honeypig

I filed for divorce from my AH in November. We just converted it to a legal separation, partly for practical purposes (health insurance, etc.) and partly b/c it's just hard to end a nearly 19-year marriage. However, there is simply no way I could continue w/o knowing that my finances and property are not accessible to him, and the separation will give me that.

I think Zoso made some really important points about staying in a marriage or relationship for the wrong reasons. There are major problems in ours, some related to alcohol and others that are not.

My A's sponsor said it took his wife 5 years of recovery, on his part as well as hers, before she was able to trust him in any meaningful way. I have no problems believing it will be at least that long for us, if in fact it ever happens.

And the thing that I can't ever forget? He will always be an A. Always. He will never be "cured." Things will never be "safe." He's had some kind of addiction virtually all his life, and still does (smoking). Can I live w/that sword hanging over my head? I still don't know.

But I DO know: I have a choice.

PinkCloudsCharley

Sometimes, the things we attribute to alcoholism or recovering alcoholics is simply their personality. Some people are negative, some people are grouchy, some people give the silent treatment just because that's who they are. I think it's really important to differentiate the original person and the addiction.

My H, for example, will always be a bit edgy and quick to anger. He was before he drank, he is now that he's sober. That's his personality. I can't blame that on alcohol, as much as I'd like to. It was accentuated with alcohol, but he will always be a bit more hot headed than me.

Jenibean87

I stayed. Over and over and over, unhealthily, for the better part of a decade.

Things are much better now, but had I know how sick I was and how many years I would waste... I'm not sure I would make the same choice. Hindsight is 20/20.

But, as I said, RA is 7 months sober (nearly!) and things are better than ever. But that's a hot second of goodness ontop of a lot of grief to get to where we are now. It's an incredibly difficult journey. Only thing I can say is be prepared--for the pain, and also to leave. I got what I wanted in the end, but the sacrifices were soul-crushing at times.

Clee0308

My rah has been sober 6 1/2 months. I have stayed and we are both working on ourselves. I find he is far more considerate and attentive to my feelings etc. very open and honest. He has two kids who have pretty much deserted him since he went to rehab. That is a big hurdle for us as they see me as competition/temporary in his life. We have been together 24 years. It's working right now. Who knows what will happen when they decide they need him.....

NYCDoglvr

My shrink said it best: everyone has problems, it just depends on which ones you can live with and which ones you can't.

987g

Yes you are correct! He changes his mind about every month on how he feels. Sometimes he does say that he doesn't feel that way about me or that he's distancing so he doesn't hurt me but other times it is the opposite and all of a sudden I am back to being sweetheart and darli ng and what not. He also does this to other women. One week, it's insults and hoping she dies, the next he's bringing her over for dinner with his family. I FULLY and completely realize this is not in any way shape or dorm healthy. I will admit that I am working on getting over him and the attachment I have to him but at the same time this family has been in my life forever. They are like a second family and I'm just trying to decide if I can / want to put up with him at all, even as a friend. Or maybe it is just not possible.