Roxxxy

I promised myself I wouldn't be here again, dating an alcoholic that is. Well.. I actually really don't know if he's an alcoholic. That's just something I labeled him as. I say this only because since the short amount of time that I've known him he has been buzzed and drunk a majority of the time. His behavior towards me when intoxicated brings flash backs of how my exabf was towards me. The guilt trips, manipulation, small treats, excuses why he drinks and silent treatment (he distance himself from me as if he's teaching me a lesson).

I saw the red flags since day one. Yet, he was different from my exabf, I would tell myself. He's more communicative, considerate and passionate towards me then my ex ever was. Am I in somewhat denial? We bump heads often due to him forgetting what we've communicated days ago. He forgets due to his drinking. He says... I never said that.. I'm starting to think you come up with these things in your head of what I supposely say. <<<< This comment has been said to me a handful of times. In return, causes me to boil up. I'm almost starting to feel like it's a game to him in seeing how mad I get. Only because the conclusion always results in me becoming exhausted from all the exchange of words. I always end up apologizing just to make him happy. He never acknowledges anything and the issue always gets swept under the rug.

I know the situation is not healthy. It's all to familiar. It just hurts because we've actually established a really good bond and have lots of chemistry. The underlying issue is his drinking. The same issue as ex. Any of this sound familiar to any of you?

AnvilheadII

it must sound awfully familiar to YOU!

so what's up Roxxxy? what's your motive/justification for staying in this situation?

LemonGirl

Sounds like alcoholism to me. Sorry you have had to do this again. I personally know how that feels. But this time, even though I love my xabf, I left after only 9 months, and I am determined to get myself healthy this time. No more dating addicts, alcohilcs, narcissists, or emotionally unavailable men!

What are your plans with this guy?

NYCDoglvr

When I split from a relationship with an alcoholic I vowed never to go out with one again. Same person, different suit. With a great deal of Alanon and therapy I didn't. Perhaps you should decide if you want to stay on this path.

Roxxxy

Anvil, I've been sticking around because I'm trying to keep the faith. He's told me things, things that he wants out of life too. Love, marriage and kids. I can possibly see you being the one I have it with, he says to me. Yet, how for real is he? He's drunk and sober when he says it. Sometimes he's a little more compassionate about it. Other times he seems distant about it. I'm confused. I ask him often if he's playing mind games with me on what he says, leading me on. We then bump heads.

It's getting to the point were I'm tired of all of it all. I see myself becoming more distant. Then again, I'm still holding on by a string.

Katchie

It sounds to me like you already know the answer to your questions about this person deep down.

It doesn't matter how much he means it when he says all the sweet things you want to hear. Trust your gut on this.

What are you doing to help make sure you don't keep repeating this type of relationship?

Hugs, hon..I'm sorry he is giving your gut reason to pause. Listen to it!

maia1234

R- I am so sorry that it happened again to you.

Talk is cheap and what he says to you is cheap. A's love one thing and one thing only. I know that you know that, you have been around long enough.

I think you want us to tell you that he is "different", Just because he is nicer then old one. That doesn't make it any better. IMO - Take yourself and run fast, out the door. There is no difference between your new alcoholic boyfriend, your old alcoholic boyfriend and my XAH. They are all the same!!

Sorry Hon, sending you lots of hugs!!

FeelingGreat

Hi Roxy, from what you've written about him playing games with you, leading you on, manipulation and of course the constant drinking, you may choose to step away from this relationship before you get yourself even more committed.

It will hurt less if you make the decision now and stick to it, because you'll be in control.

Jen73

Are you scared being alone?

Roxxxy

Yea... cutting the string right away is best! Instead of slowly letting it unravel. The whole situation just sucks. When it comes to dating someone I try my hardest to get myself involved with someone who is healthy mentally, emotionally and physically. No offense to anyone but it just makes life easier dealing with someone who has it together, at least somewhat. Ya know? Not saying I'm perfect because Im not. Just trying to live a healthy life on all levels. I think we all are?

Jen... Yes I am afraid of being alone. I have abandonment issues.

LexieCat

Well, maybe you need to take a good, long break from ANY relationships for a while, and get comfortable with just being with yourself. Believe me, it goes a long, long way toward not running into the next relationship just to avoid being alone. I did that up until my last relationship ended seven years ago. I'm very happy being on my own now. I'll never say never, but I'm sure not in any hurry to hook up with someone else. My life is more peaceful than it's ever been.

Seren

Roxxxy, I'm sorry you find yourself in this position again! Ugh!!

After my divorce and one particularly unhealthy relationship, I had to spend some quality alone time before I got involved with anyone again. Now I'm married to a really good man, mature, healthy (mostly ), smart and funny. But I don't think I would have been ready for this relationship if I had not spent that time learning and growing on my own first.

Roxxxy

I know it's like a reapeated cycle, or at least can be if I choose to continue with the relationship. I do care about him which makes it hard to let go. What can I say, the heart wants what the heart wants. Even though my heart may end up broken. Ahhhh

I worry about him. He suffers from depression and may even be in denial that he has a possible drinking problem. Then again it's not my problem right?

Jen73

What are your interests, passions, talents, wishes, desires, dreams and feelings?
I am learning these for myself, because I have realized I only can do this to find myself and no one can do this for me. These are just esamples and maybe they wont work for you, Find yourself first, there will always be someone out there for you, but working on yourself before you can handle another thing. Just my opinion hun!!
Interests: Focus not to drink and find a healthy life for me
Passions: Read books, play games, post on forums, being with my kids, go shopping, watch movies, go to meetings, write on my blog and ect…
Talents: Work on my homepage and publish my poetry
Wishes: No more ups and downs, need a solid ground to walk on
Desires: to admit I need answers and help to help me to go forward and be free of this disease for a healthy family life
Feelings: Learn to control my anxiety when it flares up all at once, Be happy what you have accomplish in your new life.

Thank you for your post, and I hope I help you in some way.

Roxxxy

Thank you all for your comments. I appericate it! You all made valid comments, ones in which I need to really consider. Well.. I guess you can say that I've already took them into consideration since day one. The red flags were bright enough. I just got attached quickly.

The update with him and I is at a stand still. within the last week we've managed to get into three fights, one being today. He thinks I've been dramatic lately. Really?? I stated to him that it wasn't fair to call me that when the majority of time he been drunk, causing him to critize and nick-pick at me on a daily basis, literally. If anyone is dramatic it's him. He's the drunk that acts like a jerk towards me causing me anxiety and stress and in return makes me act out in aggressive behavior. <<<<flash backs of the monster I turned into with exabf. I hated the person I was with ex. I felt like I had lost my soul.

I guess space between him and I is good. I'll be catching up on life and the things I enjoy. Jen, thanks for the list! Tomorrow I'm going to take advantage of some photography and maybe buy bird to spoil

Seren

Photography? Bird? So....will we get to see this new precious feathery friend if you get one? Perhaps a picture?

NWGRITS

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it's probably an alcoholic. Cut and run, girl. Cut and run. You're just getting yourself into the same mess you swore off after the last one.

Roxxxy

I have a question: why do alcoholics use mental and emotional abuse?? It's so draining. What's the purpose? I assume they know what their doing. Just a question I'm curious to know. Any comments will be greatly appericated.

LexieCat

It depends on the alcoholic--some people are abusive by nature. For others, though, it's about deflecting attention from their disease. If it's all your fault, then they aren't responsible and don't have to do anything about their drinking. It often isn't a conscious, thought-out plan of action, it's just a knee-jerk response to shift attention to YOUR supposed shortcomings. Like a little kid yelling, "She started it!"

GracieLou

^ This and some are raised in an alcoholic or a narcissistic home and they think that behavior is normal. They can't see it any other way and they won't unless they get sober and even that does not guarantee they will see it differently.

It is selfish and self centered but they only know to think that way so they look at other people like they are the crazy ones. They are the problem. You need to think like they do, they are right.

Honestly, I could not see how sick I was or how insane some of my thought processes were and my behavior was until I was at least three months sober and then I could see them but didn't know how to change them. It takes time, effort, willingness, honesty..etc to get there. It is not a a POOF change like so many expect it to be including the recovering alcoholic.

In the mean time, the only thing you can do is to take care of you and that is leaving the relationship, then leave it or at the very least, distance yourself. If you back away it may tell you what you need or want to know.