donald1960

My wife is the adult child of an alcohlic. we both smoked pot our whole lives (now 43 and 44) It didnt surface as a major problem till a couple of years ago (in hindsight). We were having conflict/communication difficulties and the sex life was going down hill. After going to councilling on her own then quiting pot she didnt know if she wantedto be married anymore. I was angry and cushed. After 3 months of marraige councilling she had hired a lawyer and was all set to give up. I stopped smoking because I was affraid of the custody battle that would ensue if she pressed for divorce. I went to a few NA meetings and stayed clean for 2 months. She called off the lawyer and we went on a we marraige retreat program, Retouvaile. It was great. She recommited to me and our marraige. Things were progressing well however we were on 2 different paces. I was in a hurry to get back our sexual intimicy and was dumbfounded that she would not get her lawers retainer back. I had ben clean for 5 month at this point but the anxiety and depression of the lack of sex drove me to relapse. She started to complain right away. I didnt realize it but the pot made things worse anxiety wise. now I was obsessing over our intimacy issues and had forgotten all the progress we made. She would tell our councilar that i was chooseing pot over the marraige. I said that was a bas exuse for her own intimacy issues. My wife was also raped along with her 2 sisters as a child ( both sisters are/ were lesbians now) and physically abused by her mom. the dad was and is a fall down drunk. Well 4 months into our reconcuiliation and 6 weeks into my relaose she called it quits and has stated the divorce thing up. Lawer and all. I had to retain one last week. I've been a NA poster boy for 6 weeks. 45 meetings in 50 days and talk to sponsor 3 x a week. I am rushing my recovery as i am desperate to get well. I am doing it this time becouse I KNOW i am an addict - last time i didnt think so. I got her message and fear definetly brought me back to recovery. Nevertheless she is not letting up on the dovorce thing. She moved into attic. She wont talk about anything regarding our marraige. She gioves me next to no hope but has said only my actions could change our situation. regardless she wont do anything togeather with the kids. Even christenings and kids events we do seperately. This time she's evemn told the kids we are gonna get divorced. They are only 5 and 7 for God sake. She says where we are is where God wants us - I'm ok with that but I see it as focussing on ourselves.I dont think God is smiling ayt her divorce palns. We are an every sun church attending family. Now that and dinner and breakfeast durring the week is all we do. She may have been abstinent from smoking for close to a year but without working a program she is not recoverd by a long shot. She has been to a couple of Alanaoon meetings and I am praying that she gets something out of it that helps us stay togeayhr. I am deciding to love her daily but also am having a hard time giving her space that she wants. We were doing so damn well with our reconcilliation and I know I f***ed up but not giving me an ultimatum? no intervention? not one damn relape? She is projecting major negative **** on me and I am copeing as best I can We havent had sex in over a year now. I ask what her grounds foe divorce are as she has none in NY state. She's seeking a seperation that after a year would allow for a divorce. I will not give her one and have instructed my lawyer to delay and stall as long as possible. I will contest the divorce. I know that pot and conflict magement were the only blocks to our marraige (and her family of origin aint help'n either) I pray every day and this time am peacefull and without anger. I am compassionette and have empathy but also try to get her to reconsider. She says I cant chage her feelings..... I gotta just back off and let the guilt set in and let her see the progress the program is having on me. My emotions are leveling off and the clarity is back to arround 90%. I have certainly had the **** scared out of me enough. Will alaonn meetings help me and her. I told her I think its great her going. I told her that without working the steps although abstinent from pot for a year that she needs help. Please prayt for us, I will not quit on her. I will continue to love her regardless of getting nothing in return. I see it as we're nboth sick but at least I'm aware and in a program. We really were in love for 10 of our 12 years. I'm not holding onto a bad marraige and there is no 3rd party. God its hard to let go and let God but I have no other choice.

shutterbug

Goodness I'm so sorry to hear that. I don't really know what to say except that if she works the Al-anon program, that's definetly a good thing.

And I will pray for you both.

God bless,
Jenna

cwohio

donald - i am not an expert, but al-anon wouldn't hurt and may help - for you even if she won't go.

good luck and prayers to you - cwohio

Magichappens

Hi donald,
I focussed on fixing the things around me to make me happy for many years. It was a futile effort. The world and the people around me aren't going to do what I want them to. Al-Anon has taught me how to come to peace with the world as it is. It won't fix your wife. It can, however, help you to find serenity with yourself. I encourage you to try it. It won't hurt, and could possibly help you. Your wife will only benefit if she seeks help because she wants it, not because you want it for her. Good luck. Hugs, Magic