think that is what finally made me sit up and smell the coffee. So yes, things could have gotten worse, but for me that was already bad enough.

OpioPhobe

Chasing - I didn't take your comments as glib or blasé at all. One of my low points was sneaking off to sniff some pills while my wife was going into labor with our first child. Instead of living in the moment I was clutching a bottle of pills in my pocket to make sure that I had them close. I worried myself sick that I would be in withdrawal during her labor. Even though I wasn't in withdrawal my mind was occupied with the BS of pills on a day that was supposed to be one of the happiest of my life.

The thing about bottoms is that they can always get worst. Those things are in the past now though. There is no rewind button on life.