Chasingthedream

I heard a saying recently that apparently comes from AA/NA.

"The great thing about sobriety is that you get your feelings back. And the worst thing about sobriety is that you get your feelings back...!"

Wow, how true is that?!

I have been sober for about 3 months now. I'm not sure I realised until recently the enormity of learning to live my life without that chemically induced high. That crutch that all us addicts have relied upon for varying amounts of time.

I used drugs recreationally for about 20 years, the last few of which I developped a cocaine addiction, and began Using in secret, behind my husbands back. For a long time I lied to myself, believing that because I never used on a daily basis(more like fortnightly), that I didn't have a problem. But when I look back now, I realise that I developped a problem a long time ago. There was a clear point at which the drugs became more important than the night out, or seeing my friends. The point at which I would score before I went out, or I would score even when I wasn't going out.

For a long time, My life was a fortnightly cycle based around using- either I was using, or I was coming down, or I was feeling guilty about using, or I was binge eating crap food as a result of feeling guilty. Then just as I would start to feel better, hey ho I would score again and the cycle would repeat again.

20 years of using drugs recreationally or Habitually is a long time. All my formative years were spent using drugs, most of my friends take drugs, some have given up, some haven't. I always thought when I was younger that when I reached 30, or when I had children, or when some other life event happened, that I would just magically give up drugs. Then I turned 30, and had children, but realised I was still the same person. Nothing had changed, and I began to realise that maybe it wasn't going to be as easy as I thought.

Last year a few things happened that made me realise I wanted to change. Really change. It was nothing major in a way, I didn't OD, I hadn't hit rock bottom, it was just a slow realisation that:
1) I had 2 beautiful children and what the f***k was I doing
2) if I didn't stop taking drugs, I ran the risk of something really bad happening, and maybe of dying young and not watching my children grow up

I also thought of my younger self looking at me now and What I would think about the person I had become.

Like most, I had a lot of false starts, some lasting a few weeks, others a few months. I can't tell you why this time is different, only that it is. I think I just finally realised that

NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES

and

USING IS NOT AN OPTION, EVER

both of those sayings I learnt on SR, from fellow addicts like me, who without them, I wouldn't be where I am now.

I also think I have finally faced up to the challenge of sobriety, which for me is learning to live life without the chemical crutch I have relied upon for the last 20 years. For a long time I think I thought I used drugs because they were fun, and I was fun. Over the past year I have come to realise that I needed drugs to deal with the stresses of life, and that far from bring fun, they were simply a coping mechanism. That realisation actually made me feel pretty weak and pathetic for a while, until I learned to stop my guilt getting in the way of my sobriety. Like many on here, I have a history of abuse, and also suffered a lot of bereavement over th past 10 years. I learnt to forgive myself for needing something to help me cope, but I also accepted that I had to change.

I am rambling I know, I guess it was time to tell a bit more about myself.

The point of this post is to acknowledge that my battle is only just beginning, but I have my full body armour on and my army behind me- meaning I am ready for this!

It is not easy, I have so much to unlearn, and even more to learn!
I always thought I was so in touch with myself and my feelings. How strange it is now to realise that I spent most of my time numbing those feelings.

I find many situations challenging, especially those regarding relationships. Where once I would have thought about scoring when things became too uncomfortable to deal with, now I have to learn to sit with my feelings, and mull over them with a herbal tea!

But I am content in a way I have never been my whole life.

I live in the moment, savouring every minute with my beautiful children.

I can finally make plans about who I want to be, and what I want to do with my life, and know that I am putting myself in the best possible position to achieve those goals.

Yes, getting your feelings back is hard, but man does it make life shine in wonderful technicolor.