Separated AH getting help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
Separated AH getting help
I have been on this board for years. Many of you old timers know me and my story. Long story short husband was sober and then relapsed in May 2012, shortly thereafter I started fighting head/neck cancer which progressed to Stage 4 to which I am so blessed to be in remission from. All the time I was ill, getting sober was not even a thought to him. All the while dealing with separated AH having a gf that he cheated on me with, she was awful to me, eventually moved in with him, etc...I have faced many things over the years and I am proud to report how strong I am and have been for dd6 and as of late things are going well for me financially. I felt like I got my bounce back and things are good in every area of my life...so I figured now was the time I needed to start wrapping up the divorce. I did not announce it to separated AH but it is just something I told myself internally.
So here is development: Monday morning separated AH comes to take DD6 to school and announces he is going to go get help that day. He told both my daughter and I that he just cannot take this way of life anymore. He told DD6 he has a problem with drinking and is going to get help. He told her "you know how there are times when Daddy is supposed to show up and he doesnt, thats not going to happen anymore. im sorry for my choices over the past few years that had adversely affected you and your mom and I am going to make it right no matter how long it takes me." I was really floored. He cried in front of DD6 and admitted to her his problem and never has before. We were all crying. It was emotional! He even told DD6 he is changing all his bad decisions including who he lives with. (Enabling GF). I was so shocked he said that! The way he was talking was remnant of the husband I used to know. He has already signed up for treatment, let his employer know, kicked out gf, etc...he is making moves and not just blowing smoke.
I am happy for him. I am happy for my daughter. Him saying all that is a step in the right direction for himself. We always prayed for him to get healthy. This may now be the time...But here at SR is the place where I say things that my friends who don't deal with an A can understand. A part of me was mad! I was thinking "Now?"...I was sick with cancer bedridden for months and it never dawned on you THEN to get help? In the entire time we have been separated, getting sober was never spoken of. I started thinking how ridiculous it was for me to be mad about this. I have fallen into the martyr role like he is the one that screws up everything so he needs to stay screwed up! Lol...
Anyway, this is when I realized I need to dive in and keep working my recovery. If I was healthy, I would not have been mad that he is getting help. I am a christian woman and am christian to every stranger and person I come in contact with but I am still mean to him. He has put me through a lot but I have to take ownership in my role in the crazy dance. Working my recovery is important and I am so sorry I have been letting it slip because things have been getting better for me. Like they say, I just need to keep my side of the street clean and wish him the best on his.
So here is development: Monday morning separated AH comes to take DD6 to school and announces he is going to go get help that day. He told both my daughter and I that he just cannot take this way of life anymore. He told DD6 he has a problem with drinking and is going to get help. He told her "you know how there are times when Daddy is supposed to show up and he doesnt, thats not going to happen anymore. im sorry for my choices over the past few years that had adversely affected you and your mom and I am going to make it right no matter how long it takes me." I was really floored. He cried in front of DD6 and admitted to her his problem and never has before. We were all crying. It was emotional! He even told DD6 he is changing all his bad decisions including who he lives with. (Enabling GF). I was so shocked he said that! The way he was talking was remnant of the husband I used to know. He has already signed up for treatment, let his employer know, kicked out gf, etc...he is making moves and not just blowing smoke.
I am happy for him. I am happy for my daughter. Him saying all that is a step in the right direction for himself. We always prayed for him to get healthy. This may now be the time...But here at SR is the place where I say things that my friends who don't deal with an A can understand. A part of me was mad! I was thinking "Now?"...I was sick with cancer bedridden for months and it never dawned on you THEN to get help? In the entire time we have been separated, getting sober was never spoken of. I started thinking how ridiculous it was for me to be mad about this. I have fallen into the martyr role like he is the one that screws up everything so he needs to stay screwed up! Lol...
Anyway, this is when I realized I need to dive in and keep working my recovery. If I was healthy, I would not have been mad that he is getting help. I am a christian woman and am christian to every stranger and person I come in contact with but I am still mean to him. He has put me through a lot but I have to take ownership in my role in the crazy dance. Working my recovery is important and I am so sorry I have been letting it slip because things have been getting better for me. Like they say, I just need to keep my side of the street clean and wish him the best on his.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I'm not sure your anger makes you unhealthy as much as it makes you human. You know? I think recovery work is never done, and it's great for you to work on, but don't be too hard on yourself for your feelings.
It's great if he actually does get help. Time will tell if he follows his words up with action.
It's great if he actually does get help. Time will tell if he follows his words up with action.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
Alcoholics seem to have a sixth sense about when it's time to admit they have a problem and promise to get help. It seems to kick in when they sense others are done with them.
After you wrote that everyone was crying, I thought you might be contemplating stepping back on the crazy train. I'm relieved to hear you striving to work on your recovery.
After you wrote that everyone was crying, I thought you might be contemplating stepping back on the crazy train. I'm relieved to hear you striving to work on your recovery.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
I agree with lillamy. I think you're just being human and your feelings don't reflect your recovery work. I think anger is healing too in its own way. You feel it, you pray about it, you work on the why of it, and then you release it to God's care. Remember, God feels anger,too, at times.
I hope for all of you that he is sincere and continues to follow through.
I hope for all of you that he is sincere and continues to follow through.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
The first thing that came to my mind, and I may be wrong, is that you are giving him a lot of credit for his words. And I think it is b/c his words were to your child. I listened to my X promise my kids on a couple of different occasions that this was it. He seemed very serious and sincere at the time. Thing is, it just happened over and over. And hurt them even more because he lied to them.
I agree, keep working your own program. If he does really get well that is great as you want a stable coparent for your child. However, all of that is up to him.
Tight, tight hugs.
I agree, keep working your own program. If he does really get well that is great as you want a stable coparent for your child. However, all of that is up to him.
Tight, tight hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
No I am not holding out for our his recovery or marriage or anything. I seriously do not believe a word he says. Maybe I did not articulate my thought well. The point I was trying to make was just that my attitude toward him (and only him) is negative and I don't want to be in that place in my mind. My thoughts were "oh well I am glad you are finally joining the rest of us in reality" and "thanks for doing something you should have been doing all this time".
I want to get to a point where that is not my internal dialogue and I just wish him well and that's it. I need to keep working my recovery. This made me see that I still have work to do when I thought I had it all figured out, that's all.
I want to get to a point where that is not my internal dialogue and I just wish him well and that's it. I need to keep working my recovery. This made me see that I still have work to do when I thought I had it all figured out, that's all.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Iamthird,
I am so happy for you that you are doing great and feeling well!! God does take care of us!!
I think it is wonderful that he finally intends to get his "his" life together. I think it will make it easier for when you have to do what you intended to do. Follow the path that you had set out for you and your daughter.
He has done some horrible things to you, but you have stayed strong and "survived". Someone mentioned a couple days ago to make a list of all the bad things that they did to you, so it will be easier to remember where you are today, and why. I did that and my list is very long. It may help if you start "feeling" sorry for him.
So Miss Survivor, what are your plans and goals for the 2 of you? Go after them and accomplish them!!!!!! The two of you are going to be ok!!!!!!
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
I am so happy for you that you are doing great and feeling well!! God does take care of us!!
I think it is wonderful that he finally intends to get his "his" life together. I think it will make it easier for when you have to do what you intended to do. Follow the path that you had set out for you and your daughter.
He has done some horrible things to you, but you have stayed strong and "survived". Someone mentioned a couple days ago to make a list of all the bad things that they did to you, so it will be easier to remember where you are today, and why. I did that and my list is very long. It may help if you start "feeling" sorry for him.
So Miss Survivor, what are your plans and goals for the 2 of you? Go after them and accomplish them!!!!!! The two of you are going to be ok!!!!!!
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
iamthird....I think that it is good that you can say how you REALLY feel (or, at least, know it).----as opposed to how you are "supposed" to feel.
Perhaps you are being a bit impatient....maybe the level of altruism that you aspire to takes a verrry long time to arrive at.
I suspect that it won't be completely and totally there until all of your feelings about him have vanished. That takes a loong time, I think. (if ever)
This is just my take on it.....
dandylion
Perhaps you are being a bit impatient....maybe the level of altruism that you aspire to takes a verrry long time to arrive at.
I suspect that it won't be completely and totally there until all of your feelings about him have vanished. That takes a loong time, I think. (if ever)
This is just my take on it.....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 117
Iamthird - I am going through the same thing. My AH seems to have finally figured out that I am done with our marriage. We had the "I want a divorce" talk. In response, he is actually showing through his actions now that he is working on his recovery.
He's getting better.
Meanwhile every word, phrase, expletive going through my head is so bad I couldn't repeat them on national tv. i am trying to get through this by praying, reading here, focusing on the positives. Maybe a gratitude list would help. I don't know.
I know what you mean iamthird. Let's get through this and get better
He's getting better.
Meanwhile every word, phrase, expletive going through my head is so bad I couldn't repeat them on national tv. i am trying to get through this by praying, reading here, focusing on the positives. Maybe a gratitude list would help. I don't know.
I know what you mean iamthird. Let's get through this and get better
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 117
Hammer just reminded me of slogan in another post:
You cannot have good, until you let go of bad.
As part of convincing myself that now was finally the time to get the divorce done, I think I had to focus on all, I mean all the bad. To really see it.
I am not ready to forgive all the bad. Is forgiving the same as "let it go"?
Is this how you are feeling iamthird?
You cannot have good, until you let go of bad.
As part of convincing myself that now was finally the time to get the divorce done, I think I had to focus on all, I mean all the bad. To really see it.
I am not ready to forgive all the bad. Is forgiving the same as "let it go"?
Is this how you are feeling iamthird?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Iamthird, your feelings of anger come from having lived through his bad behavior. They are real, and you are entitled to feel every one of them. It is true that he treated you very badly when you most needed him. It is true that he is, if he follows through, choosing it on his own timetable without regard for what he had promised when he married you.
To me, the first step in getting rid of my anger is to truly acknowledge it and feel it. For me, often when I would feel that magnanimous "it's okay, I forgive you", it was more because I wanted to see myself as altruistic than it was because true at the depths of my being, and it came around to bite me.
The rage at having endured being treated so terribly had to escape from me, bit by bit over time and through looking honestly and acknowledging it. So, to me, it is okay to be as angry as you need to be, even after you think you are through with it, and letting it out openly and honestly. He has a lot to answer for, and it is honest to feel that way.
We had a discussion here on SR a year or more ago about the difference between anger and rage that was very interesting. For wounds so deep from someone we entrusted with our most intimate lives and needs, what comes up is rage.
ShootingStar1
To me, the first step in getting rid of my anger is to truly acknowledge it and feel it. For me, often when I would feel that magnanimous "it's okay, I forgive you", it was more because I wanted to see myself as altruistic than it was because true at the depths of my being, and it came around to bite me.
The rage at having endured being treated so terribly had to escape from me, bit by bit over time and through looking honestly and acknowledging it. So, to me, it is okay to be as angry as you need to be, even after you think you are through with it, and letting it out openly and honestly. He has a lot to answer for, and it is honest to feel that way.
We had a discussion here on SR a year or more ago about the difference between anger and rage that was very interesting. For wounds so deep from someone we entrusted with our most intimate lives and needs, what comes up is rage.
ShootingStar1
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Not saying this applies to you or anyone . . . but you all probably at least have heard the term -- Burning a Bridge. Or more commonly -- Burning a Bridge Behind You.
Came from the days of the Roman Empire, and used since --
Once the Army was committed on a course -- to burn the Bridges Behind Them -- or to Burn The Ships on the Beach ensured the ONLY course of action was forward.
All I am saying is it may be a REALLY GOOD Time to torch that thing.
Came from the days of the Roman Empire, and used since --
Once the Army was committed on a course -- to burn the Bridges Behind Them -- or to Burn The Ships on the Beach ensured the ONLY course of action was forward.
All I am saying is it may be a REALLY GOOD Time to torch that thing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
Godismyrock, I guess what blindsides me is I thought that had I had forgiven him but I guess not...my mind is playing tricks on me!
I am very proud of myself because even though he is taking steps, I am maintaining boundaries. Of course there is already quacking because he does not know the "me" with boundaries. He may not like that "me" but I like it so that is what matters.
Hammer, I understand what youre saying. However I don't know how to burn a bridge with someone you share a child with. He is taking steps to seek recovery/sobriety and I do hope for him and my daughter that he finds it. I just refuse to get back on that ride.
I have another friend whose ex/baby daddy is an active A. He is so horrid and does not even think he has a problem. He has a sweet disposition and never gets mean when drunk, just sloppy then passes out. I don't know whats worse. That kind of person who does not think they have a problem or my separated AH who knows what he is and goes through the relapse/recovery cycle.
The truth is, I am seeing that even if he finds recovery, I do not want apart of this world of addiction as far as any future relationships. There are some men out there that don't drink, there are some men that are faithful and committed to their wives and families. There are some men that are romantic. I Am Third will not settle for any less from here on out which means I am prepared to be alone for life if thats what it means. I take it so seriously that I need to set an example for DD6 how to be a strong woman and what she should tolerate.
I am very proud of myself because even though he is taking steps, I am maintaining boundaries. Of course there is already quacking because he does not know the "me" with boundaries. He may not like that "me" but I like it so that is what matters.
Hammer, I understand what youre saying. However I don't know how to burn a bridge with someone you share a child with. He is taking steps to seek recovery/sobriety and I do hope for him and my daughter that he finds it. I just refuse to get back on that ride.
I have another friend whose ex/baby daddy is an active A. He is so horrid and does not even think he has a problem. He has a sweet disposition and never gets mean when drunk, just sloppy then passes out. I don't know whats worse. That kind of person who does not think they have a problem or my separated AH who knows what he is and goes through the relapse/recovery cycle.
The truth is, I am seeing that even if he finds recovery, I do not want apart of this world of addiction as far as any future relationships. There are some men out there that don't drink, there are some men that are faithful and committed to their wives and families. There are some men that are romantic. I Am Third will not settle for any less from here on out which means I am prepared to be alone for life if thats what it means. I take it so seriously that I need to set an example for DD6 how to be a strong woman and what she should tolerate.
Iamthird....not "some men". Lots of men. worldwide...MOST men. (LOL),Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by iamthird 
The truth is:
I am seeing that even if he finds recovery, I do not want apart of this world of addiction as far as any future relationships.
There are some men out there that don't drink,
there are some men that are faithful and committed to their wives and families.
There are some men that are romantic.
I Am Third will not settle for any less from here on out which means I am prepared to be alone for life if thats what it means.
I take it so seriously that I need to set an example for DD6 how to be a strong woman and what she should tolerate.
I take it so seriously that I need to set an example for DD6 how to be a strong woman and what she should tolerate.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 609
OT kinda, just watched intervention and it was a lovely story very similar to mine. The husband found recovery for 1 yr then fell off again. Ugh!!!
I dont think I could ever get involved with an A ever again! I have had enough trauma for a lifetime!!!
All this thread and watching Intervention made me want to do is press forward with this divorce!
I dont think I could ever get involved with an A ever again! I have had enough trauma for a lifetime!!!
All this thread and watching Intervention made me want to do is press forward with this divorce!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
