sorcharuane

Well it's been a while since I posted here because my alcoholic partner, I should say ex-partner but I think there might be a little bit of denial going on there, was sober for a couple of months and everything was rosy in the garden. Actually it wasn't really, there were difficulties then too but it was just a hell of a lot easier than when he's drinking. I have been seeing him on and off for about 16 months now and I would say hes been sober for about a quarter of that time. I keep trying to leave and then he begs me to come back and I have to admit I have wanted him to keep asking me back because I can't stand the feelings of loss around ending it. Yes he can be lovely and kind and helpful and loving and thoughtful but it never lasts.

I'm not claiming to be an angel, I can be moody, hormonal and difficult. I seem to need more space and time to myself than he does, I have children, a creative life etc. He lives alone and when he's not drinking constantly he works hard to keep himself busy. My need for time alone seems to be a big issue, he feels I'm pushing him away a lot. Anyway he started drinking again just after christmas and I have been keeping out of his way because we just end up having stupid, repetitive conversations and arguments and I don't want that anymore.

But the thing that I find hardest is that he starts going on about other women when he's drinking. Telling me he will go back to his ex, he would shag(his word) a woman I actually work with and the latest thing was the other day texting me and asking me would I mind if he texted that same woman. Then an hour later he texted again to say he was sorry and he loves me with all his heart. Of course he is twisted when he's sending these texts and doesn't go on like this when sober at all. I'm sure I don't need to explain how headwrecking this stuff is and it seems to be getting worse as time goes on and I think it's because he doesn't get the reaction he wants from me so he's upping the ante.

I got a new number yesterday because I don't want to be on the receiving end of this anymore. I'm not really looking for advice, I know I need to leave him. B ut I just feel so sad today and I feel bad too for feeling sad over someone who has treated me so badly. I can't figure out why I'm not delighted to be rid of him. It feels like such a strong attachment/addiction and I'm afraid I wont be able to stay away from him this time either. I am lonely without him as crazy as that sounds and I am afraid he is going to get together with one of these women he's been threatening me with and he lives right beside me and I will have it in my face. I'm just so scared right now and I suppose I am just looking for some understanding, hope, moral support. I find it really helpful reading other members posts here. I attend al-anon once a week too. Any comments will be appreciated, thanks.

knowthetriggers

Um...honey, he is not worth this pain. I get the feeling it might not be him you miss but perhaps don't care to be alone? Or perhaps you are grieving from the breakup?

Being alone can be cleansing. Your are in the right place. Keep going to your Alanon meetings and take care of yourself and your children. That is the most important thing to remember!

maia1234

Good for you for changing your number. No new hurts/ with no new contact.

Its hard but everyday you get stronger and he gets weaker... that's the plan. Stand your ground as what you were doing before didn't work. You are trying something different.

Stay strong!!

Hammer

Sounds like a Whole Lotta "ICK" with that Alcoholic.

Keep doing Alanon. And the Sponsor Thing. And the Steps.

You will get your mind right.