Check this out - he responded to my note
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Check this out - he responded to my note
Okay - so I've posted time and again how functional my AH is - totally functional, totally intune with the family, not abusive, etc. Well before Christmas I was putting away the dog towels - they are stored under the couch. Well the little "black bag" was there. I sighed and left it alone BUT went back and added a note that said "It's time to get help. If you think you "got this" you are lying to yourself, again...".
Okay - so that note was left BEFORE I came back to my program. I know I should have never left the note and I never went back to see if the bag was still there, etc.
Well today my youngest daughter is home sick so I decided to get us ahead of the game and do some laundry. Dog had a bath this weekend so his towels needed to be folded and put away. And what do you know...I found a note in place of the black bag!
My first reaction was "what kind of trash did the kids kick under here now", but then I saw his handwriting.
I would like to share the note:
Honey, I do not feel as thought I "got this". I have put it in Gods hands. I pray everyday. You asked of my New Year's Resolution: I plan to make it this. I can't say that I will be fine because I do not know. I do not feel as though I am lying to myself, rather I feel as though I am running from myself. I have gotten away from this before and I can do it again. I will!!
I can only say I am sorry that this hurts you and ask again for forgiveness. I love you and the kids. I cannot ask you to understand as I know you could not. I can only ask to please bare with me? Please.
Oddly enough I have been thinking that it was about time I apologize for all the nagging, pushing for recovery, begging, pleading, etc. Ugh - I am sick to think of all those times I felt desperate to save him, wasting all that energy when apparently he was doing his own thing. Last time we spoke about this was before the holidays and I told him he had to do this for himself, not for me or the kids and that I would not go back to the crazy life we had before the move. He agreed and moved on, but did I, Noooooo....my controlling self became obsessed with it, judging his every move, etc.
So fast forward a month now that I have tried to get back on track, tried to put this behind me. Why would I find this note now? Okay, I get it, this is my Higher Power saying "Shut it up Cat (nickname), mind your business, quit the nagging".
He has mentioned to me on numerous occasions that he is working his program. I have posted that he is not attending meetings and in my eyes that was not working his program. Someone (can't remember who) responded and said that just because he is not in a meeting does not mean he is not working his program. That was an eye opener for me.
I just have to wonder if my pushing and begging and pleading make him feel more guilt than he is already feeling. I mean if it were me I think I would. I really want to talk to him and apologize for being such a nag and so pushy. I will have to pray on this for a minute, so I can find my words.
Just a little speechless at the moment and if any of you knew me personally you would know that is next to impossible!
Okay - so that note was left BEFORE I came back to my program. I know I should have never left the note and I never went back to see if the bag was still there, etc.
Well today my youngest daughter is home sick so I decided to get us ahead of the game and do some laundry. Dog had a bath this weekend so his towels needed to be folded and put away. And what do you know...I found a note in place of the black bag!
My first reaction was "what kind of trash did the kids kick under here now", but then I saw his handwriting.
I would like to share the note:
Honey, I do not feel as thought I "got this". I have put it in Gods hands. I pray everyday. You asked of my New Year's Resolution: I plan to make it this. I can't say that I will be fine because I do not know. I do not feel as though I am lying to myself, rather I feel as though I am running from myself. I have gotten away from this before and I can do it again. I will!!
I can only say I am sorry that this hurts you and ask again for forgiveness. I love you and the kids. I cannot ask you to understand as I know you could not. I can only ask to please bare with me? Please.
Oddly enough I have been thinking that it was about time I apologize for all the nagging, pushing for recovery, begging, pleading, etc. Ugh - I am sick to think of all those times I felt desperate to save him, wasting all that energy when apparently he was doing his own thing. Last time we spoke about this was before the holidays and I told him he had to do this for himself, not for me or the kids and that I would not go back to the crazy life we had before the move. He agreed and moved on, but did I, Noooooo....my controlling self became obsessed with it, judging his every move, etc.
So fast forward a month now that I have tried to get back on track, tried to put this behind me. Why would I find this note now? Okay, I get it, this is my Higher Power saying "Shut it up Cat (nickname), mind your business, quit the nagging".
He has mentioned to me on numerous occasions that he is working his program. I have posted that he is not attending meetings and in my eyes that was not working his program. Someone (can't remember who) responded and said that just because he is not in a meeting does not mean he is not working his program. That was an eye opener for me.
I just have to wonder if my pushing and begging and pleading make him feel more guilt than he is already feeling. I mean if it were me I think I would. I really want to talk to him and apologize for being such a nag and so pushy. I will have to pray on this for a minute, so I can find my words.
Just a little speechless at the moment and if any of you knew me personally you would know that is next to impossible!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
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Hello,
It is difficult when their program is not as recognizable as heading off to AA meetings which is generally known and acceptable in our culture and especially here on SR. Mine continues to use pieces of AA but does not go to meetings.
I'd tuck a new supportive note in there. I think it is kind of sweet, trigger.
It is difficult when their program is not as recognizable as heading off to AA meetings which is generally known and acceptable in our culture and especially here on SR. Mine continues to use pieces of AA but does not go to meetings.
I'd tuck a new supportive note in there. I think it is kind of sweet, trigger.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Hi there KTT! Just wanna say that I can relate. My xabf was never abusive and was really good with my kids... and to me. He has recently resolved to tackle sobriety but doesn't feel comfortable with AA. Which is fine... I expect that he might eventually feel he needs it; he has yet to come to the conclusion that he is powerless and needs support. But that's another post. Lol
What I wanted to say is that while it is completely okay for your A to seek help in his own way, it will be more difficult for you to be able to "see" what he is up to since there won't be meetings or sponsors. I think because he didn't openly communicate his plan to you, the way you have behaved should be expected. Sure... you can feel bad for it, but I would be careful about apologies until he has some progress with his addiction or else you risk opening a can of worms. You could however ask how you can be supportive and then consider whether or not what is being asked is healthy for you.
Just my thoughts anyway....
What I wanted to say is that while it is completely okay for your A to seek help in his own way, it will be more difficult for you to be able to "see" what he is up to since there won't be meetings or sponsors. I think because he didn't openly communicate his plan to you, the way you have behaved should be expected. Sure... you can feel bad for it, but I would be careful about apologies until he has some progress with his addiction or else you risk opening a can of worms. You could however ask how you can be supportive and then consider whether or not what is being asked is healthy for you.
Just my thoughts anyway....
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
It's a good idea to let him seek his own way in recovery because it really is a solitary activity. As a recovering alcoholic (23 years) I know no one wants to go to AA, we go because we can't stay sober on our own. Some people can, I've heard, and good for them. It's a program for people who WANT it, not for people who NEED it.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr 
It's a good idea to let him seek his own way in recovery because it really is a solitary activity. As a recovering alcoholic (23 years) I know no one wants to go to AA, we go because we can't stay sober on our own. Some people can, I've heard, and good for them. It's a program for people who WANT it, not for people who NEED it.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
I work my own sobriety / recovery outside of any meeting-type program.
It is work, and you can't just not drink.
If he truly is getting it, it should be there in actions and attitude.
People all the time say on this list that you can "see" if someone really
is working their recovery, and I think that is true whether you use
a traditional 12 step program like AA, or something else.
It is work, and you can't just not drink.
If he truly is getting it, it should be there in actions and attitude.
People all the time say on this list that you can "see" if someone really
is working their recovery, and I think that is true whether you use
a traditional 12 step program like AA, or something else.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Thank you Hawkeye - His attitude is more positive as of late or it could be that mine is not so negative. I am not getting too excited - just going to work my program and keep on keeping on.
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
I work my own sobriety / recovery outside of any meeting-type program.
It is work, and you can't just not drink.
If he truly is getting it, it should be there in actions and attitude.
People all the time say on this list that you can "see" if someone really
is working their recovery, and I think that is true whether you use
a traditional 12 step program like AA, or something else.
It is work, and you can't just not drink.
If he truly is getting it, it should be there in actions and attitude.
People all the time say on this list that you can "see" if someone really
is working their recovery, and I think that is true whether you use
a traditional 12 step program like AA, or something else.
I reflect back to the first time he started to spiral out of control and I see where we are now - there has been a lot of growth on both parts - but we still have a road ahead of us.
The last 10 years I have seen a change in him. The person he was before we moved was lost, confused, arrogant, selfish, suffering. At the moment he is very much intune with our little family, very supportive. So yeah, perhaps he has humbled a little more than I first thought.
So thanks again for helping me reflect on our past to see where we really are at the present.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Posts: 865
Originally Posted by CodeJob
I'd tuck a new supportive note in there. I think it is kind of sweet, trigger.
HMA - thank you for this as well....You could however ask how you can be supportive and then consider whether or not what is being asked is healthy for you.
His birthday is Saturday - I will tuck my supportive note in there and leave if for him to read privately!
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