For those who stayed...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Canada.
Posts: 795
I am staying. Yes it is working. Lots of work, we use a lot of craft/smart and H goes to AA mtgs when he feels he needs to. Individual and couples therapy with a non 12 step counsellor and a lot of teamwork.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by 987g 
Is there anyone out there who stayed with their RA and it's working?
Even when alcohol isn't in the picture, sometimes people stay together for the wrong reasons. Love isn't a life sentence, you know.
It sounds like you have some thinking to do. It sounds like you have to reassess what is best for you, what you want out of a romantic partner, and whether the RA can provide that.
That, and how long you're willing to ride out the storm.
No shortcuts on this one, kid. Think hard, and be honest with yourself.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
987....not just to be negative, but I doubt that you will find many examples of what you are asking for on this particular forum.
By the nature of the forum...you don't find a lot of people who are in a relationship that is running smoothly coming to this forum. People don't generally come to report their happiness...unless it is to give an update after they have left the forum. Yes, you will find those from time to time..where there was recovery and a happily functioning relationship.
I hope you get some more responses to y our question....
dandylion
By the nature of the forum...you don't find a lot of people who are in a relationship that is running smoothly coming to this forum. People don't generally come to report their happiness...unless it is to give an update after they have left the forum. Yes, you will find those from time to time..where there was recovery and a happily functioning relationship.
I hope you get some more responses to y our question....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I'm still with RAH, 3+ yrs into recovery.
I think we epitomize the saying, "progress not perfection"; we've definitely been through many ups & downs. We're both guilty of relapsing behaviors, recovery isn't any kind of straight line.
I think we epitomize the saying, "progress not perfection"; we've definitely been through many ups & downs. We're both guilty of relapsing behaviors, recovery isn't any kind of straight line.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I stayed with my recovered alcoholic for 13 years (he was sober the whole time). We wound up getting divorced, but that was because the marriage just didn't feel "right" to me. He was a great husband and a great dad to our kids, and we are still VERY good friends.
The first couple of years were rocky at times, but he kept at it. If you can't tell, I'm EXTREMELY proud of him, and glad he's still in my life.
The first couple of years were rocky at times, but he kept at it. If you can't tell, I'm EXTREMELY proud of him, and glad he's still in my life.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
My AH is dry since October, but I would not say he's in recovery. No meetings. He still blames everyone but himself for all his problems. He still minimizes the destruction that he caused when he was drinking. He's still emotionally abusive and manipulative.
I regret letting him come home.
However, compared to the way things were when he was drinking, it's much better, and it's "working" more often than it's not.
Just taking it one day at a time.
I regret letting him come home.
However, compared to the way things were when he was drinking, it's much better, and it's "working" more often than it's not.
Just taking it one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Still with my RA. Has been good. Being with an RA (total 12 years sober) is not always easy. Have dealt with one relapse. I would say his emotional needs are much more than mine - he is also Bi-Polar but its managed well.
IME RA's always carry some of the alcoholic personality with them even if they have worked a recovery program. He has some fantastic attributes and we are genuinely best friends. The good far outweighs the bad.
If he relapses again I'm out the door like **** through a goose. Once was enough.
IME RA's always carry some of the alcoholic personality with them even if they have worked a recovery program. He has some fantastic attributes and we are genuinely best friends. The good far outweighs the bad.
If he relapses again I'm out the door like **** through a goose. Once was enough.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 90
Thanks for all the responses! I'm just torn. The thing is, there is something right about it all. Other people notice it too. But then sometimes, like when I get the silent treatment, I have a hard time loving him...but even when it's hard to love him I still do.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Nobody is perfect. Non-RA's can be a PIA and terrible partners.
I think its a matter of acceptance. May not like the silent treatment - perhaps you can get yourself to a point where you can ignore it. I ignore the pissy behavior of RAH when it surfaces. I'm amazing at it.
Considering I am never pissy. Ever.
I think its a matter of acceptance. May not like the silent treatment - perhaps you can get yourself to a point where you can ignore it. I ignore the pissy behavior of RAH when it surfaces. I'm amazing at it.
Considering I am never pissy. Ever.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
If I recall correctly, you're in a semi-friendship with this guy, not even a real dating relationship at the moment, correct?
Has it occurred to you that he may be quite fond of you but not in "that way" and he's kind of trying to keep his distance without hurting you? I'm asking because I've done that to people, myself. If I sense that they are interested in me in a romantic way, and I'm (excuse the expression) "just not that into him," I can become fairly distant. I'm not suggesting that's a good way to handle it--I'm sure both I and the guy would be better off if I were more direct, but I find it hard to be direct about something that might make someone feel rejected. Someone who I like and don't want to hurt.
Has it occurred to you that he may be quite fond of you but not in "that way" and he's kind of trying to keep his distance without hurting you? I'm asking because I've done that to people, myself. If I sense that they are interested in me in a romantic way, and I'm (excuse the expression) "just not that into him," I can become fairly distant. I'm not suggesting that's a good way to handle it--I'm sure both I and the guy would be better off if I were more direct, but I find it hard to be direct about something that might make someone feel rejected. Someone who I like and don't want to hurt.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by 987g
Thanks for all the responses! I'm just torn. The thing is, there is something right about it all. Other people notice it too. But then sometimes, like when I get the silent treatment, I have a hard time loving him...but even when it's hard to love him I still do.
Two of my relationships ended even though both women and I loved each other very, very much. But love's not enough. It is, at best, a foundation on which to build something strong. At it's worst, it's used as excuse to stay in a bad situation.
Listen to what your head tells you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 352
My A found recovery and has been sober for 10 months now. He started the process two years ago. During this time he's had a few relapses. We are married now and he is a good husband and shows his love for us by staying sober and fully subscribing to AA.
You know what though, it has been hell to get to where I am now and there were times when actually, I should have walked away. The chaos he caused in my life was terrible. If you look back at some of my old posts you'll get a snippet of what life was like. I'm not saying I've made a mistake by being with him but if I'd have left, that wouldn't have been wrong either.
He will always be an addict and that will always be a huge part of our life. For example, he goes to a meeting three times a week (usually). That should make me so happy right? It does but as a result I can also feel incredibly lonely and resentful. I'm also in a relationship where I'll never be able to have a glass or two of wine with my partner and have a those silly moments. Arguably, that's not important and I should be grateful he's sober and not even consider that as a loss. But for me, it is. The biggest thing for me though is always knowing that a relapse is not beyond the realms of possibility. For me, relapse has been a hideous thing to deal with.
I've probably made out that I'm unhappy in this post. I'm not. I just thought it might be useful for you to know that even the relationships that are "working" continue to be work in progress :-)
You know what though, it has been hell to get to where I am now and there were times when actually, I should have walked away. The chaos he caused in my life was terrible. If you look back at some of my old posts you'll get a snippet of what life was like. I'm not saying I've made a mistake by being with him but if I'd have left, that wouldn't have been wrong either.
He will always be an addict and that will always be a huge part of our life. For example, he goes to a meeting three times a week (usually). That should make me so happy right? It does but as a result I can also feel incredibly lonely and resentful. I'm also in a relationship where I'll never be able to have a glass or two of wine with my partner and have a those silly moments. Arguably, that's not important and I should be grateful he's sober and not even consider that as a loss. But for me, it is. The biggest thing for me though is always knowing that a relapse is not beyond the realms of possibility. For me, relapse has been a hideous thing to deal with.
I've probably made out that I'm unhappy in this post. I'm not. I just thought it might be useful for you to know that even the relationships that are "working" continue to be work in progress :-)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 276
I recently made the decision to stay with mine despite all of our (don't get me wrong!!) MASSIVE issues. Mainly this is because of several breakthroughs in our communication, the most recent of which was him being subjected to staying up with our sleepless 4-month-old for a couple of nights in a row.
He told me last night that he "only got about 3 hours of sleep last night, and the night before...NOW <he knows> HOW I FEEL." (This is of course referencing the fact that until about 2 weeks ago I was taking care of Baby on my own, as well as working fulltime AND taking care of HIM.)
I'm not so sure "happiness" insomuch as one is "never" or "rarely" angry, sad, stressed out, etc is achievable for anyone, let alone those of us with RA significant others. Rather, I'm personally just striving for a sense of stability, progress, overall contentment & most of all, HOPE.
I stayed with my RA because things that have happened recently have given me HOPE, so hope is what I wish for you, too
He told me last night that he "only got about 3 hours of sleep last night, and the night before...NOW <he knows> HOW I FEEL." (This is of course referencing the fact that until about 2 weeks ago I was taking care of Baby on my own, as well as working fulltime AND taking care of HIM.)
I'm not so sure "happiness" insomuch as one is "never" or "rarely" angry, sad, stressed out, etc is achievable for anyone, let alone those of us with RA significant others. Rather, I'm personally just striving for a sense of stability, progress, overall contentment & most of all, HOPE.
I stayed with my RA because things that have happened recently have given me HOPE, so hope is what I wish for you, too
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 15
I am asking myself these questions too.
I'm afraid my partner is on his last chance (the third last chance actually...). Leaving someone I love and care about is a very difficult thing to do, and when things are relatively good (like they are now), it's easy to say I will ride it out and support him - even if it means sacrificing some of my own well-being.
Maybe it is a matter of the individual whether or not it will work out in the end, but the optimist in me says it's definitely possible. Stay strong x
I'm afraid my partner is on his last chance (the third last chance actually...). Leaving someone I love and care about is a very difficult thing to do, and when things are relatively good (like they are now), it's easy to say I will ride it out and support him - even if it means sacrificing some of my own well-being.
Maybe it is a matter of the individual whether or not it will work out in the end, but the optimist in me says it's definitely possible. Stay strong x
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