Just needed to vent
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 127
Hi all - Thanks again for feedback!! I know my situation is one I control. Should I walk right or left? What if I jump? Do you think this possible alcholic man will catch me? He actually says he would. Funny thing is I believe him. Like I stated before, my conversations with him are all to familiar. It seems like the same scenario but with less tears. I can put it as I'm educated this time around- the guilt trips don't work, the manipulation doesn't work, the excuses don't work and so on. He seems surprised. Intrigued maybe. I know he has a drinking problem. You think 3 DUIs would make him admit it? nah. He's confident and sure of himself. Yet, ain't they all?
Alright, so I think I'm rambling here. Maybe even not making sense or sounding a little hypercritical. Thing is, I'm calm. I'm not mad or sad, just calm. Our relationship is good at the moment. I'm just a thinker, one that dwells a little more than I probably should.
However, I may be reaching out for an answer when I say this- he says "I know I'm a heavy drinking but I don't think I have a drinking problem. We're not living together. Therefore, my drinking isn't affecting you in any way. Not to mention, financially."
^^^ He thinks he's making a valid point but I disagree. Don't you? I mean he is somewhat affecting me emotionally. I just don't see how he can't acknowledge that. Lexicat and Grace I assume this is an example of behavior of narcissistic and deflecting attention from his disease?
Alright, so I think I'm rambling here. Maybe even not making sense or sounding a little hypercritical. Thing is, I'm calm. I'm not mad or sad, just calm. Our relationship is good at the moment. I'm just a thinker, one that dwells a little more than I probably should.
However, I may be reaching out for an answer when I say this- he says "I know I'm a heavy drinking but I don't think I have a drinking problem. We're not living together. Therefore, my drinking isn't affecting you in any way. Not to mention, financially."
^^^ He thinks he's making a valid point but I disagree. Don't you? I mean he is somewhat affecting me emotionally. I just don't see how he can't acknowledge that. Lexicat and Grace I assume this is an example of behavior of narcissistic and deflecting attention from his disease?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You said you've known him only a short time, the way he's acting is upsetting you, so it really doesn't matter if he's an alcoholic or not, does it? Why are you so determined to stay in this relationship? Especially since you've been through this drill already--and not that long ago. Why sign up for another round of unpleasantness?
Why not just tell him, "You're right, it isn't affecting me because I'm done. Best of luck, take care."
Why not just tell him, "You're right, it isn't affecting me because I'm done. Best of luck, take care."
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 127
Yes, it does matter if he's an alchoholic. Why wouldn't it not? I'm not trying to argue. It's just that in all relationships upsetting each other at some point is normal. It's how two people grow and learn from one another. It's what builds the relationship, a common ground of mutual understanding and respect. Yet, when it goes in a direction, of abuse, is a different story. At this point it's not "why would I stay in this relationship." I'm simply just trying to understand, that's all.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
What signs have you seen, exactly, that he is ready to "learn and grow" with you? I get that you have this "passionate connection," which really doesn't mean anything except that you turn each other on. You said he is "drunk and buzzed the majority of the time" you're together. You've talked about being frustrated because he doesn't remember things you've talked about because he's drunk.
If all that's OK with you, then I'm not quite sure what to tell you. Nobody here is going to be able to "diagnose" him as an alcoholic or not, but it seems to me you're in for the same unpleasantness whether he is or he isn't.
If all that's OK with you, then I'm not quite sure what to tell you. Nobody here is going to be able to "diagnose" him as an alcoholic or not, but it seems to me you're in for the same unpleasantness whether he is or he isn't.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
It's just that in all relationships upsetting each other at some point is normal. It's how two people grow and learn from one another. It's what builds the relationship, a common ground of mutual understanding and respect
hmmm. so it is your belief that conflict is NECESSARY in order for a relationship to grow? that it's the foundation to gain respect and understanding?
hmmm. so it is your belief that conflict is NECESSARY in order for a relationship to grow? that it's the foundation to gain respect and understanding?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 127
In my opinion I believe that it's "normal" for a relationship to encounter fighting and bickering at some point. I mean come on, what's a relationship without disagreeing with one another? Everyone is so quick to say that "fighting or bickering" is a sign of a bad relationship. I disagree. The point I'm trying to make in my last comment is that "it's completely normal" to come to disagreements, like I said, it's what builds the relationship. In fact, it's completely healthy. However, fighting with a purpose is the key. Fighting about small unnecessary things for instance, how you cook prime rib or fold towels, is not so healthy.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Santa Rosa CA
Posts: 240
Originally Posted by Roxxxy 
In my opinion I believe that it's "normal" for a relationship to encounter fighting and bickering at some point. I mean come on, what's a relationship without disagreeing with one another? Everyone is so quick to say that "fighting or bickering" is a sign of a bad relationship. I disagree. The point I'm trying to make in my last comment is that "it's completely normal" to come to disagreements, like I said, it's what builds the relationship. In fact, it's completely healthy. However, fighting with a purpose is the key. Fighting about small unnecessary things for instance, how you cook prime rib or fold towels, is not so healthy.
Hubby and i have been married 18 years and have had two arguments.
I had enough arguments growing up (parents argued over EVERYTHING) that I do not want it in my life
Arguing is about who is right, that just isn't important to me anymore
I don't have to "win"
It makes me sick at my stomach to argue
It's unhealthy
In search of myself
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Philadelphia FREEDOM
Posts: 149
Originally Posted by Roxxxy
In my opinion I believe that it's "normal" for a relationship to encounter fighting and bickering at some point.
Fighting is okay if it's a clean fight that clears the air and the couple learns something from it and forgives and forgets. I don't think you could possibly have that if you are with a man who is buzzed or downright drunk most of the time.
What exactly are you getting out of this relationship other than passion? And I assume when you mention "passion" you mean great sex.
I had great sex with my husband. Lots and lots of great sex. When the rubber met the road and I needed a devoted partner to be there for me, I didn't get great anything. Just a void.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: SE USA
Posts: 599
[QUOTE="Roxxxy;5230782"]Yes, it does matter if he's an alchoholic./QUOTE]
Most of us alkies won't admit or think we're alkies until we've hit a pretty hard bottom. You would be shocked at the number of people who say they had a hard time admitting it who had absolutely horrible bottoms. So, my point is, don't base whether he is or not solely on his opinion.
Three DWI's is not a good sign.
Most of us alkies won't admit or think we're alkies until we've hit a pretty hard bottom. You would be shocked at the number of people who say they had a hard time admitting it who had absolutely horrible bottoms. So, my point is, don't base whether he is or not solely on his opinion.
Three DWI's is not a good sign.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 127
Erin, yes fairly new relationship. Yet, OVER as I speak. Sorry for the caps, I wasn't yelling at you just expressing my enthusiasm! Seriously.
So... Here's an update; I'm no longer involved with the guy. Our last two conversations spiraled out of control when he misunderstood what I said. He ended telling me to F off. However, I wasn't surprised by his choice of words because it wasn't the first time he's told me that. Normally, I would have acted out telling him to F off too (as I used to with my exabf). Instead, I've learned from experience that adding fuel to the fire especially with a drunk is no good. Therefore, I chose the safe route and removed myself from the situation. Leaving him alone. Three days passed, we reconnected, and the issue was swept underneath the rug like usual. It was noon time and he was hungover from the night before. Our conversation (in which a serious one I was trying to have) was pointless. He wasn't trying to have a conversation. Instead preoccupied with the show COPS, were a man was being pulled over for a DUI. He seemed intrigued and kept on saying... Yup, he's going to jail.... Yup, he's going to jail.... Oh man, Yup, he's going to jail. <<<< I sat on the couch in silence saying to myself... Yup, something your familiar with.
So I left, so he could eat lunch. A few hours later we talked on the phone. He said he would call and he did. Although, he was on mute. Meaning he didn't have a thing to say. I asked... What's the point of you saying your going to call when your not going to talk??? Well turns out he was coming off his hangover back to being sober. His irritability was kicking in, I could tell. His body needed alcohol. So we got off the phone. He texts me hours later, he was re-energized and more communicative, he was drunk! I was annoyed and over it!
I guess you can say I was a little in denial about this guy in the beginning even though I saw red flags. The compassion was keeping me attached. Yet, it's no longer their. When I actually think about it he treats me like Sh**! And the part that pisses me off (my fault) is that I passed up a really good guy to date this alcoholic. I become charmed by his sweet words of telling me he was going to give me the best of what I deserve. Psst.. Shame on me for falling for that drunken line.
So... Here's an update; I'm no longer involved with the guy. Our last two conversations spiraled out of control when he misunderstood what I said. He ended telling me to F off. However, I wasn't surprised by his choice of words because it wasn't the first time he's told me that. Normally, I would have acted out telling him to F off too (as I used to with my exabf). Instead, I've learned from experience that adding fuel to the fire especially with a drunk is no good. Therefore, I chose the safe route and removed myself from the situation. Leaving him alone. Three days passed, we reconnected, and the issue was swept underneath the rug like usual. It was noon time and he was hungover from the night before. Our conversation (in which a serious one I was trying to have) was pointless. He wasn't trying to have a conversation. Instead preoccupied with the show COPS, were a man was being pulled over for a DUI. He seemed intrigued and kept on saying... Yup, he's going to jail.... Yup, he's going to jail.... Oh man, Yup, he's going to jail. <<<< I sat on the couch in silence saying to myself... Yup, something your familiar with.
So I left, so he could eat lunch. A few hours later we talked on the phone. He said he would call and he did. Although, he was on mute. Meaning he didn't have a thing to say. I asked... What's the point of you saying your going to call when your not going to talk??? Well turns out he was coming off his hangover back to being sober. His irritability was kicking in, I could tell. His body needed alcohol. So we got off the phone. He texts me hours later, he was re-energized and more communicative, he was drunk! I was annoyed and over it!
I guess you can say I was a little in denial about this guy in the beginning even though I saw red flags. The compassion was keeping me attached. Yet, it's no longer their. When I actually think about it he treats me like Sh**! And the part that pisses me off (my fault) is that I passed up a really good guy to date this alcoholic. I become charmed by his sweet words of telling me he was going to give me the best of what I deserve. Psst.. Shame on me for falling for that drunken line.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
The point I'm trying to make in my last comment is that "it's completely normal" to come to disagreements, like I said, it's what builds the relationship. In fact, it's completely healthy.
are you deriving this from personal experience? has the above paradigm proved TRUE in your past relationships? and have THEY been healthy? cuz if i'm not mistaken you have been thru a bit of a bad patch when it comes to that topic......
IMHO a relationship is BUILT ON trust, mutual respect, shared ideas and interests, spending quality time together, working side by side on projects, expressing opinions, common values morals and ethics. fighting/arguing is like laundry, it happens, and should be tended to as needed. but no argument i have ever had with a loved one BUILT or solidified our relationship, our bond. it's possible you have Love and Conflict mixed up a bit..........
are you deriving this from personal experience? has the above paradigm proved TRUE in your past relationships? and have THEY been healthy? cuz if i'm not mistaken you have been thru a bit of a bad patch when it comes to that topic......
IMHO a relationship is BUILT ON trust, mutual respect, shared ideas and interests, spending quality time together, working side by side on projects, expressing opinions, common values morals and ethics. fighting/arguing is like laundry, it happens, and should be tended to as needed. but no argument i have ever had with a loved one BUILT or solidified our relationship, our bond. it's possible you have Love and Conflict mixed up a bit..........
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Florida
Posts: 127
Anvil, what makes you think a relationship in general is perfect? Is their such a thing called a perfect relationship?? I think not. Fighting is part of any relationship. Their will never be a time were you have a relationship with someone and conflict doesn't arise. Let me elaborate. It's not how you fight that entitles the failure or success of a relationship. It's how you fight. Or how you end the fight. What's the purpose of the fight? Is it triva or with a purpose? Let me go back to my comment of mutual understanding and respect >>> example: two people in a relationship can choose how to handle their fight 1.) through character assassination (name calling and so on) or 2.) constructive way - talking it out, listening to one another and compromising <<<< this is what I meant about the relationship being build and establishing a mutual respect and understanding for one another. I'm not saying that "fighting" in a relationship is the only way to build mutual respect and understanding. Just saying that "fighting" in a relationship is NOT necessarily a bad thing.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
