The New Meg in the Making...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
The New Meg in the Making...
so.. I have decided to "end" my "whatever" with "the guy." Here are my reasons.
#1 - We are not on the same page. Not that I am looking, but since this guy unsuspectingly got tangled into my web, I would want someone that is not looking to invest. This guy is renting with the option to buy with me. One of the things I have learned here is that actions speak louder than words. His words say it's all good, whatever happens happens, but his actions say - marry me. I need someone I can toss out of my bed in the morning and be on my way (with the shape I am in.)
#2 - It was only October ish that I started to stabilize. It was only October that the psychotic melt downs stoppped, the dizzy spins of pure darkness and despair stopped. I was finally able to stand without fear of collapse. The first week of November is when this guy appeared. It was almost easy to think that I was "fine". And easy to lose perspective and realize - it was only a few weeks ago I was completely NOT fine. And I'm not fine now. I'm just stabilized.
#3 - Up until now, all I could think about was what the A did to me, and the wreckage he left. The pieces HE broke, the soul HE blackened. Although I have posted many times "what does this say about me - what does this mean to me" - I was not ready or able to realize the part I played. Denial, inexperience, pain, loss, terminal uniqueness whatever it is - I had no way to see it. With this guy, I did. What he would call (because he is enamored with me) honesty, independence and confident, I call arrogant disrespectul close minded and judgemental. This is how I treated my ex toward the last year or 2. Like a dog. I really did. I treated my A bad because he "wouldn't" let me leave or allow us to seperate (this is when I was trying to work with him as a team. I guess I was too naive to believe we could amicably split). So because I was stuck and trapped, I felt nothing but pure evil towards him. I had no respect for him. And I don't think I respected this guy. All I did was judge him (in my head).
I know for sure I was transferring this onto the guy. I could feel it, and it was also pointed out to me by my support system.
I think I am ready to delve into how my experience with the A has affected how I treat other people and how I percieve things and the world around me. I guess I am somewhat ready to consider taking responsiblity for my part in the demise. I am not ready to tell the A I am 'sorry' or make 'amends'. but I am ready to look in the mirror. Which brings me to..
#4 I cannot do any of that while pre-occupied with enamored guy. And I refuse to make him my guinea pig.
I can't grow this way.
I am already thinking of ways to spend my off weekends that are Meg centered. I have ordered two Alanon books and they will be here before my next off weekend. I want to make recipes and cook ahead for the week.
I have a "playroom" I want to reorganize and decorate. I have a few girlfriends I want and should catch up with.
That's all I can come up with for now.. but I am sure there are other things.. thanks for listening!
#1 - We are not on the same page. Not that I am looking, but since this guy unsuspectingly got tangled into my web, I would want someone that is not looking to invest. This guy is renting with the option to buy with me. One of the things I have learned here is that actions speak louder than words. His words say it's all good, whatever happens happens, but his actions say - marry me. I need someone I can toss out of my bed in the morning and be on my way (with the shape I am in.)
#2 - It was only October ish that I started to stabilize. It was only October that the psychotic melt downs stoppped, the dizzy spins of pure darkness and despair stopped. I was finally able to stand without fear of collapse. The first week of November is when this guy appeared. It was almost easy to think that I was "fine". And easy to lose perspective and realize - it was only a few weeks ago I was completely NOT fine. And I'm not fine now. I'm just stabilized.
#3 - Up until now, all I could think about was what the A did to me, and the wreckage he left. The pieces HE broke, the soul HE blackened. Although I have posted many times "what does this say about me - what does this mean to me" - I was not ready or able to realize the part I played. Denial, inexperience, pain, loss, terminal uniqueness whatever it is - I had no way to see it. With this guy, I did. What he would call (because he is enamored with me) honesty, independence and confident, I call arrogant disrespectul close minded and judgemental. This is how I treated my ex toward the last year or 2. Like a dog. I really did. I treated my A bad because he "wouldn't" let me leave or allow us to seperate (this is when I was trying to work with him as a team. I guess I was too naive to believe we could amicably split). So because I was stuck and trapped, I felt nothing but pure evil towards him. I had no respect for him. And I don't think I respected this guy. All I did was judge him (in my head).
I know for sure I was transferring this onto the guy. I could feel it, and it was also pointed out to me by my support system.
I think I am ready to delve into how my experience with the A has affected how I treat other people and how I percieve things and the world around me. I guess I am somewhat ready to consider taking responsiblity for my part in the demise. I am not ready to tell the A I am 'sorry' or make 'amends'. but I am ready to look in the mirror. Which brings me to..
#4 I cannot do any of that while pre-occupied with enamored guy. And I refuse to make him my guinea pig.
I can't grow this way.
I am already thinking of ways to spend my off weekends that are Meg centered. I have ordered two Alanon books and they will be here before my next off weekend. I want to make recipes and cook ahead for the week.
I have a "playroom" I want to reorganize and decorate. I have a few girlfriends I want and should catch up with.
That's all I can come up with for now.. but I am sure there are other things.. thanks for listening!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
I think working on yourself is a great idea
That said, I'm cutting and pasting the following post you wrote very recently:
"I text'd my ex last night and brought it up. I know. I shouldn't have. I opening the door..wide open.
He still loves me, he is so sorry, he knows the damage he has caused. He's still in therapy, he will never forgive himself, he's just trying not to dwell.
He wanted to know where "all of this" was coming from and I thought well, I'm not going to lie - so I said - I have been hanging around someone casually for a little while and it has caused me to go down memory lane and I was thinking about the begininng and how much I loved you etc.
I expected him to go OFF about me seeing someone. Insulting me, berating me, just going off the rails. He didn't. He was like a normal person.
He related to me, said he knows the feeling he had gone out a few times and nobody could measure up to me... he's a different person now - we should have just seperated, not divorced. blah blah blah.
Anyway, this is NOT good. I'm sure this is not what I'm "REALLY" feeling. Dear God please tell me this is some kind of "ism" and there is a cure for it.
one thing I have read on here is "feelings are not facts"
Why am I doing this to myself? My ex and I have exchanged some meaningful text messages today and I don't know if that is good or bad or what.
But it's not something I want to be even thinking about. I never thought I was going to question my decision or doubt myself about our potential to be a couple but I am now. And I don't want to. I never would, my family would KILL ME. "
My question to you here is does reopening / leaving the door open for you X have anything at all to do with this clearing of the decks of the new guy?
This is just something to consider--I'm saying you need to answer here, but the timing does seem a bit suspect. . .
That said, I'm cutting and pasting the following post you wrote very recently:
"I text'd my ex last night and brought it up. I know. I shouldn't have. I opening the door..wide open.
He still loves me, he is so sorry, he knows the damage he has caused. He's still in therapy, he will never forgive himself, he's just trying not to dwell.
He wanted to know where "all of this" was coming from and I thought well, I'm not going to lie - so I said - I have been hanging around someone casually for a little while and it has caused me to go down memory lane and I was thinking about the begininng and how much I loved you etc.
I expected him to go OFF about me seeing someone. Insulting me, berating me, just going off the rails. He didn't. He was like a normal person.
He related to me, said he knows the feeling he had gone out a few times and nobody could measure up to me... he's a different person now - we should have just seperated, not divorced. blah blah blah.
Anyway, this is NOT good. I'm sure this is not what I'm "REALLY" feeling. Dear God please tell me this is some kind of "ism" and there is a cure for it.
one thing I have read on here is "feelings are not facts"
Why am I doing this to myself? My ex and I have exchanged some meaningful text messages today and I don't know if that is good or bad or what.
But it's not something I want to be even thinking about. I never thought I was going to question my decision or doubt myself about our potential to be a couple but I am now. And I don't want to. I never would, my family would KILL ME. "
My question to you here is does reopening / leaving the door open for you X have anything at all to do with this clearing of the decks of the new guy?
This is just something to consider--I'm saying you need to answer here, but the timing does seem a bit suspect. . .
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Woooo! Yay! Focus some of your energy on yourself for awhile. 
When I was transitioning out of my marriage, I cleaned my house like a madwoman. I threw out SO MUCH STUFF, all of it necessary. I gave myself big weekend projects and just did them, inexperience be damned.
I threw a party at my house, which I'd never done before. It was nerve-wracking, but turned out to be surprisingly easy and really fun. I invited all my friends and their kids for a potluck. I was no nervous nobody would come, but it turns out everyone I invited came over, over 60 people. I spent almost nothing -- it was more work figuring out whose dishes went where after the fact. There were so many kids, it was hilarious. People said it was one of their favorite gatherings that year. That was really special to me.
I started exercising, fell in love with my bicycle. I saved up and bought a newer, nicer bike for myself also.
I started making movements to be 100% financially independent. I'm really close now. This was important for me because I had previously relied so heavily on my parents. I'm seeing a financial advisor soon to figure out the rest.
I focused on my kids and really tried to make inroads with my teenager to repair some of the damage over the course of my marriage. We have a pretty good relationship -- I love that kid dearly. I let loose with my daughter too. I'm not as rigid as I was before.
I made a point to make new friends. I had a couple of friends who were really connected in the community, and I asked to tag along to things. I went to galleries, city council meetings, group bike rides, parties, meet-ups and tweet-ups, whatever would get me out of my shell and out of my house. I met, easily, 100 new people that year who have turned into good friends, weekend activity partners, professional contacts, and just regular buddies.
I never would have done any of these things if my XAH was still around. I'd be floating around him, worried, anxious, and depleted.
When I was transitioning out of my marriage, I cleaned my house like a madwoman. I threw out SO MUCH STUFF, all of it necessary. I gave myself big weekend projects and just did them, inexperience be damned.
I threw a party at my house, which I'd never done before. It was nerve-wracking, but turned out to be surprisingly easy and really fun. I invited all my friends and their kids for a potluck. I was no nervous nobody would come, but it turns out everyone I invited came over, over 60 people. I spent almost nothing -- it was more work figuring out whose dishes went where after the fact. There were so many kids, it was hilarious. People said it was one of their favorite gatherings that year. That was really special to me.
I started exercising, fell in love with my bicycle. I saved up and bought a newer, nicer bike for myself also.
I started making movements to be 100% financially independent. I'm really close now. This was important for me because I had previously relied so heavily on my parents. I'm seeing a financial advisor soon to figure out the rest.
I focused on my kids and really tried to make inroads with my teenager to repair some of the damage over the course of my marriage. We have a pretty good relationship -- I love that kid dearly. I let loose with my daughter too. I'm not as rigid as I was before.
I made a point to make new friends. I had a couple of friends who were really connected in the community, and I asked to tag along to things. I went to galleries, city council meetings, group bike rides, parties, meet-ups and tweet-ups, whatever would get me out of my shell and out of my house. I met, easily, 100 new people that year who have turned into good friends, weekend activity partners, professional contacts, and just regular buddies.
I never would have done any of these things if my XAH was still around. I'd be floating around him, worried, anxious, and depleted.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO - But I think the new guy was stirring up feelings that I just don't need to feel right now or that I am yet not equipped to deal with.
The guy definitely did cause me to measure him up with my "fantasy picture" of the ex A
I got over that for the most part.
But thanks hawk, I love that you cared enough to copy and paste.
The guy definitely did cause me to measure him up with my "fantasy picture" of the ex A
I got over that for the most part.
But thanks hawk, I love that you cared enough to copy and paste.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Meg-centered is a great place to be (I'm a Meg, myself). I live your honesty about being able to just toss them out of bed in the morning with no real commitment. So long as you're careful and aren't trying to fill a void, have fun! (((Hugs)))
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
