Shutterbug1

My ex is an alcoholic and a heroin addict. When we got together I knew he had used heroin in the past but wasn’t anymore. I was young and had no idea what I was getting myself into. I thought he was strong for overcoming addiction. But the reality is that he never really overcame it. He primarily struggled with drinking during our relationship, but he relapsed on heroin once during the first few months of our relationship and then again at the very end. I left him the day after I found a syringe in his pocket. Finding it was one of the saddest moments of my life. After we broke up I started to wonder if he had used periodically throughout our relationship behind my back. He had definitely been using regularly for several months by the time I found out for sure. I definitely suspected it though. Thing is I will never know for sure if he used more than I knew about.

After we broke up he went into a detox hospital, rehab and then a sober living house. When he was in the sober living house I told him that I was upset because we slept together while he was secretly getting high and I had no idea if he was sharing needles or what else he was doing behind my back. I was worried about HIV. He said that I didn’t need to worry because they gave him a test and he was clean. I was relieved when I heard this. After a while though I started to wonder if he was telling the truth. He lied to me so much during our relationship; I left the relationship feeling like I never really knew him, even after 10 years. Thoughts just keep coming up in my mind…”Do I have HIV?” “Did he destroy my body for the rest of my life?” “Would he lie to me about THAT?”

The thing is I am terrified of getting a test. Like, I’m not sure if I can handle it. I’m so unnerved about the whole thing. I haven’t been with anyone since him and would absolutely never do so without being tested first. But I am so deeply afraid of this. My friend volunteers at a clinic where they give free screenings. I called him today and asked him if he would go with me, be by my side while I do something I am so afraid of. Apparently you get the results in 30 minutes, right there. I have so many feelings twisted up around this. He chose to take the risk and expose himself…but I didn’t get the opportunity to make that choice. He played Russian roulette with my body; my health and I knew nothing about it. It’s so incredibly selfish and awful. It’s so upsetting. I am really struggling with depression and trauma from the past few years of my life. I am much stronger than I was when I left the relationship but I am definitely not strong yet. I know that I need this test in order to move forward. I know that I cannot fully move on without summoning up intense bravery and facing this really awful scary experience. I’m so afraid and need some encouragement. I’m going to ask my therapist about building up the strength to face this. I am just not sure that my mind can handle testing positive for HIV on top of everything I’ve been through recently. I feel like I might actually snap if this happens. When I think about it I cry…I cant help it. I’m so hurt by this experience.

lillamy

I understand your hurt and your fear. I had to do the same thing after I left AXH -- because he traveled for work quite a bit, but somehow, the thought didn't occur to me until after I left that crap, I had no clue what he had been up to when he had been out of town...

I went alone. I wish I hadn't, I wish I had had a friend with me. It was frightening -- and in my case, I had to wait for days before I got the result (which was negative).

The only thing I can say is that it's better to know than to worry. Almost always. (((hugs)))

Hammer

Your numbers are favorable that you DO NOT have HIV.

It will relieve your mind greatly if you know. You owe to yourself to get that relief, so you can go on.

On the (rare) other hand, if it were positive -- since you are a decent and caring person -- you would also want to know so that you do not accidentally risk spreading it to others.

It is not like you have to go tonight, or tomorrow -- but for YOU and others . . . yeah, you should go.

btw, I have had plenty -- from back in Army days, and done admin on some 100's or maybe 1000's.

Ain't nothing but a thing.

chicory

I remember when HIV was all everyone talked about. It was scary. I had dated someone who was unfaithful . After we broke up I became overcome with worry( I tend to have anxiety overload), and decided that getting tested would be the only way to go on with my life.. positive or negative. It was negative, and I had worried myself sick for months.
HIV is not a death sentence like it was in the past. People live long and healthy lives with treatments now.
You are not alone.. many worry about this. Get tested so you can move forward with your life. Fear is immobilizing. Its good that you will get your results in 30 minutes. I waited for days, for my negative results.


chicory

LvWrAM123

In today's world, if you have HIV you can live a healthy, normal life with meds, just like millions living with many chronic illnesses every day. If you have HIV right now, you want to know ASAP so you can begin treatment. If you have it right now and don't know, it is slowly killing you.

You either have HIV right now or yo don't (and odds are you don't). A positive or negative test doesn't change your actual status, but getting those results asap are the difference between a good long life or a short, painful, sickly one.

Take you friend up on the offer and get the test now. Worrying about it is stealing your peace and bad for your body and mind.

Good luck-you can do this!!!

PippiLngstockng

I'm going to get tested as well next week. The more I think about it, the more I realize that xah could have given me all sorts of things. Not that we were hardly intimate in the last years we were together, but there were an awful lot of secrets and silence, and I was so f'ing naive it's crazy.

I am not feeling much about it. Just trying to move forward and not get stuck in some kind of emotional paralysis. I am really dealing with a lot of wreckage from my years with xah. And this is just one more crappy thing in a very long list.

Good that you are doing this. Have a plan to do something fun afterwards, maybe. I'm here with you.

fluffyflea

I had to get it done for HIV and Hep C.

I never trusted if I was told the truth about the HIV and then after he died I found out he had had Hep C For 30 years and neglected to tell me.

I felt very betrayed.

It was hard but it had to be done.

Good Luck.

redatlanta

Understand the fear - gotta say the fear is usually worse than the reality.

Chances are you are not. HIV is not easy to get. I work with many LBGT and there are plenty of partnerships where one has it and the other doesn't inclusive of periods of time that they did not know and were having unprotected sex.

On the flip side if you happened to be the rare bird - it is best to know early and tackle it now rather than wait until your immune system has been affected. All that I know who are positive (with exception of one who found out last year) have been positive for 10 years plus and nobody would know. They are all very healthy.

FeelingGreat

Hi SB, although people focus on HIV, hepatitis is another blood borne disease that is more likely, so don't forget to ask about all possibilities. I know that's not cheering you up, but there's a strong chance you aren't HIV positive.

If your ex had tested positive, there would have been very strong moves to inform all his sexual partners, including you. So have the test to settle your mind, but I bet it will be fine.

CodeJob

Hugs! you have great support here and advice!

Hangnbyathread

I will NEVER forget the moment in my life, when my XAGF called me, angry at me, raging on me, screaming at me, that she had just gotten the results that she had an STD. As soon as those words left her mouth, I knew at that moment she had been cheating. I knew this because I knew for absolute certainty I had not been. So I let her spew hatred at me for 20 minutes. She of course had to make me the source of it. Calmly I said I would cooperate fully with being tested etc. I had my test from before I met her so I knew I was clean when we met. I showed her that. That became well you must be cheating on me since we met.....etc. I just kept my mouth shut. I had nothing to defend for my actions. Let her do all the yelling.

This day was the beginning of my realization that my GF was an AC. From this event I learned that she would go out drinking, find men that she could drink with, resenting me because I wasn't one of those men, and the rest we know how it went. And it wasn't 1 man it was (she didn't know how many) at least 7 she could remember. And there were plenty of blackout drunks taking place in this time so you be the judge. All the while I am at home thinking she has long hours at work she was dealing with.

Since that day, I got tested every 6 months. Voluntarily. Even though she and I were no longer were having sex. I would post those results on our refrigerator. To remind me first and foremost and to remind her that she has forever altered how I feel towards her. I did that until we parted ways.

She argued I would never let go of the past mistakes. All the while she was still drinking.

I was the problem, the moment SHE got the STD.

Isn't this fun? (HUGE SARCASM HERE)

NerdlyBeauty

Shutterbug, if you don't want to go to a clinic to get tested at first, some drugstores carry tests that you can do at home, like a pregnancy test. I have seen it at CVS. Here's a link: In Home HIV Test | OraQuick

Good luck to you. I can't imagine how you're feeling. Nothing worse than uncertainty.