I called him....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: NJ
Posts: 80
I called him....
Had a moment of intense anxiety this morning and weakness and decided to call me AEXBF. It's only been a week and a half since the break up... I know I should be so hard on myself but I needed to hear his voice and know he was safe. How do I stop being so codependent on him?
He's obviously not worrying about me, how do I make this worrying stop?!
-H
He's obviously not worrying about me, how do I make this worrying stop?!
-H
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, stopping calling him would be a good start. Every time you contact him, or respond when he contacts you, it is sort of like the alcoholic having "just one" drink. It gets you right back into the cycle of worry, panic, etc.
Just as alcoholics have to go through the pain of withdrawal when they quit drinking--not "easing" it by picking up a drink--so too with us. There's a "withdrawal" period that we have to get through, and the only way to do it is to do it. It gets better, but it gets better a lot faster if you don't keep feeding your own addiction.
Just as alcoholics have to go through the pain of withdrawal when they quit drinking--not "easing" it by picking up a drink--so too with us. There's a "withdrawal" period that we have to get through, and the only way to do it is to do it. It gets better, but it gets better a lot faster if you don't keep feeding your own addiction.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 22
Hi
I did the same, nothing had changed, I walked out on him, he was like I`m going to change for you... was back to drinking and furthering his new found relationship (he`s now dating an old friend who he flirted and constantly texted during our relationship, she`s a married woman!)
It took a while but I realised why are you bothering with this!!! It`s just upsetting.
I know it`s really hard but don`t be too harsh on yourself, I think to myself no contact for a month- new shoes! :-D and no heartache or drama
Perhaps start focusing on a new hobby or a new tv series or something to keep your mind distracted!
It`s hard and painful but it WILL get easier. Time is a great healer and you`ll be so proud of yourself for making it :-)
I did the same, nothing had changed, I walked out on him, he was like I`m going to change for you... was back to drinking and furthering his new found relationship (he`s now dating an old friend who he flirted and constantly texted during our relationship, she`s a married woman!)
It took a while but I realised why are you bothering with this!!! It`s just upsetting.
I know it`s really hard but don`t be too harsh on yourself, I think to myself no contact for a month- new shoes! :-D and no heartache or drama
Perhaps start focusing on a new hobby or a new tv series or something to keep your mind distracted!
It`s hard and painful but it WILL get easier. Time is a great healer and you`ll be so proud of yourself for making it :-)
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Holly....I know how hard it is in the beginning. He has been the center of you life for a while. Habits and the bonding that occurs takes a while to "break".
It is like we just feel compelled to touch the stove again to make sure that it is still hot.
(I did it).
Sooo, then we touch the stove again...yep! it is still the same...and the pain is still there.
It will eventually get easier to resist the temptation---as you begin to develop a life that does not have him at the center of it.
dandylion
It is like we just feel compelled to touch the stove again to make sure that it is still hot.
(I did it).
Sooo, then we touch the stove again...yep! it is still the same...and the pain is still there.
It will eventually get easier to resist the temptation---as you begin to develop a life that does not have him at the center of it.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I needed to hear his voice and know he was safe
actually you reached out to him so that YOU would feel "safe" - ah, he's still THERE. your motivation came from the need to feel secure....it's just your methodology in trying to acquire that sensation is still a bit wonky.
relying on the unreliable to FIX us just doesn't work. but just like the addict chasing that first really good hit, you were hoping maybe THIS TIME would be different.
ease up. it's early days. seek out better healthy sources of support. find new coping mechanisms. and then practice using them. baby steps.
actually you reached out to him so that YOU would feel "safe" - ah, he's still THERE. your motivation came from the need to feel secure....it's just your methodology in trying to acquire that sensation is still a bit wonky.
relying on the unreliable to FIX us just doesn't work. but just like the addict chasing that first really good hit, you were hoping maybe THIS TIME would be different.
ease up. it's early days. seek out better healthy sources of support. find new coping mechanisms. and then practice using them. baby steps.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 149
I went no contact right before the holiday....AND....it's the first holiday I've enjoyed in years! Melodrama free!!! It was really hard for me to block his number. I had to post on here about it several times before I worked up the courage. I can tell you that the longer I stay away from him the better I feel. Each time I would talk to him I would backslide right into depression. He is toxic and I simply can't get better while ingesting toxins.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 224
Holly,
I am six months out from my breakup with XABF. I am only now starting to uncover the keys to recovering from my codependence. I tried various meetings, including individual counseling, and found that a CODA meeting is the best fit for me. I have been going for several weeks, and it is a VERY painful experience but definitely worth it. I am working on the first step still, which is accepting that I am powerless over this person (which is the addiction) and that my life (emotional) has become unmanageable. I am struggling with the powerlessness aspect of step 1. As a CODI, it is instinctual for me to want to change the thing (person) that is making me uncomfortable and unhappy. These learned patterns from childhood are hard to break. Mostly because the thought pattern behind the action is subconscious and I have to work very hard to examine my motives and reasoning.
I am coming to terms with the fact that I am helpless to make any change to this broken relationship. I can work on myself and wish all day that that would be enough to rectify what has been lost, but in the end- there are two people here. Both as sick as the other- both with addictions. If my ex was willing to acknowledge it all and work on himself, it would still be years before he would be healthy. I can't do anything about that. I can't make him feel what I feel. I have projected my emotions as if these were his emotions, but it isn't true. If it was, then we would be together.
I also understand wanting to hear his voice. It hasn't been very long for you and the emotions and pain must be quite intense. I wish I could say something here that relieve some of your sadness. These words of truth were of little comfort to me when I was where you are, but they are true none the less- it will take time, but you will heal. It will be hard, but you will get through it. Stay strong and remember that you love yourself more than you love him. We have to get right with ourselves. That is the CODI issue that I see in my own life.
I am six months out from my breakup with XABF. I am only now starting to uncover the keys to recovering from my codependence. I tried various meetings, including individual counseling, and found that a CODA meeting is the best fit for me. I have been going for several weeks, and it is a VERY painful experience but definitely worth it. I am working on the first step still, which is accepting that I am powerless over this person (which is the addiction) and that my life (emotional) has become unmanageable. I am struggling with the powerlessness aspect of step 1. As a CODI, it is instinctual for me to want to change the thing (person) that is making me uncomfortable and unhappy. These learned patterns from childhood are hard to break. Mostly because the thought pattern behind the action is subconscious and I have to work very hard to examine my motives and reasoning.
I am coming to terms with the fact that I am helpless to make any change to this broken relationship. I can work on myself and wish all day that that would be enough to rectify what has been lost, but in the end- there are two people here. Both as sick as the other- both with addictions. If my ex was willing to acknowledge it all and work on himself, it would still be years before he would be healthy. I can't do anything about that. I can't make him feel what I feel. I have projected my emotions as if these were his emotions, but it isn't true. If it was, then we would be together.
I also understand wanting to hear his voice. It hasn't been very long for you and the emotions and pain must be quite intense. I wish I could say something here that relieve some of your sadness. These words of truth were of little comfort to me when I was where you are, but they are true none the less- it will take time, but you will heal. It will be hard, but you will get through it. Stay strong and remember that you love yourself more than you love him. We have to get right with ourselves. That is the CODI issue that I see in my own life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: NJ
Posts: 80
He Called me yesterday.... crying his eyes out... saying he thinks he may have made a mistake and he's regretting his decision now. I told him he's too late- I already signed the lease with my new roommate and he should have thought about it before.
Today's my birthday so I'm missing him a lot but I know its better in the long run...
Today's my birthday so I'm missing him a lot but I know its better in the long run...
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