TerpGal

So I called my mom today about the possibility of moving into my currently unoccupied childhood home. And finally the whole truth came out. My dad was in the room when we were talking and he wanted to know if there was any violence. I couldn't lie. I told her the truth. I told her everything. I never wanted my parents to know this. Partly because I was ashamed and partly because I didn't want there to be problems between them and RAH. They weren't exactly on good terms before. I didn't hear my dad's reaction, but I will when I go over there Sunday to talk details. And my mother........only mothers can send you on such a guilt trip. "why are you just telling us this now? Why wouldn't you come to us?". Ugh. So humbling and humiliating. And to add a wrench in the mix.........the house isn't furnished. There isn't even a bed for me to sleep in. They have been renovating and just finished painting and the lighting in the bedrooms and now they are going to refinish the floors. I don't know when it will be in any kind of condition to live in.

Pray for me, please. That all goes well on Sunday and I can go back home. Every night for the last many years I have prayed that I would wake up in my own bed in that house. Just be able to go home.

Seren

Oh, TerpGal....I think I would probably wonder the same thing and maybe even say the same thing in your mother's place. I don't think she meant to make you feel guilty at all. It probably just breaks her heart that you suffered so long in silence and that she could not have provided you with support any sooner.

I hope that things will work out for you to live in your childhood home for a while. I hope that being on your own will bring you much-needed peace!

Katchie

Well, at least the truth is out there and you will have the support you need and deserve. It took me a very long time to tell my dad and step mom, but I'm so glad that I did.

I too have dreamed of living in my childhood home that was my g'mothers. It needs a lot of work too but I look forward to it. Can you live in your place while you fix it up? And, I don't have furniture either, but its just about to be garage sale season! You can find some pretty awesome stuff in garage/estate sales. When we bought a vacation home I furnished it with garage sale items - it was perfect and comfy. Try to find something that could be fun about it; maybe your mom would like to hunt with you.

hopeful4

Terp, I know it hurts, but I am glad you opened up about this. Hiding it is toxic to YOU. Just let them know that it's hard to talk about.

Can you move in w/them at all while they finish the house? It sounds like they are in the home run with renovations, if they have done paint and lighting. Can they maybe hold off on the floors for a while?

Some of the furniture in my house belonged to my X. To tide us over, I bought some used stuff for cheap. Replaced it when I could, some I kept (I found some nice stuff). It was actually pretty fun finding the stuff.

Hugs my friend. Remember, breathe.....

lizatola

I know that feeling but it will pass. I do hope that you have some relief soon and realize that your mom probably was just sad that she didn't know sooner so that she could help you sooner.

Hang in there! As for the furniture, I'm moving out and not taking much with me. I found a lot of stuff on FB pages called swip swap and I just checked my local area. I found a coffee table for $20, a nightstand for $10, a complete bathroom decor set for $20, etc. I just would browse the pages every so often.

It's amazing what people will practically give away! I'm scared out of my mind right now, too, but I know that things will work out for you today and tomorrow, just by taking it one day at a time!

TerpGal

Thanks for the thoughts all. The floor person is coming on Thursday apparently. The furniture that is in the house is all in the living room. Mom says it will be a few weeks before they move stuff back. It might work out. It will probably be at least a few weeks before my work is able to change my direct deposit into my new account. I hope my dad is ok with this. The house is paid off. He is paying the utilities there. I offered to pay the ultilities and the property taxes (which spaced over a year would be far less than any rent). It would take some financial burden off his back.

FireSprite

No matter how badly it hurts right now, you've done such an amazing thing in reaching out for help.... when I finally got to that point, it wasn't long before that initial pain turned to relief. It really helped me to set myself free of all the secret keeping. ((((hugs))))

freetosmile

Just an idea, I don't know if anyone else mentioned it because I didn't get to read everyone else's...I gotta go measure my back yard-

But maybe you could help them finish up with the house? It would certainly keep you busy when your not at work and probably help them too. Or did they hire someone to do it?

I don't know, just a thought. You are in my prayers.

hugs

ShootingStar1

I suspect your mother was really upbraiding herself for not knowing or asking and now learning how terrible this has been for you. No reason for anyone to be on a guilt trip. Other people don't really get it when they learn the conditions you've been living under. But we who stay have been somewhat brainwashed, and didn't get it ourselves. It is like the lobster put in the cold pot of water who doesn't realize it is dying until the water boils. We can't tell anyone because until we reach a point where we just can't bear it again, we are in denial about what is happening to us. I think that's pretty common. When I told my grown kids, they said "why didn't you tell us before?" and they meant they were so sorry that I had been living in such pain and wanted to help.

When I ran away from my husband, I rented an unfurnished apartment a week later. All I had was an air mattress, a picnic basket and bedding and towels borrowed from my son and daughter-in-law, and two folding lawn chairs and a folding table. I bought a tea kettle and a pot.

I was in heaven with the relief of being on my own.

You can do this!

ShootingStar1

Justincredible

You will be in our thoughts and prayers Terpgal.

Stay strong and stay positive.

lillamy

Babe, it's OK. It's not guilt they're laying on you, it's guilt they're laying on themselves for not having seen that you've been unhappy. Trust me. I went through it with my parents.

And let me tell you my story -- when I left AXH, I had the clothes on my back and a car. My friends and coworkers donated everything from kitchen gadgets to chests of drawers. The only thing I bought was a mattress for my own bed. Beds for the kids, kitchen table and chairs, bookcases... it's amazing what people have in their garages and sheds!

Lots of hugs. You can fulfill that dream, you know. You can.

Santa

I don't even know you and I'm proud of you. You took the time you needed to start to figure things out. You told people to back off when you got advice you were not ready to act on, you've gotten organized, and you've done something so hard - ask people outside the relationship for help. You are on your way to a better life.

LexieCat

Prayers, good wishes/vibes/thoughts on the way.

I agree with the others--I don't think your mom was trying to "guilt" you so much as she was just expressing dismay that her child was in so much pain and she didn't know it so she could offer support and help. I'm sure she was shocked, as you would be if you learned your mother was terribly ill or suffered some other calamity but hadn't told you because she was trying to protect you. You wouldn't "guilt" her, but you'd probably say something similar to what she did.

I'm very glad you are making this move. It's amazing how much relief we can get just making a decision (even if it's an interim decision) and taking some action for our own well-being.

Hugs,

cookiesncream

(((hugs))) I've lived through guilt trips and still do so I feel for you. If its any consolation though having lived through many home renovations so long is there is one room you can live in, plus working plumbing, once those floors are done you can live through the rest of the mess even if it isn't pleasant.

LexieCat

Hey, and if worse comes to worse, I have a smelly basement you can stay in, if you don't mind the occasional sewer flood.