He relasped
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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He relasped
Wow- I have been dreading writing this post from right when AH went into treatment. But I think somehow we all knew it was coming. He was never really IN treatment. He was just going through the motions I guess. Or whatever it was, it was none of my business.
How sad. I mean really, for him.
I didn't even know until I went into the bedroom to smoke a cigarette (another mal-adaptive behavior, but one thing at a time right?) He was on the bed and swaying slightly. I just asked him, and he admitted freely.
I just silently smoked and said- "I feel sad for you" as I left. And that was the honest truth. At that moment, I was filled with a terrible sadness of what this disease does to perfectly wonderful human beings. But I can't control that, can I? So I just walked out.
I knew that he was using ME as his scapegoat...I mean if you look back from the WEEKEND threads, it was silent treatment, being very passive aggressive, and when that didn't work, he had to go into full blown attack mode to get his reason. So...I think we all saw this coming right?
I mean I did.
He was never really working the steps....three AA meetings since rehab, are you ******* kidding me?
It was weird, but as I left the room, I went to the bathroom just in case I lost composure; and a memory just flashed back to me-
a memory of a young 9 year old boy walking the family dog with his mother and two older sisters...and I remember that little boy bursting into tears because he missed his dad. But his dad left for ALCOHOL treatment RIGHT before Christmas. I remember how heart-broken I was for my son that night and I realized the toll that this was taking on him. It was worth the sacrifice at that time.
I'm not sure I am willing to sacrifice my children's childhoods anymore. This is the ONLY one they have. They always say that kids are resilient and bounce right back. It always makes me sooo mad when I hear that, because it's just a damn excuse adults use when they eff their lives up.
I'm sad that he relapsed, but it doesn't change anything. You know? Maybe that's the saddest part of it all.
How sad. I mean really, for him.
I didn't even know until I went into the bedroom to smoke a cigarette (another mal-adaptive behavior, but one thing at a time right?) He was on the bed and swaying slightly. I just asked him, and he admitted freely.
I just silently smoked and said- "I feel sad for you" as I left. And that was the honest truth. At that moment, I was filled with a terrible sadness of what this disease does to perfectly wonderful human beings. But I can't control that, can I? So I just walked out.
I knew that he was using ME as his scapegoat...I mean if you look back from the WEEKEND threads, it was silent treatment, being very passive aggressive, and when that didn't work, he had to go into full blown attack mode to get his reason. So...I think we all saw this coming right?
I mean I did.
He was never really working the steps....three AA meetings since rehab, are you ******* kidding me?
It was weird, but as I left the room, I went to the bathroom just in case I lost composure; and a memory just flashed back to me-
a memory of a young 9 year old boy walking the family dog with his mother and two older sisters...and I remember that little boy bursting into tears because he missed his dad. But his dad left for ALCOHOL treatment RIGHT before Christmas. I remember how heart-broken I was for my son that night and I realized the toll that this was taking on him. It was worth the sacrifice at that time.
I'm not sure I am willing to sacrifice my children's childhoods anymore. This is the ONLY one they have. They always say that kids are resilient and bounce right back. It always makes me sooo mad when I hear that, because it's just a damn excuse adults use when they eff their lives up.
I'm sad that he relapsed, but it doesn't change anything. You know? Maybe that's the saddest part of it all.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
I'm so sorry FTS; even thought you saw it coming, it's still a blow. Are you thinking of separating? I wasn't sure if this was what you were saying in your post.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by freetosmile 
Yeah, I really am. Just can't keep it up and continue to learn to love myself at the same time. Something's gotta give.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Central Florida
Posts: 976
My heart is heavy for you Free. I know how bad it feels. Even when you think you're fully prepared for it, it still just sucks.
I'll be thinking of you and your family and hope you can find some peace.
I'll be thinking of you and your family and hope you can find some peace.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Kids are resilient, yes. But that resiliency gets slowly beaten down in the same way an abused spouse gets beaten down by their partner. Eventually it starts to become normalized and the kids adapt to the way things are. But you can stop it. You can save those children and set them back on the right path. And they will recover, so long as you keep doing the next right thing for them. I had to figure all of this stuff out as an adult much like you are doing. And it sucks, doesn't it? We can stop the cycle for our kids.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
I had a feeling when I read your other post. I'm so sorry Free. We want it so badly for them, but seems the majority never want it for themselves.
I've read many relapse posts since I've started here, but for some reason yours really got me right in the heart. I think it's because I can 'hear' the familiar feeling of loss of hope for him in your words.
I remember that feeling so very well from just a few short months ago. It's like it finally hit me that there was absolutely not a thing I could do to change the course and at the end of that tremendously long fight for someone else's life, the harsh reality that I could go no further hit. Hope left. For him and for our relationship, not for myself, but still, it's hard.
I wish I could reach through the screen and hug you and your kids. This disease has to be one of the most hideous diseases out there. Sigh.
I've read many relapse posts since I've started here, but for some reason yours really got me right in the heart. I think it's because I can 'hear' the familiar feeling of loss of hope for him in your words.
I remember that feeling so very well from just a few short months ago. It's like it finally hit me that there was absolutely not a thing I could do to change the course and at the end of that tremendously long fight for someone else's life, the harsh reality that I could go no further hit. Hope left. For him and for our relationship, not for myself, but still, it's hard.
I wish I could reach through the screen and hug you and your kids. This disease has to be one of the most hideous diseases out there. Sigh.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Free,
I'm so sorry you, your son and your husband are going through this.
Although relapse doesn't always happen, it's often a normal part of addiction. For my husband and I, getting sober and 2 rounds of 4 wk inpatient rehab last year gave us a breather and much more awareness of how unhealthy things had become for each of us and our relationship.
Dandylion (and others) often encourage at least a year living apart in order to have time working our own recovery programs. Very wise words.
We haven't done that, but it seems like it's probably harder to work at recovery with our entwined dynamics.
Beyond Addiction, How Science and Kindness Help People Change was an important book for me, and family week at the rehabs... but much more so has been Alanon, getting a sponsor, mindfulness, meditation and learning how to be at peace within myself. To let go, to let myself not be strong, to let God.
Thoughts and prayers are with you.
ktf
I'm so sorry you, your son and your husband are going through this.
Although relapse doesn't always happen, it's often a normal part of addiction. For my husband and I, getting sober and 2 rounds of 4 wk inpatient rehab last year gave us a breather and much more awareness of how unhealthy things had become for each of us and our relationship.
Dandylion (and others) often encourage at least a year living apart in order to have time working our own recovery programs. Very wise words.
We haven't done that, but it seems like it's probably harder to work at recovery with our entwined dynamics.
Beyond Addiction, How Science and Kindness Help People Change was an important book for me, and family week at the rehabs... but much more so has been Alanon, getting a sponsor, mindfulness, meditation and learning how to be at peace within myself. To let go, to let myself not be strong, to let God.
Thoughts and prayers are with you.
ktf
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
I'm sorry FtS. I know you saw it coming but I can imagine that when it does it really is a punch to the guts.
You do what is right for you & the kids.
RAH and I spent a whole 2 hours with our addictions therapist talking about what to do if RAH relapses this week.
RAH is very committed but the reality is that relapse IS a part of recovery for many people, and in fact she said in her 20+ years of experience it is rare that recovery doesnt involve some sort of lapse or relapse.
She said its what happens next that is important. What's the A's attitide, preparedness to work through the reasons for relapse, whats the prevention plan etc etc. What ACTIONS does the A take post lapse or post relapse.
But she was also very supportive of the fact that I have a CHOICE to ride that journey or not...and that I must respect my own boundaries there.
Bets of luck with your dcision making over the coming days. Thinking of you and the kids.
You do what is right for you & the kids.
RAH and I spent a whole 2 hours with our addictions therapist talking about what to do if RAH relapses this week.
RAH is very committed but the reality is that relapse IS a part of recovery for many people, and in fact she said in her 20+ years of experience it is rare that recovery doesnt involve some sort of lapse or relapse.
She said its what happens next that is important. What's the A's attitide, preparedness to work through the reasons for relapse, whats the prevention plan etc etc. What ACTIONS does the A take post lapse or post relapse.
But she was also very supportive of the fact that I have a CHOICE to ride that journey or not...and that I must respect my own boundaries there.
Bets of luck with your dcision making over the coming days. Thinking of you and the kids.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
I just wanted to add that I was not posting this to encourage you to stay (or go). That decision of course needs to centre on what you and your kids need & want out of life.
I just wanted to remind you that although we'd all love our RA's to be in that small minority that stop and never pick up another drink again, that the reality for the majority of A's is some way away from our ideal.
Can I ask, whilst your AH was in rehab - did they ever discuss a dual diagnosis with you?
I just wanted to remind you that although we'd all love our RA's to be in that small minority that stop and never pick up another drink again, that the reality for the majority of A's is some way away from our ideal.
Can I ask, whilst your AH was in rehab - did they ever discuss a dual diagnosis with you?
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
The targeted, hateful texts to me are almost a bigger problem than the relapse.
His underlying abuse issues are still very much intact, aren't they?
I also have to agree with you about the "only one childhood" statement.
His underlying abuse issues are still very much intact, aren't they?
I also have to agree with you about the "only one childhood" statement.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Well not only did he relapse, but he just got done really verbally coming after me. Called me a whole bunch of really nasty names. So he's back to abusing and was angry because I wouldn't have sex with him tonight. And that was AFTER he called me a sl!t.
oh what a night. I saw it coming though.
thanks for everything you guys. I feel exhausted.
night
oh what a night. I saw it coming though.
thanks for everything you guys. I feel exhausted.
night
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Take care of yourself, hon. You have a corner full of supporters who will do whatever we can to help you sort this out. You are important. You are valuable. You deserve to be loved and to love someone who values you at your very core. Don't ever forget that.
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