knowthetriggers

I can't just let it go. All the doubting in my head, it is screaming.

After the ER visit with my youngest DD yesterday my husband went back to work. He had his mid-year and received a raise, pretty awesome.

Today we are snowed in but he leaves for a business trip in the morning. He says to me, "mind if I go pick me up some new jeans?", he did need new ones. Who am I to really stop him, I mean he can do what he wants. I only asked what was left in the checking account, he told me and I said well then we are good.

He leaves, I continue to work from home. Time goes by and I get "that feeling", you know, the one where he has been gone for a while. First thought - roads are still covered and not all of them are plowed, okay. Send a text, no answer

After a while I call, he answers right away, he is right around the corner. He tells me the store was busy - hardly no cashiers, I am still doubting. But at this point he is right around the corner and we hang up. When he walks in he hands me a wad of cash! I GASPED, OMG, where did you get this??!!! He says "I got a bonus yesterday and I was trying to find a place to cash it, this is yours, I kept some for my trip".

I was dumbfounded. I hugged him (hoping I would not smell anything, I didn't) and told him congrats, he smiled. But I still wondered...still doubting. So instead of being silent about it I say to him, "Ya know, I thought you were taking a minute to run that errand". He looks at me confused, I say "You know, the errand, I doubted you". He says "Well that's not my fault. I was buying jeans and T-shirts and cashing my check". He wasn't ugly about it in any way, just sort of matter of fact.

I say "Well it sort of is your fault, not today, but your past". He agreed.

I am trying to work past being judgmental, UHG - I hate that is sneaks up on me - and there I go again thinking, he could be pulling the wool over my eyes with this story. He is pretty slick

I just need to let it go! If my HP wants me to know something he will show me, he usually does!

I see lots of red flags in my actions - easy on the public flogging peeps - lol

CodeJob

No flogging from me.

It still happens to me once in a while.

Here's the thing, your antenna picked up subterfuge. It wasn't drinking, he was trying to cash a check. But you KNEW that the trip was taking longer than usual. You were on alert.

PinkCloudsCharley

My H has been sober since Christmas and quite serious about not drinking again. And i doubt him every single day. Our counselor tells me when I have enough positive memories stored in my memory bank to pull from I will doubt him a lot less. The only thing that works here, unfortunately, is time. And while I'm usually a patient person, I hear you, it's hard.

hopeful4

It's really really hard to trust in someone who has not fully earned that trust. And completely ok.

On the flip side, wow, how nice to be handed a wad of cash!!!!

XXX

knowthetriggers

YES! I about flipped out for sure!!!

AnvilheadII

not that long ago i had myself convinced that hank was getting pills from someone at work or at a bar he used to stop by and then snorting them before he got home.

WHY you ask?
1) sometimes he wouldn't be home when "I" thought he should based on the time he gets off work
2) he seemed to be sniffing a lot and kinda jacked up when he got home
3) he changed the razor blade on his work knife

as it turns out,
1) he's a big boy and isn't required to be ON the property by 5pm before the castle locks up for the night
2) he did really have a cold and was just damn glad to BE home
3) the old blade was dull and he almost cut himself the day before


i swear this female suspicious mind thing is a VIRUS. and it just explodes in the brain! and i know better dammit! but that doesn't matter one whit once the Doubt Demons start their march.......

LemonGirl

It's such a fine line it seems between trusting your gutts and instincts against just plain 'ole thinking too much.

Not sure I'd win that one. I never even began that battle with my ex because I didn't want to be told that my feelings were wrong and him become defensive... whether I was right or wrong. Messing with honesty in a relationship is a big no-no, and this is why...

freetosmile

Let the flogging begin!!!

I'm teasing

Yes, you did doubt him but IMO rightfully so. I guess the thing here is.. I doubt my AH A LOT-- I have just learned not to *verbalize* those doubts and work them out in my OWN head.

I think it falls under the catagory of "reacting". We don't NEED to react. We can wait and mule it over in our heads to decide if we WANT to say something about it, if we have the RIGHT to say anything about it, and if it is the appropriate TIME to say anything about it.

I'm so glad he got a bonus and that he brought it home to you. that is pretty awesome Trigs!!

FireSprite

Don't feel bad - I do it all. the. time.

I'm getting a better grip on it over the last few weeks though. I think. He's been having so many meltdowns over this crap going on with his mom that he's been unpredictable & scattered & many of his behaviors mimic those from his active drinking days. I thought he had relapsed about a month ago & it's been a bit of a roller coaster. It's the first time he's really DEALING with emotions during his recovery.

At first, when his behavior was getting erratic again, I jumped into Super Codie behavior defensively, without even realizing it. I was making accusations instead of waiting for more to be revealed or hey, how about ASKING?..... I was making assumptions & treating them as facts & letting that drive my emotions. Sigh. While it's still up to him to not lapse back into these old behaviors in the first place, it still showed me a whole new menu of triggers I hadn't thought about & it's raised some recovery points for me to work on independently. (Like free pointed out - getting back to acting & not reacting)

LexieCat

We don't shoot our wounded.

These are mental habits we've developed over LONG experience. They don't go away overnight, any more than alcoholic thinking does when the alcoholic gets sober. It takes time, and effort.

Hang in there, you're making progress, even if today it didn't feel that way.

knowthetriggers

I think sharing my thoughts and reactions here is really helping me with awareness of the situation. I read and re-read my post and pick it apart. Then I go back and read the comments.

Thanks guys....you all rock in my book!

One day at a time for sure!