No Detaching!!!
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No Detaching!!!
After many posts and much reading, I have come to think about what detaching did for me in bad relationships as something really negative.
I have been a master at detaching from my partners' behaviors to the point that things did not brother me the way they should have. I guess detaching doesn't mean "don't feel", but I think that's where I took it. Unable to feel, gauge, or have an opinion about the bad behavior.... even justifying it because I understood it. I understood more about them than myself even.
So for me, detaching went awry. I have to come from the other side of this if I want to seek healthier relationships. I have to be fully present. I have never been able to think on my feet and make good quick solid decisions because I felt impulsive if I did. Now I think, maybe I should allow myself to feel and be impulsive without the worry of what others think.... tired of hearing others voices ramble in my ear over my own thoughts because I was was taught somewhere along the line that my opinions were not valuable....
Crazy the stuff I am realizing as of late! Yay!
I have been a master at detaching from my partners' behaviors to the point that things did not brother me the way they should have. I guess detaching doesn't mean "don't feel", but I think that's where I took it. Unable to feel, gauge, or have an opinion about the bad behavior.... even justifying it because I understood it. I understood more about them than myself even.
So for me, detaching went awry. I have to come from the other side of this if I want to seek healthier relationships. I have to be fully present. I have never been able to think on my feet and make good quick solid decisions because I felt impulsive if I did. Now I think, maybe I should allow myself to feel and be impulsive without the worry of what others think.... tired of hearing others voices ramble in my ear over my own thoughts because I was was taught somewhere along the line that my opinions were not valuable....
Crazy the stuff I am realizing as of late! Yay!
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Good stuff right here. In fact I saw you read a previous post. Dandy had some GREAT views on detaching.
I really am trying to make SURE I feel the emotions associated with the hurt, anger, rejection, etc. I come HERE to get validation and THEN I move to detach. I HAVE to get that validation first and NOT from RAH. I reflect on it. Then I move on.
That is me personally. Some people don't need all that validation. They can learn to identify and validate themselves. Me, I'm not that far into my recovery.
Please allow yourself to feel. I agree that sometimes we detach so much that things that SHOULD bother us, don't. I was also told that I was sooo used to the dysfunction that I didn't realize HOW dysfunctional it was, which is why it didn't bother me so much.
You are doing a remarkable job. I have been watching you and am sooo impressed with your insight!
Keep it up! I enjoy you being here with us, with me.
HUGS!!!!
ps- just realized you didn't read the thread on Snowed in with my AH.....that's where dandy made some really good detachment pointers on there..check it out, I'll think you will benefit immensely!
I really am trying to make SURE I feel the emotions associated with the hurt, anger, rejection, etc. I come HERE to get validation and THEN I move to detach. I HAVE to get that validation first and NOT from RAH. I reflect on it. Then I move on.
That is me personally. Some people don't need all that validation. They can learn to identify and validate themselves. Me, I'm not that far into my recovery.
Please allow yourself to feel. I agree that sometimes we detach so much that things that SHOULD bother us, don't. I was also told that I was sooo used to the dysfunction that I didn't realize HOW dysfunctional it was, which is why it didn't bother me so much.
You are doing a remarkable job. I have been watching you and am sooo impressed with your insight!
Keep it up! I enjoy you being here with us, with me.
HUGS!!!!
ps- just realized you didn't read the thread on Snowed in with my AH.....that's where dandy made some really good detachment pointers on there..check it out, I'll think you will benefit immensely!
Last edited by freetosmile; 01-24-2015 at 11:08 AM. Reason: correction
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I think what may have been happening to you is not detaching but disassociating. Detaching is not about disengagement but allowing others to experience whatever they need to experience whether good or bad without inserting yourself into it by trying to control or manipulating the outcome. Disassociating on the other hand you are mentally/emotionally shutting down
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Originally Posted by happybeingme 
I think what may have been happening to you is not detaching but disassociating. Detaching is not about disengagement but allowing others to experience whatever they need to experience whether good or bad without inserting yourself into it by trying to control or manipulating the outcome. Disassociating on the other hand you are mentally/emotionally shutting down
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Right! I thought maybe I had it a little confused in my mind. And thank you FTS! That feels good to hear!
And I think you're right about being used to the dysfunction. I think that probably comes from not having good examples to look up to. My mom and real dad were awful together. He is still a heavy whiskey drinking alcoholic to this day; I don't speak to him anymore.... Then my mom got with my step dad who was a highly functioning alcoholic who was NEVER abusive... And they were so damn in love and perfect together. But he passed away two years ago from liver cancer, and now, in order to deal with the pain of the loss my mom has been drinking nightly! She is having memory trouble and tends to blame me for things and totally expects me to do waaaaay more than I should. I live with her. I love her terribly, but I realize now that I need to slowly work my way out of here with my two daughters because it is just unhealthy. Not really sure she is an alcoholic (old age adds to the memory loss), but it is alcohol abuse nonetheless, and yes, it triggers my codie behavior.
Where do we turn for better examples of how healthy people act and fall in love? It's certainly not The Notebook or Sex and the City! ;-) Lol
And I think you're right about being used to the dysfunction. I think that probably comes from not having good examples to look up to. My mom and real dad were awful together. He is still a heavy whiskey drinking alcoholic to this day; I don't speak to him anymore.... Then my mom got with my step dad who was a highly functioning alcoholic who was NEVER abusive... And they were so damn in love and perfect together. But he passed away two years ago from liver cancer, and now, in order to deal with the pain of the loss my mom has been drinking nightly! She is having memory trouble and tends to blame me for things and totally expects me to do waaaaay more than I should. I live with her. I love her terribly, but I realize now that I need to slowly work my way out of here with my two daughters because it is just unhealthy. Not really sure she is an alcoholic (old age adds to the memory loss), but it is alcohol abuse nonetheless, and yes, it triggers my codie behavior.
Where do we turn for better examples of how healthy people act and fall in love? It's certainly not The Notebook or Sex and the City! ;-) Lol
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