JEllyn

My AH is getting worse and worse. He drinks until he's blitzed then picks a fight. We had people over Saturday night and had a really nice time. When they left, all heck broke loose. You only clean when we have company, you keep airing out our dirty laundry to make me out to be the bad guy (I replied with, I only speak the truth), none of your family members helped you set up and no one made you a cake. You always get cakes for them (which is untrue). I asked him who I get cakes for, and he had no answer. He then told me to f off.
We were supposed to go out for a family dinner last night, and he got drunk and passed out on the couch after picking a fight.
He apologized for telling me to f off after he remembered, and I told him that he apologizes then does the same thing over and over again-the same thing he says to me all the time. Then I thanked him for ruining another weekend.
He claims that we never have conversations, yet we talk all the time.
He claims that I never let him talk, yet I sit there for 10 minutes listening to his BS and when I begin to talk after he asks me a question, he gets mad that I'm interrupting. If I don't answer him, I'm ignoring him. It's a lose lose situation, and it's getting worse.
He asked me why I thought he stays when he has plenty of money to leave. I just didn't answer. If he wanted to leave he would, but then he wouldn't have anyone to abuse.
I just want to have a good weekend, but it's impossible because he just stays home and drinks ALL DAY then picks fights. He said that I never ask him to go out anywhere. I do-he never wants to go or he passes out on the couch.
Today, he left for work barely talking to me.
Why am I always the bad guy? Why is he ignoring me-again? I know the answers, but it continues to FRUSTRATE the heck out of me.
He's Jekyll and Hyde. When he's sober, he's wonderful and I'm afraid to lose that. When he's drinking, he's horrible. There's no physical abuse, so he doesn't think he's a bad person just for wanting to talk and communicate (though he continues to do it in the middle of the night.)
I'm afraid to let go. I want him to change so badly, and I know it won't happen.
I want to go back to being happy.

hopeful4

Honey, this is who he is now. You may want him back to happy, but that's not very likely unless he decides to get some help and utilize that help like nothing else he has ever done in his life.

He does this b/c it is the alcoholic BS that comes out of their mouths. Don't engage, there is really no point at all.

You can however start helping yourself. Go to Alanon or Celebrate Recovery. Get some therapy from people who really know about addiction. Form some boundaries you can keep.

Tight hugs. It's a moment at a time.

ladyscribbler

Oh wow. You just described every drunken "conversation" I ever had with my ex. The purpose of these arguments was never to solve problems or air legitimate grievances. It was to deflect attention from my ex's drinking and unacceptable behavior. He also used to ask me a question and talk over me if I tried to answer, but he got angry if didn't try to answer because he hated being ignored. Some part of him is feeding off of this conflict and this behavior goes in cycles. The good times have a hefty price tag in the form of verbal and emotional abuse.
If I was busy defending myself against accusations about phantom nonsense- like the cake thing- then I couldn't focus on the real problem, which was me constantly putting up with unacceptable behavior in exchange for the crumbs of affection and normal behavior he sometimes showed when he was sober.

NerdlyBeauty

Hi, JEllen. Welcome!!!!! PLEASE don't listen to anything coming out of his alcoholic mouth. My AXBF, and the father of my six year old son, has said and done horrible horrible things to me, the woman he supposedly loves. It is ALL bs. In my experience, when he says those things, he is really just transferring all of his sh*t about himself onto you. Again, PLEASE don't believe it. it's simply not true.

Read all the posts you can on here, and you will realize we are all going through very similar situations. You are loved here

iamthird

Your post brought me back to the early days with separated AH. It was just hours of that kind of talk. Hours of talking that never got us anywhere better. Eventually it progressed.

Keep coming here. You will feel a little less crazy. I remember feeling like I was in the Twilight Zone. Try to get help, check out a meeting...align yourself with others who have gone through the same thing.

lillamy

Exactly.
It took me years after leaving AXH to understand what you already know.

And you also know the answer to why he behaves the way he does. He's an alcoholic.

CodeJob

Out of the FOG - Top 100 Behaviors & Traits of Individuals who suffer from Personality Disorders

I just put this link on another comment, but
Jellybean you might find it useful too! Hugs.

AddictGuy

"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by a**holes." - Steven Winterburn

Hey Nerdly,

That was a good one. You never know where you might find a grain of insight to help your day along, except maybe by coming here. I didn't quote it in grey like I have seen done here because I don't know how to do that yet but thanks to Steven Winterburn, right?

Here's another one I heard on the TV series Justified. If you run into an a##hole today, you ran into an a##hole. If you run into a##holes all day long, you are the a##hole.

dandylion

Jellyn....you say: "I want him to change" and "I want to go back to being happy again".

It sounds like you are still in the wishful thinking phase of this situation.

dandylion

AnvilheadII

When he's sober, he's wonderful

except he's not sober very much is he? and when he is NOT sober, which is more often than not, he's a complete JERK to you. no one should treat you like that.....NO ONE.

I also have to wonder a bit.....if perhaps over the years your concept of "he's wonderful" has been skewed....and it's more like how good it feels when you you stop hitting your hand with the hammer. relief.

perhaps stop trying so hard to pretend it's all ok, and stop dragging him in to events he's just going to mess up with his stupid selfish antics. it's like asking a chimpanzee to use good table manners.........

Hammer

The "Tech Term" is called Karpman Drama Triangle.

Karpman drama triangle - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

It is the Basis of Every Disney Princess Movie. There is a Victim, a Villain, and a Hero/Rescuer.

for the "victim for life" A -- they cannot be a Victim if there is not a Bad Guy. Since likely no one else around will put up with his crap -- you get Cast as Villain.

Probably other times you are Cast as the Hero/Rescuer. That can be so rewarding to *us* that it becomes a reason we stay through the Fantasy Villain stage.

Best way out is to quit being part of the Play.

For me -- I just left the Stage of her Crazy Little Theater. I went to sit in Audience -- now she only does "Projection" from her Stage -- and proclaims --- "SEE? See There? THAT is the Villain!"

I just smile and wave -- like the Penguins from Madagascar.



Next thing you will likely want know about is Projection.

Psychological projection - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Happy for YOU? -- that ain't happening in THAT theater. The general progression is that you will be Hero/Rescuer less and less, and Villain more and more.

You follow that it has NOTHING to do with you? In this realm it is AAAAA (Always All About the Alcoholic or Addict).

NYCDoglvr

I'm so sorry you're subjected to this drunken drivel. I wanted to be happy again also and the only way I could do that was walk out. First I had to realize I didn't deserve to be treated with utter disrespect. Equally important, I had to see that there was nothing I could do or say that would change him. It was a process and it was hard to do and scary. I recommend Alanon where I got the help and support I needed. I don't know you but I do know you deserve much better than this!

Eauchiche

Had Richard Wagner lived. he would have composed an opera entitled:
"Der Karpman Schauspiel".

Might be fun to produce this sometime. Any takers?