My own tiny sign of recovery (yay!)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
My own tiny sign of recovery (yay!)
So, I went to another Al-Anon meeting this afternoon.
Basically all I've been able to do this week (first week of AH being in a full-day outpatient program) is sleep, watch Netflix, pet my cat, and go to meetings.
I've been really depressed and just unwinding from all the exhaustion leading up to now, I think.
This afternoon I went to another meeting -- one that I really like. I stopped by my place on the way home to bring my Al-Anon materials into the house and onto a bookshelf in my room which felt like an acknowledgment that this program and my recovery are really important to me.
And then!
I got in the car to go pick my husband up from his program...and I found myself SINGING IN THE CAR ALONG WITH LADY GAGA!
It wasn't until the song was almost over that I realized what I was doing, but then I was so happy for myself!
I've been driving around town for weeks now listening to the radio without singing. Just kind of dwelling in my "stuff" and trying to use the radio as a distraction...
But today, to find myself singing to "Papparazzi" and loving it...I felt like myself again and it was such a relief.
So then I looked for another song I could sing to. I found one.
Then I got to the parking lot and fixed my iTunes to a song that I really love. I turned it way up and just closed my eyes, leaned back in the seat and sung it while I waited for him to get in the car.
It was like LIFE AGAIN!
I said Hi to him when he got in the car, but then I kept the song on and kept singing (turned down a little bit)...then put another iTunes song and sang some more on the way home.
La la la...
These little moments this afternoon have meant so much to me.
Oh, the simple (and sane!) joy of SINGING in the car!
Basically all I've been able to do this week (first week of AH being in a full-day outpatient program) is sleep, watch Netflix, pet my cat, and go to meetings.
I've been really depressed and just unwinding from all the exhaustion leading up to now, I think.
This afternoon I went to another meeting -- one that I really like. I stopped by my place on the way home to bring my Al-Anon materials into the house and onto a bookshelf in my room which felt like an acknowledgment that this program and my recovery are really important to me.
And then!
I got in the car to go pick my husband up from his program...and I found myself SINGING IN THE CAR ALONG WITH LADY GAGA!
It wasn't until the song was almost over that I realized what I was doing, but then I was so happy for myself!
I've been driving around town for weeks now listening to the radio without singing. Just kind of dwelling in my "stuff" and trying to use the radio as a distraction...
But today, to find myself singing to "Papparazzi" and loving it...I felt like myself again and it was such a relief.
So then I looked for another song I could sing to. I found one.
Then I got to the parking lot and fixed my iTunes to a song that I really love. I turned it way up and just closed my eyes, leaned back in the seat and sung it while I waited for him to get in the car.
It was like LIFE AGAIN!
I said Hi to him when he got in the car, but then I kept the song on and kept singing (turned down a little bit)...then put another iTunes song and sang some more on the way home.
La la la...
These little moments this afternoon have meant so much to me.
Oh, the simple (and sane!) joy of SINGING in the car!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
I love it when that happens. I had a day this week where, I just didn't give a damn, ya know? I was HAPPY and NO ONE was taking that away from me!
My T has made it a point to tell me- "ya know, free, I'm happy most of the time. I look oddly at times when I'm NOT happy".....and here I am all excited about a happy day.
Her point of course was to show me that IT IS POSSIBLE TO BE HAPPY A MAJORITY OF THE TIME!!!! she also throws safety at me and how she feels safe 100% of the time. Wow- what a world, what a world!
I'm glad for you girlie- I look forward to those days for myself again.
My T has made it a point to tell me- "ya know, free, I'm happy most of the time. I look oddly at times when I'm NOT happy".....and here I am all excited about a happy day.
Her point of course was to show me that IT IS POSSIBLE TO BE HAPPY A MAJORITY OF THE TIME!!!! she also throws safety at me and how she feels safe 100% of the time. Wow- what a world, what a world!
I'm glad for you girlie- I look forward to those days for myself again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 430
Thanks, everyone!
More wins here...
1. Didn't cry at today's meeting (first time in the 6 meetings I've been to since Xmas)
2. Actually smiled and laughed and shared my singing in the car story of hope at the meeting!
3. Got new tires for my car without consulting with my husband -- because for my own serenity I didn't want to have him giving me advice about what he thought was best. I acted on my own behalf and educated myself with the guys at the store and it was great!
4. Had an insight about HOPE: I'd been hearing people talk about hope and each time I heard it I would think about hoping that my husband would feel better -- hoping that he would stick with the program -- hoping he's paying attention at this outpatient thing. While I wanted that, I realized today that my hoping those things for him was not helping ME! It was just getting me more attached to a future that I can't control.
SO!
My new relationship with hope has to do with how there's HOPE for ME! Hope for me to enjoy more serenity. Hope for me to feel good and calm and happy. Hope for me to take care of myself.
Instead of spending time hoping things for him, I'm going to guide my attention to hold that higher vision for myself! And then I'm going to take steps toward my hopes and dreams for myself in my own recovery.
Hoping for him was making me exhausted.
Hoping for ME makes me feel excited and more alive.
I can feel better and I'm going to do what I can to help it happen!
Thanks again for celebrating in these little wins for me. They're little, but at the same time, they're BIG!
More wins here...
1. Didn't cry at today's meeting (first time in the 6 meetings I've been to since Xmas)
2. Actually smiled and laughed and shared my singing in the car story of hope at the meeting!
3. Got new tires for my car without consulting with my husband -- because for my own serenity I didn't want to have him giving me advice about what he thought was best. I acted on my own behalf and educated myself with the guys at the store and it was great!
4. Had an insight about HOPE: I'd been hearing people talk about hope and each time I heard it I would think about hoping that my husband would feel better -- hoping that he would stick with the program -- hoping he's paying attention at this outpatient thing. While I wanted that, I realized today that my hoping those things for him was not helping ME! It was just getting me more attached to a future that I can't control.
SO!
My new relationship with hope has to do with how there's HOPE for ME! Hope for me to enjoy more serenity. Hope for me to feel good and calm and happy. Hope for me to take care of myself.
Instead of spending time hoping things for him, I'm going to guide my attention to hold that higher vision for myself! And then I'm going to take steps toward my hopes and dreams for myself in my own recovery.
Hoping for him was making me exhausted.
Hoping for ME makes me feel excited and more alive.
I can feel better and I'm going to do what I can to help it happen!
Thanks again for celebrating in these little wins for me. They're little, but at the same time, they're BIG!
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