Jodie77

My XAf showed up at my parents' house today with a pizza! He also brought my brother with him. My XAf is an alcoholic and cocaine user. My brother is an alcoholic and hardcore opiate addict. So my XAf shows up with a pizza and tries to convince my parents to let my brother live with them because he has no place to go (my brother has lost everything).

I am the one who has stuck by my XAf side through thick and thin for 5 years and he tosses me out like trash, yet he tries to "help" my brother and shows empathy for him.

I am shell shocked. Please...I need words of wisdom right now.

suki44883

These are things that are out of your control. If your parents allow him to stay with them, that is their decision. But...it seems to me that if your XAF cared so much about your brother, he'd let your brother stay with him. Doesn't sound like he has offered, does it?

Jodie77

He's saying he can't live with him bc my XAf lives with his mom right now while he's having a house built (that I was supposed to live in too)! It's crazy that he will go to bat for my brother but dump me when I'm the one who has stuck by his side through it all. I feel so betrayed and hurt.

MissFixit

I am shell shocked. Please...I need words of wisdom right now.

Stay out of it. Let them sort themselves out. Good or bad the choices are up to those involved directly.

Eddiebuckle

Perhaps the point of this exhibition is to show to others that clearly he isn't an addict, because an addict could *never* be that together.

Jodie, if your family is unwilling or unable to recognize manipulation when they see it, nothing you say or do will change that. Do not take the bait. Move on.. this is not your circus.

Impurrfect

Sounds to me, like he's supporting your brother because he feels a kinship - two addicts?

I will say that a lot of A's are also codependent. I was first a codie, then became an addict and am in recovery for both.

Sounds to me like he is trying to help your brother to avoid dealing what is going on with his own life?

Bottom line - let them do what they do. Not your problem. Hard to accept, as it is for what your parents do, but this is time to take care of YOU!!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Jodie77

Thank you everyone! When my mom asked my XAf where I was he simply stated "we had an argument." Wtf he broke up with me....we didn't have an "argument."

Jodie77

Impurrfect....you nailed it with them being codies on each other!

Impurrfect

Jodie - been there, done that, got the t-shirts Let them do what they do and stay out of it. It can drive us bat-crazy, but the bottom line is we are the only person we can control. Took me a few years, reading here, to learn that so you are way ahead of me

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Jodie77

Eddie,

Yes he's making it seem like he is so together because he has a career and is functioning so well and making it appear that my brother is the one who is in dire need of help (yet XAf in total denial of his own alcohol and coke addiction). It's crazy making for my psyche.

LexieCat

And all he brought was a PIZZA?

Dang, if somebody's bringing all that dysfunction to MY house, he better be bringing something better than pizza to soften me up.

suki44883

The best thing for you to do is back away from the entire situation. You cannot change any of it and if he broke up with you, he did you a great favor. It probably doesn't feel that way right now, but after a while (if you stop knowing everything that is going on), you'll start to feel better. Your mind will uncloud and you will see things from a fresh perspective.

Let this go.

AnvilheadII

Why doesn't Joe the Humanitarian take your brother in, if he's so dang concerned over his well being????

it's really just nutty and best if you stay out of it! i know it's uncomfortable, but i think you are starting to see the insanity of it all!

Florence

If it were me, I'd tell my folks, "Hey Mom and Dad, I'm not seeing XAF anymore because of his substance abuse issues, and I don't know what he's peddling with AB, but I don't want any. FYI."

I notice a note of you feeling like you were betrayed or owed loyalty by your XAF through your threads. Yes, in a normal relationship, that might be a reasonable expectation, but as you were with an addict/alcoholic, his loyalty is toward maintaining his addiction. This isn't about your brother, this isn't about you, this is about him justifying his crazy actions with crazy solutions that are just as crazy as his problems and his crazy thinking.

It's hard to make sense of an active addict's behavior because they're not thinking right. This isn't about what you did or didn't do.

dandylion

Jodie....you interfered with his drinking....your brother DIDN"T. I went into this in my post to you, yesterday, in greater detail.
He looks at the whole world through the filter of alcoholism.
It looks like he is also triangulating with your brother (and your family).

dandylion

Jodie77

Many many thanks to all of you. Please don't think that you are not being heard or your responses aren't tremendously encouraging me. I might keep asking the same questions lol but that's just because I need to hear the same responses over and over (from all of you). Eventually it will stick but right now I'm in the very early stages of grief.

Thank you again for all of your responses. You are truly helping me whether you realize it or not.

lillamy

That's totally understandable. And it's hard when there are big emotions in the mix. Here you have your ex ditching you and still wanting to keep your family. That's some hard stuff to swallow.

I've said many times that if I had been as slow in school as I've been learning life lessons, I'd still be in Kindergarten... and I've been told that we all learn at exactly the pace we're supposed to...

atalose

Someone who is worthy of your love will never put you in a situation where you feel you must sacrifice your dignity, your integrity, or your self-worth to be with them.

You are hurt by this guy’s behavior which just continues and you seem to be judging his feeling towards you by him helping your brother and not fixing himself for you or the relationship you want with him.

Active addicts can't have mutualy loving relationships.

Please try not to wrap your mind and heart all around the fact he told your mom you had a fight and didn’t tell her you broke up. Because he does very hurtful things to you he leaves you but you always take him back and he knows that.

I really hope you find the strength and courage to keep this hurtful person out of your life this time so that someday you can have a loving relationship with someone who is going to love you back the way you deserve to be loved.

Hope7726

We understand. We've all been there. I agree that addicts stick together. Plus, if I am understanding this properly, your AXF is simply asking your parents to let your AB stay with them, not help him get sober, right? There's a big difference.

My AXBF and I broke up almost 3 months ago and I feel better each day. I am still grieving and I still get really angry sometimes, but I can't believe how much I've improved just from a few weeks ago. It's unfortunate that your brother has contact with your ex and you had to hear about him but really, the most helpful thing is to stay out of his life completely. I would ask my parents and whomever else might run into him, not to mention his name to me.

hopeful4

I completely understand. Tight hugs!