Waking up from aboriginal addict dreamtime
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Waking up from aboriginal addict dreamtime
What an ocean we could make if all our tears could be gathered. I'm still a little raw from my little un-characteristic meltdown. I'm just sitting here wondering if any of it was real. There were 2 people going to the same places, seeing the same things, in conversation, but separated by a wall of addiction. I want to believe that the "i love you" was real and the "I hate you"wasnt. I want to believe that the good times were the "real" guy under all of the madness and that the madman was just holding my good guy hostage. I saw so many glimmers of this shining light that I wanted to believe that was all there was. But I don't know what was real. Was I actually crying over someone I never actually met? Was I/am I mourining a relationship that only existed in MY mind?
The song that melted me was "My Immortal" by Evanescence.
One of the lines is:
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But, though you're still with me
I've been alone all along.
I've been alone this whole time. For a whole year. I was awake, but choose to live in his dream world. If I didn't have his belongings, I might be able to convince myself it never happened. Yet, it did. And I don't want to forget lest I repeat this mistake with someone else or he does return. I just have to learn keep it perspective.
The song that melted me was "My Immortal" by Evanescence.
One of the lines is:
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But, though you're still with me
I've been alone all along.
I've been alone this whole time. For a whole year. I was awake, but choose to live in his dream world. If I didn't have his belongings, I might be able to convince myself it never happened. Yet, it did. And I don't want to forget lest I repeat this mistake with someone else or he does return. I just have to learn keep it perspective.
I am sorry you are hurting right now. Perhaps reaching out to someone in your close support system, a sponsor or a very close friend? If you do Alanon perhaps just sitting (not sharing) in a meeting might help you a bit.
I could also suggest quietly reading thru any journals you have or possibly writing your feelings down on paper and then re-read them. I find it to be very therapeutic.
Hugs to you and take care.
I could also suggest quietly reading thru any journals you have or possibly writing your feelings down on paper and then re-read them. I find it to be very therapeutic.
Hugs to you and take care.
Ducky, I've heard it said here that what we are mourning is not the actual relationship and all its craziness; what we are mourning is the death of our dreams and hopes. This article explains it better than I ever could:
http://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/pd...ner-112011.pdf
http://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/pd...ner-112011.pdf
I hope you find something helpful to take with you.
http://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/pd...ner-112011.pdf
http://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/pd...ner-112011.pdf
I hope you find something helpful to take with you.
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