Saying Goodbye to him for the first time
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Saying Goodbye to him for the first time
I understand that many many many of us have been exactly where I am right now. I just said goodbye to my abf yesterday... the idea had been lingering between us for about 2 1/2 weeks; we didn't see each other during those 2 1/2 weeks, and he knew I was taking some time to think about things.
When I came to my conclusion to leave him, my reasoning (and I explained this to him) was this: It's simple. This is a deal-breaker for me. I think you have a drinking problem, and you don't. And so every time I want to say something about it, you will only end up resenting me for trying to control you. And when you decide to drink and hide it from me, I will only end up resenting you for lying. We will only end up tearing each other apart.
He understood. He said, "If you think of anything else you might feel about this, then please let me know." And I told him the same "If you think you might really want to get sober and tackle this, then let me know. It's not like I'm going anywhere."
Now, just two hours after that conversation, he was texting me that 'he can't imagine being with anyone else.'
I didn't respond. I know, that in any break up, when someone doesn't want it, the first set of emotions are "I'm sorry, I'll change, please don't go..."
And then the next set of emotions are usually anger.
But you see... He and I just don't fight. We have this amazing style of communication that allows us to be honest and just talk, with no real drama. So what does he do? He texts me today and says this:
"When I get back from vacation, I'm going to get my drinking issue fixed. I hope you know that I'm willing to fight for us. If you don't think it's too late. And I won't resent your feedback. I know I've had a problem with the drinking. I don't want to live like that." (He is going to visit some really good friends of his for a vacation before he gets deployed some time in April this year (military)).
I sat and thought... I told him, I'm willing to fight as long as he is. But that he has to understand that he needs to get really selfish about his recovery and focus on just himself for a while. I told him I'll be doing the same and I am willing to wait for a long period of time while we do this. And I also asked if he was willing to get sober for himself? That this had to be about him, and not for the relationship.
He responded, "Of course it's for me. I am just worried that you'll fall out of love with me if it takes too long. But I guess we can't control that."
I told him, "Because I love you, I want you to be healthy. Time is on our side here..."
Now, I feel really good about my stance. I WANT some time between us because I know that if he really tries to battle this thing, it will probably take a good few tries before he is able to manage sobriety. And if I'm around for that, I'll either get in the way or get upset when my bf doesn't take care of "us" or angry if he slips and drinks again. I am also prepared to keep moving on in my own life and simply hope for the best without having any expectation. I really want him to get healthy for him. Because I just cannot imagine a healthy relationship with someone who isn't healthy themselves. And THAT is why I broke it off in the first place. Even though we are very much in love and breaking if off SUCKS! But it is what it is, and I know what I want.
Am I setting myself up here? I really don't see myself getting involved with anyone new anyway... If I'm okay with whatever the result will be, does this seem healthy to any of you? At this point, I don't think NO contact is necessary. I guess time will tell with that one. I guess time will tell with all of it....
When I came to my conclusion to leave him, my reasoning (and I explained this to him) was this: It's simple. This is a deal-breaker for me. I think you have a drinking problem, and you don't. And so every time I want to say something about it, you will only end up resenting me for trying to control you. And when you decide to drink and hide it from me, I will only end up resenting you for lying. We will only end up tearing each other apart.
He understood. He said, "If you think of anything else you might feel about this, then please let me know." And I told him the same "If you think you might really want to get sober and tackle this, then let me know. It's not like I'm going anywhere."
Now, just two hours after that conversation, he was texting me that 'he can't imagine being with anyone else.'
I didn't respond. I know, that in any break up, when someone doesn't want it, the first set of emotions are "I'm sorry, I'll change, please don't go..."
And then the next set of emotions are usually anger.
But you see... He and I just don't fight. We have this amazing style of communication that allows us to be honest and just talk, with no real drama. So what does he do? He texts me today and says this:
"When I get back from vacation, I'm going to get my drinking issue fixed. I hope you know that I'm willing to fight for us. If you don't think it's too late. And I won't resent your feedback. I know I've had a problem with the drinking. I don't want to live like that." (He is going to visit some really good friends of his for a vacation before he gets deployed some time in April this year (military)).
I sat and thought... I told him, I'm willing to fight as long as he is. But that he has to understand that he needs to get really selfish about his recovery and focus on just himself for a while. I told him I'll be doing the same and I am willing to wait for a long period of time while we do this. And I also asked if he was willing to get sober for himself? That this had to be about him, and not for the relationship.
He responded, "Of course it's for me. I am just worried that you'll fall out of love with me if it takes too long. But I guess we can't control that."
I told him, "Because I love you, I want you to be healthy. Time is on our side here..."
Now, I feel really good about my stance. I WANT some time between us because I know that if he really tries to battle this thing, it will probably take a good few tries before he is able to manage sobriety. And if I'm around for that, I'll either get in the way or get upset when my bf doesn't take care of "us" or angry if he slips and drinks again. I am also prepared to keep moving on in my own life and simply hope for the best without having any expectation. I really want him to get healthy for him. Because I just cannot imagine a healthy relationship with someone who isn't healthy themselves. And THAT is why I broke it off in the first place. Even though we are very much in love and breaking if off SUCKS! But it is what it is, and I know what I want.
Am I setting myself up here? I really don't see myself getting involved with anyone new anyway... If I'm okay with whatever the result will be, does this seem healthy to any of you? At this point, I don't think NO contact is necessary. I guess time will tell with that one. I guess time will tell with all of it....
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Only you can decide if you are setting yourself up or not. There is no crystal ball for the future.
Give yourself space. Make him show you through LONG TERM ACTIONS that he can stay sober. If so, revisit the relationship at that time. If not, continue to move forward in your own life. I would give yourself some space so if he does relapse you are not sitting front and center to watch it happen.
Give yourself space. Make him show you through LONG TERM ACTIONS that he can stay sober. If so, revisit the relationship at that time. If not, continue to move forward in your own life. I would give yourself some space so if he does relapse you are not sitting front and center to watch it happen.
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I think the "One Day At A Time" motto is a good one in general. Not just when dealing with addicts. I have a good friend who's dealing with a family member who's dying -- and she says that's her attitude since the diagnosis: Every day is a new day, and that's all you need to deal with.
I think I might be cautious about making any kind of "promises." Rehab, recovery, and sobriety changes a lot. Right now, you feel like you're ready to wait and see, that you're not looking for anyone else. But I found that as the alcoholic relationship lost its grip on me, I felt more and more like my priorities shifted and changed. You might find that your life's path takes you places where there's no room for him -- and he might find the same thing.
I'm glad he's seriously considering getting help, regardless of everything else.
I think I might be cautious about making any kind of "promises." Rehab, recovery, and sobriety changes a lot. Right now, you feel like you're ready to wait and see, that you're not looking for anyone else. But I found that as the alcoholic relationship lost its grip on me, I felt more and more like my priorities shifted and changed. You might find that your life's path takes you places where there's no room for him -- and he might find the same thing.
I'm glad he's seriously considering getting help, regardless of everything else.
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Originally Posted by lillamy 
I think the "One Day At A Time" motto is a good one in general. Not just when dealing with addicts. I have a good friend who's dealing with a family member who's dying -- and she says that's her attitude since the diagnosis: Every day is a new day, and that's all you need to deal with.
I think I might be cautious about making any kind of "promises." Rehab, recovery, and sobriety changes a lot. Right now, you feel like you're ready to wait and see, that you're not looking for anyone else. But I found that as the alcoholic relationship lost its grip on me, I felt more and more like my priorities shifted and changed. You might find that your life's path takes you places where there's no room for him -- and he might find the same thing.
I'm glad he's seriously considering getting help, regardless of everything else.
I think I might be cautious about making any kind of "promises." Rehab, recovery, and sobriety changes a lot. Right now, you feel like you're ready to wait and see, that you're not looking for anyone else. But I found that as the alcoholic relationship lost its grip on me, I felt more and more like my priorities shifted and changed. You might find that your life's path takes you places where there's no room for him -- and he might find the same thing.
I'm glad he's seriously considering getting help, regardless of everything else.
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just be sure you didn't have some hidden agenda (maybe hidden quite well!) that you hope this new "move" will be HIS catalyst. as long as you are ok and do not NEED him to change in order for you to keep BEING ok....time will tell, more will revealed and all that.
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Right Anvil! Before I even told him goodbye, I made damn sure that I was ready to accept that it could be over for good! I'm okay with that. I'm okay with being single. I'm okay with working on myself (codie issues... actually really excited to be working through all of that nonsense and gaining new tools and growing). I'm okay with life going on, regardless... I hope he comes around. I hope he really does the work. But if he doesn't, I'm NOT going to do the guilty thing and chase him to try to help him. I love this man, and I understand he needs to grow.
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Well, here's one thing to consider. You said: I also asked if he was willing to get sober for himself? That this had to be about him, and not for the relationship.
Now, since you put it that way, and he wants to be back in your good graces, what would you expect him to say?
I hope he does get better, and maybe he will. But I'm not sure how much stock I would put in his response to that question. And the fact that he's willing to address it AFTER vacation doesn't sound that promising, either.
I'm not saying he won't make an effort to stay sober for a while. What I'm seeing, as a recovered alcoholic, is someone who is saying what you want to hear so you don't leave him.
Time will tell--as you said. What are you going to be doing in the meantime?
Now, since you put it that way, and he wants to be back in your good graces, what would you expect him to say?
I hope he does get better, and maybe he will. But I'm not sure how much stock I would put in his response to that question. And the fact that he's willing to address it AFTER vacation doesn't sound that promising, either.
I'm not saying he won't make an effort to stay sober for a while. What I'm seeing, as a recovered alcoholic, is someone who is saying what you want to hear so you don't leave him.
Time will tell--as you said. What are you going to be doing in the meantime?
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i once cut loose a perfectly wonderful BF when i was in early recovery (he wasn't an addict) because i realized we were just wanted different things and altho we had a great time and god he was soooooo damn cute, it was never going to be MORE than that - for us.
right before i got married again, i tracked him down.....just to SEE i guess, be SURE, even tho it had been years. we only chatted briefly....same thing was true, we both wanted different things and our lives were lived better apart. and he was still cute. LOL
i heard HE finally got married. not sure how that went. never saw him as the marrying kind. which only means it was never MY JOB to predict his future or HIS outcome. that was totally up to him.
kinda funny, hank today reminds me so much of him, in so many ways. it's almost eerie, like a doppleganger or a peek into the future..........
more is ALWAYS revealed....if we stay open. and true to ourselves!!!
right before i got married again, i tracked him down.....just to SEE i guess, be SURE, even tho it had been years. we only chatted briefly....same thing was true, we both wanted different things and our lives were lived better apart. and he was still cute. LOL
i heard HE finally got married. not sure how that went. never saw him as the marrying kind. which only means it was never MY JOB to predict his future or HIS outcome. that was totally up to him.
kinda funny, hank today reminds me so much of him, in so many ways. it's almost eerie, like a doppleganger or a peek into the future..........
more is ALWAYS revealed....if we stay open. and true to ourselves!!!
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
Well, here's one thing to consider. You said: I also asked if he was willing to get sober for himself? That this had to be about him, and not for the relationship.
Now, since you put it that way, and he wants to be back in your good graces, what would you expect him to say?
I hope he does get better, and maybe he will. But I'm not sure how much stock I would put in his response to that question. And the fact that he's willing to address it AFTER vacation doesn't sound that promising, either.
I'm not saying he won't make an effort to stay sober for a while. What I'm seeing, as a recovered alcoholic, is someone who is saying what you want to hear so you don't leave him.
Time will tell--as you said. What are you going to be doing in the meantime?
Now, since you put it that way, and he wants to be back in your good graces, what would you expect him to say?
I hope he does get better, and maybe he will. But I'm not sure how much stock I would put in his response to that question. And the fact that he's willing to address it AFTER vacation doesn't sound that promising, either.
I'm not saying he won't make an effort to stay sober for a while. What I'm seeing, as a recovered alcoholic, is someone who is saying what you want to hear so you don't leave him.
Time will tell--as you said. What are you going to be doing in the meantime?
True true Lexie. Thank you. I think he means after vacation just because he'll be out of state for this trip, but I'm sure it could also mean that he can drink on this vacation. After all, it is going to be with really old friends... But it's not really my business anymore.
And when I asked him if he wanted to get clean for him or to keep me, he said it was for him. I didn't ever really give him an ultimatum, so as of now, I'm single. And so is he. I said goodbye so there is no real relationship right now. It's just a possibility for the future if things realign. I really wanted this time apart from him for a few reasons. One, I can move on, clean. Two, if it's meant to be, we'll find each other again. Three, I don't want to grow resentment towards him as he flounders getting sober. I'd like to keep my fond memories of him.
I'm still dying inside of heartache and miss him terribly and I cry and can't sleep... blah blah blah... I'm just making a really conscious effort to MAKE real decisions in my life for what I want. This is something totally new to me. Before, in places like this, I might have floundered myself or gone in circles or felt so bad for the other person's pain that I hid my own pain and even feel guilty over it.
Now, I find myself knowing that I am worth it, that I am allowed to have needs and wants and desires. I am finding that the more I learn to say NO when I want to, the closer I get to what I actually want out of life. And making the choice to say to him that I want health, and if he's on board then great, and if not, then God Bless, is something I am trying to put into practice here. I'm sure it won't all go beautiful, but today I feel confident that I am making strides in the right direction. That, at least, I know.... yay! lol...
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Glad you finally had the talk... I'd give him space. You've probably heard the "I'm going to change " line before haven't you? Not saying he won't at all... but give him some time and space. See if he cant commit to fixing himself...
Thinking of you<3
Thinking of you<3
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((((((Hugs)))))) my RAbf and I did the same thing. Split because he needed to focus on his recovery. We were apart for a year with no expectation of getting back together. It worked for us. He is really really trying hard with his recovery, I am.much stronger and healthier and now we're talking about marriage.
It was one of the most difficult years of my life, but so so worth it. I really hope it goes well for you and yours.
It was one of the most difficult years of my life, but so so worth it. I really hope it goes well for you and yours.
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well I know there is all the "ifs" and "maybes" but quite honestly it sounded like a really good conversation. I would be proud of myself if I were you and happy for him. If he comes through, then that's awesome, but if not then...well he doesn't.
It sounded like a really healthy move on your part and I'm proud of ya!
It sounded like a really healthy move on your part and I'm proud of ya!
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OK, this set off my red flag radar- he's deploying in April. After my ex and I returned from a deployment was when his drinking reached monumental, out of control proportions.
He suffered three brain injuries and PTSD, and adding alcohol to that was like gasoline on a fire.
So he's supposedly going to get help after his vacation. Great. Then he'll have a year more or less of enforced sobriety, depending on the deployment. Then he comes home.
I would give him a wide berth after he gets back. Not to be unsympathetic to returning veterans, I was one myself. But it took me a long time to get my head on straight and that was sober, coming home to a family and going to college. An alcoholic or recovering alcoholic returning from a deployment, that adds another layer of craziness onto an already complicated mental and emotional situation.
He suffered three brain injuries and PTSD, and adding alcohol to that was like gasoline on a fire.
So he's supposedly going to get help after his vacation. Great. Then he'll have a year more or less of enforced sobriety, depending on the deployment. Then he comes home.
I would give him a wide berth after he gets back. Not to be unsympathetic to returning veterans, I was one myself. But it took me a long time to get my head on straight and that was sober, coming home to a family and going to college. An alcoholic or recovering alcoholic returning from a deployment, that adds another layer of craziness onto an already complicated mental and emotional situation.
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Originally Posted by HollyC88
Glad you finally had the talk... I'd give him space. You've probably heard the "I'm going to change " line before haven't you? Not saying he won't at all... but give him some time and space. See if he cant commit to fixing himself...
Thinking of you<3
Thinking of you<3
But, yes... Much much space is needed! Thank you!
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Originally Posted by shil2587
((((((Hugs)))))) my RAbf and I did the same thing. Split because he needed to focus on his recovery. We were apart for a year with no expectation of getting back together. It worked for us. He is really really trying hard with his recovery, I am.much stronger and healthier and now we're talking about marriage.
It was one of the most difficult years of my life, but so so worth it. I really hope it goes well for you and yours.
It was one of the most difficult years of my life, but so so worth it. I really hope it goes well for you and yours.
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
An alcoholic or recovering alcoholic returning from a deployment, that adds another layer of craziness onto an already complicated mental and emotional situation.
HMA, will this be the first time you and your boyfriend are separated by a deployment?
Has he been deployed before?
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Originally Posted by SeriousKarma
Hooah!
HMA, will this be the first time you and your boyfriend are separated by a deployment?
Has he been deployed before?
HMA, will this be the first time you and your boyfriend are separated by a deployment?
Has he been deployed before?
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