Snowed in with my AH
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Snowed in with my AH
I am in need of a pep talk from folks who have overcome the compulsion to control alcoholics' - or anyone's - behavior. 
Yesterday I celebrated 11 months sober. It's been a significant journey for me in mind, body, and spirit. I had a great day at work, received wonderful messages from the people who have been on this journey with me, and treated myself to something special after work. When I came home, my husband was drunk.
In sobriety I've made huge strides towards acceptance and realistic expectations. I had expected him to be drinking, and I didn't tell him that it was my 11 months sober because I felt it would be unsatisfying to coerce him to be sober last night when he wanted to drink. In fact I made plans to congratulate myself on my own.
Yet in spite of my hard work and planning, I felt disappointed. That codependent piece of my recovery isn't easy! For me, the codie piece has been just as insidious, just as cunning, baffling and powerful, as alcoholism. Im grateful for recovery because last night I talked myself out of mentioning to him that I was 11 months sober, or of expressing disappointment that he couldn't celebrate with me, that sobriety isn't important to him. Progress, not perfection.
Still, I'm struggling and could use some advice. Weekends had been a trigger for my codependent unhappiness, and while it's improved with increased acceptance and realistic expectations as time goes by, this morning I'm going to be snowed in with my AH. He was drunker than usual last night, reeks of old booze this morning, appears to have a residual buzz, and is denying any sort of hangover whatsoever.
I would love to hear what folks do when codie patterns of disappointment, anger, and disgust creep in. Thanks in advance.
Yesterday I celebrated 11 months sober. It's been a significant journey for me in mind, body, and spirit. I had a great day at work, received wonderful messages from the people who have been on this journey with me, and treated myself to something special after work. When I came home, my husband was drunk.
In sobriety I've made huge strides towards acceptance and realistic expectations. I had expected him to be drinking, and I didn't tell him that it was my 11 months sober because I felt it would be unsatisfying to coerce him to be sober last night when he wanted to drink. In fact I made plans to congratulate myself on my own.
Yet in spite of my hard work and planning, I felt disappointed. That codependent piece of my recovery isn't easy! For me, the codie piece has been just as insidious, just as cunning, baffling and powerful, as alcoholism. Im grateful for recovery because last night I talked myself out of mentioning to him that I was 11 months sober, or of expressing disappointment that he couldn't celebrate with me, that sobriety isn't important to him. Progress, not perfection.
Still, I'm struggling and could use some advice. Weekends had been a trigger for my codependent unhappiness, and while it's improved with increased acceptance and realistic expectations as time goes by, this morning I'm going to be snowed in with my AH. He was drunker than usual last night, reeks of old booze this morning, appears to have a residual buzz, and is denying any sort of hangover whatsoever.
I would love to hear what folks do when codie patterns of disappointment, anger, and disgust creep in. Thanks in advance.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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congrats on 11 months!! That is awesome, it truly is. Man, it sounds like you have climbed a fricking mountain staying sober with an A around!!!
what I do when those feeling creep in is, come to SR! I get some validation for my feelings, because I KNOW I need that. Then I reflect on the comments, I reflect on all that is good in MY life (not stuff including AH), and I just have to talk myself out of it. You just acknowledge your feelings, tell yourself it's OKAY to feel like that, pick yourself up, and detach SOMEHOW, ANYHOW.
it sucks, for sure....but do it for YOU! You are worth it and you deserve to have serenity.
hugs!
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 117
I bet there is something that you could do to get busy. Being stuck in a house isn't so bad if you can focus your mind on doing something. Tax time is coming around, why not organize the paperwork? My home office looks like a bomb hit, so that's where I'll be today.
It feels really satisfying to work on something I can actually fix, like a messy office.
What could you turn your attention on in your house?
It feels really satisfying to work on something I can actually fix, like a messy office.
What could you turn your attention on in your house?
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,867
(((glee)))); I don't have any advice.
Just wanted to let you know how infinitely proud I am of you.
I wish that I could plow through that snow and bring you a steaming cup of hot chocolate topped with marshmallows.
Just wanted to let you know how infinitely proud I am of you.
I wish that I could plow through that snow and bring you a steaming cup of hot chocolate topped with marshmallows.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Hi Glee,
Congrats on 11 months! It sounds like you have a good grip on what works for you, so take my comments with a grain of salt:
Acceptance of the realities around us is work nobody finishes - I was talking to a guy at my homegroup yesterday who has 30+ years and who always seems to have a balanced and humble outlook. He had just signed up for health insurance and was semi-ranting/semi joking about how much it was going to cost him. It was little like hearing Ghandi drop a F-bomb.
The situation is different with the people we love and live with. These are people that we cannot avoid without changing the relationship, and they reside in what hopefully is our sanctuary: home. IMO acceptance doesn't necessarily mean there is no discord, it means it doesn't affect us to the extent it previously did. When our home becomes a place of discord, it becomes harder to recharge physically and spiritually. Which fosters feelings of resentment. It sounds like this is where you are at regarding your husbands drinking.
I think Freetosmiles point is a good one: when you feel down, surround yourself with recovery wherever you can find it: music, SR, reading. Go for a walk in the snow - there is nothing quite like the hush that exists in the morning after a decent snowfall. And be grateful for the gift of another day: it doesn't have to be perfect to be a blessing.
Congrats on 11 months! It sounds like you have a good grip on what works for you, so take my comments with a grain of salt:
Acceptance of the realities around us is work nobody finishes - I was talking to a guy at my homegroup yesterday who has 30+ years and who always seems to have a balanced and humble outlook. He had just signed up for health insurance and was semi-ranting/semi joking about how much it was going to cost him. It was little like hearing Ghandi drop a F-bomb.
The situation is different with the people we love and live with. These are people that we cannot avoid without changing the relationship, and they reside in what hopefully is our sanctuary: home. IMO acceptance doesn't necessarily mean there is no discord, it means it doesn't affect us to the extent it previously did. When our home becomes a place of discord, it becomes harder to recharge physically and spiritually. Which fosters feelings of resentment. It sounds like this is where you are at regarding your husbands drinking.
I think Freetosmiles point is a good one: when you feel down, surround yourself with recovery wherever you can find it: music, SR, reading. Go for a walk in the snow - there is nothing quite like the hush that exists in the morning after a decent snowfall. And be grateful for the gift of another day: it doesn't have to be perfect to be a blessing.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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gleefan...I am all for detachment to protect ourselves from the actions of others.
Disappointment, anger and disgust are FEELINGS...and our feelings are always valid (for us).
Having these feelings does not make us "codie".
dandylion
Disappointment, anger and disgust are FEELINGS...and our feelings are always valid (for us).
Having these feelings does not make us "codie".
dandylion
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Thanks everyone! I love SR.
Dandelion - I greatly appreciate your advice that my feelings are valid. When I stopped drinking I realized that I had spent the better part of my marriage doing what my husband wanted at the expense of my own wishes and needs. Detaching from him, his moods, his demands, and his put downs, is a large part of my recovery. In recovery, I've become the partner who is demanding or outspoken - mainly with regard to his drinking.
On nights where I was especially drunk, he would leave "hate notes" for me the next morning, complaining about some behavior or another that he thought was inappropriate, from passing out while sitting at the kitchen table, or in the kids beds, or arguing about something. Last night he was especially drunk and I feel so, so resentful that I don't get to leave HIM at hate note. What are your thoughts on that?
Freetosmile - thank you for your encouragement. I appreciate your experience strength and hope. Sometimes I need the reminder that I've come far and I can do this.
SoberLeigh - Your sweet note put tears in my eyes. Good tears!
Hi scooter boo!
Resolute50 - A walk in the snow with your pup is a great idea, and made me think of all the ways I can make the most of a snow day in recovery.
EddieBuckle - Thanks for the reminder that recovery is an ongoing process.
Godismyrock - I shoveled the sidewalk and went to the garage to organize a few items I'm donating to charity. There are plenty of little jobs around the house to keep me busy today. Wonderful advice.
I feel like I can do this now, thanks to every one of you who took the time to offer their support. I appreciate it so much.
Dandelion - I greatly appreciate your advice that my feelings are valid. When I stopped drinking I realized that I had spent the better part of my marriage doing what my husband wanted at the expense of my own wishes and needs. Detaching from him, his moods, his demands, and his put downs, is a large part of my recovery. In recovery, I've become the partner who is demanding or outspoken - mainly with regard to his drinking.
On nights where I was especially drunk, he would leave "hate notes" for me the next morning, complaining about some behavior or another that he thought was inappropriate, from passing out while sitting at the kitchen table, or in the kids beds, or arguing about something. Last night he was especially drunk and I feel so, so resentful that I don't get to leave HIM at hate note. What are your thoughts on that?
Freetosmile - thank you for your encouragement. I appreciate your experience strength and hope. Sometimes I need the reminder that I've come far and I can do this.
SoberLeigh - Your sweet note put tears in my eyes. Good tears!
Hi scooter boo!
Resolute50 - A walk in the snow with your pup is a great idea, and made me think of all the ways I can make the most of a snow day in recovery.
EddieBuckle - Thanks for the reminder that recovery is an ongoing process.
Godismyrock - I shoveled the sidewalk and went to the garage to organize a few items I'm donating to charity. There are plenty of little jobs around the house to keep me busy today. Wonderful advice.
I feel like I can do this now, thanks to every one of you who took the time to offer their support. I appreciate it so much.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
gleefan....In response to your question....LOL! I completely get that you might have an impulse to want to return "eye for an eye"....we are human....
And, I agree with you that leaving the nasty note wouldn't do much more than make him even more resentful in the long run...accomplishing nothing useful.
I think that the point I was trying to emphasize is that detachment is a tool that can give us some breathing space from the actions of the other person....but, is not to detach us from our FEELINGS. In other words, don't stuff your feelings.
I think that some people get the idea that if they "detach" enough...that nothing will ever even "bother" them and that they can just accept EVERYTHING with a smile......thereby, able to hang on to the relationship.
It is impossible to FEEL nothing negative while living in close proximity and interdependence with addiction behaviors---lest we become robot-like.
Detachment is a great tool, and I certainly applaud your shoveling the sidewalk...etc.
But, it isn't the only tool. Like, one can't build a whole house with only a hammer.
I may be preaching to the choir....or overstating the obvious, here.
Just trying to make the one point. Not to try to accept the unacceptable.....
dandylion
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Location: New England, USA
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What you said about not accepting the unacceptable resonated with me. Thanks so much for helping me look at things from a different perspective.
I was ready to have a discussion with my husband about how his behavior makes me feel. He tried to tell me that I was wrong for feeling as I do... He subtly tried to gaslight me; he scoffed at me then insisted that I imagined it... He said that I'm "all or nothing" for wanting him to stop drinking in the house. (He's not having a couple of beers one day a week; he drinks to the point of becoming extremely intoxicated.) Today, I knew it is valid that I feel hurt that he has kept booze in the house and drank alcoholically for the whole duration of time that I've been trying to stop. It's time I stand my ground.
Thanks for giving me the boost of confidence to trust my feelings.
I was ready to have a discussion with my husband about how his behavior makes me feel. He tried to tell me that I was wrong for feeling as I do... He subtly tried to gaslight me; he scoffed at me then insisted that I imagined it... He said that I'm "all or nothing" for wanting him to stop drinking in the house. (He's not having a couple of beers one day a week; he drinks to the point of becoming extremely intoxicated.) Today, I knew it is valid that I feel hurt that he has kept booze in the house and drank alcoholically for the whole duration of time that I've been trying to stop. It's time I stand my ground.
Thanks for giving me the boost of confidence to trust my feelings.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Thanks, freetosmile! gleefan...I am glad to see you having some "lightbulb" moments. As you go forward, you will find that you have them more and m ore frequently.
Kind of like one of those 500 piece puzzles...where it falls into place a few at, at first, and then more and more as the picture begins to form.....
dandylion
Kind of like one of those 500 piece puzzles...where it falls into place a few at, at first, and then more and more as the picture begins to form.....
dandylion
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
if you do decide to talk to him about who you feel, make sure he is sober first, and then make sure to keep your statements to "I" statements....
it doesn't have to be a DIALOGUE, it can simply be a statement from you.
I am concerned about the state of our relationship. I am concerned that our now different views on drinking are no longer compatible. I am not comfortable living with someone who drinks and I am concerned that my preference for an alcohol free life may require me to make changes.
notice that the word YOU is never used.
in that way you OWN what you feel and think without directly accusing or blaming or pointing fingers at him. these aren't boundary statements, by the way......but do lay the ground work FOR them.
it doesn't have to be a DIALOGUE, it can simply be a statement from you.
I am concerned about the state of our relationship. I am concerned that our now different views on drinking are no longer compatible. I am not comfortable living with someone who drinks and I am concerned that my preference for an alcohol free life may require me to make changes.
notice that the word YOU is never used.
in that way you OWN what you feel and think without directly accusing or blaming or pointing fingers at him. these aren't boundary statements, by the way......but do lay the ground work FOR them.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Great advice here, and I just wanted to add my BIG CONGRATS for your 11 months! I think that compared with living with an active alcoholic (in terms of challenges in early sobriety), a little thing like a sewer backup is nuthin'.
Sounds to me like you're handling it all very well. And your resentments about his behavior when you were still drinking are understandable, but I think it's great that you recognize that they can be problematic. Glad you are working on that.
And Anvil's suggestion about the conversation is especially good.
Keep up the good work!
Sounds to me like you're handling it all very well. And your resentments about his behavior when you were still drinking are understandable, but I think it's great that you recognize that they can be problematic. Glad you are working on that.
And Anvil's suggestion about the conversation is especially good.
Keep up the good work!
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