Need advice for family member
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
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Need advice for family member
My father has become an alcoholic over the years. It is to the point where he only leaves the house to go to work or to get more alcohol. He has become verbally and physically abusive the past couple of years to my family. We have finally had enough of it and are planning on moving out and leaving him. I can't help but feel guilty for the fact that we are abandoning him to his addiction. We have no other choice at this point. He blames his drinking on my mother, but it is pretty clear he uses that as an excuse. I want to leave him and move on with my life, but I don't want him to live out the rest of his life in misery with no family. How do you get help for someone who is arrogant, stubborn, and rather fight with you than listen to your concerns for him?
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Unfortunately you don't. If he doesn't want to get better you can't make him. However, if you all truly do leave him it may make him see how bad things are and propel him to seek sobriety. But, be prepared for nothing to change. It usually doesn't. Many if not most alcoholics don't get sober.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome to SR, dnuman. To answer your question about how to help an alcoholic who doesn't want help--you can't. It's pretty simple, but not easy. The only one who can help him is HIM. HE needs to make the choice to find help and work for recovery. As brutal as that sounds, it's the truth.
Read as much as you can here, making sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. A good place to start is this one: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Checking into Alanon or Celebrate Recovery may be a helpful adjunct to SR, too--it has been for me.
Everyone here is in various stages of dealing with their own problems w/an alcoholic and we all understand how hard it is and how bad you feel. You can find your way thru the pain to peace, and coming here is a good start.
Read as much as you can here, making sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. A good place to start is this one: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Checking into Alanon or Celebrate Recovery may be a helpful adjunct to SR, too--it has been for me.
Everyone here is in various stages of dealing with their own problems w/an alcoholic and we all understand how hard it is and how bad you feel. You can find your way thru the pain to peace, and coming here is a good start.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Hi & welcome.
Good question. Sad answer. You can't.
I spent 20 years with an alcoholic who became increasingly abusive. I tried everything -- from rational arguments to tearful pleading. Nothing helped.
When I finally left, he checked into rehab within 24 hours. Now, mind you, he didn't stay sober. But losing his family was the only consequence he had ever seen from his alcoholism that he couldn't explain away. That he couldn't blame on someone else.
A friend told me then that "leaving him might be the biggest favor anyone has ever done him." And I'd like to pass that along to you.
To get sober, an addict has to want to get sober. For themselves. From their heart. Not because their kid is sad that they drink, not because their wife nags at them. But because they really want to. And maybe losing his family could be the wakeup call your father needs?
How do you get help for someone who is arrogant, stubborn, and rather fight with you than listen to your concerns for him?
I spent 20 years with an alcoholic who became increasingly abusive. I tried everything -- from rational arguments to tearful pleading. Nothing helped.
When I finally left, he checked into rehab within 24 hours. Now, mind you, he didn't stay sober. But losing his family was the only consequence he had ever seen from his alcoholism that he couldn't explain away. That he couldn't blame on someone else.
A friend told me then that "leaving him might be the biggest favor anyone has ever done him." And I'd like to pass that along to you.
To get sober, an addict has to want to get sober. For themselves. From their heart. Not because their kid is sad that they drink, not because their wife nags at them. But because they really want to. And maybe losing his family could be the wakeup call your father needs?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am so sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.
You cannot do another thing for him. Leave him a list of the closest AA meetings, that is all you can do.
I encourage you to seek out Alanon or Celebrate Recovery to deal with the hurts this has brought into your own life.
XXX
You cannot do another thing for him. Leave him a list of the closest AA meetings, that is all you can do.
I encourage you to seek out Alanon or Celebrate Recovery to deal with the hurts this has brought into your own life.
XXX
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
I'm so sorry for what brings you here, but glad you've found us. Please stick around, read, and share if you like. Any and all questions are welcome here.
I'll gently disagree. There is something very crucial you can do for your father ... work your own recovery. There is so much to that in helping the addict through finding help for yourself that I can't even begin to put into words.
Whether he ever chooses recovery or not, your own recovery from being a part of the alcoholic dysfunctional dynamics gives balance. It may completely throw it out of whack for a bit (completely natural and okay), but it can bring balance, compassion and a bit of understanding.
http://www.amazon.com/s?ie=UTF8&page...avier%20Amador
http://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Addicti.../dp/1476709475
I'll gently disagree. There is something very crucial you can do for your father ... work your own recovery. There is so much to that in helping the addict through finding help for yourself that I can't even begin to put into words.
Whether he ever chooses recovery or not, your own recovery from being a part of the alcoholic dysfunctional dynamics gives balance. It may completely throw it out of whack for a bit (completely natural and okay), but it can bring balance, compassion and a bit of understanding.
http://www.amazon.com/s?ie=UTF8&page...avier%20Amador
http://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Addicti.../dp/1476709475
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Btw - verbal, emotional and physical abuse are never okay. It took a long time for me to gain awareness of the emotional abuse in my relationships, but it's just as damaging. Baby steps. In Alanon we talk about the three A's: Awareness, Acceptance and Action.
There are a lot of good books on this (ask if you'd like recommendations) and abuse hotline have info on local resources and meetings. Education, an open mind and courage to grow can lead to personal and family healing.
http://www.thehotline.org
Alanon groups are a good, safe place to be. We're not alone. Others have gone before us, and are walking this journey with us.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings
It's also okay to sit in at any Open AA meetings, if you'd like some insight from that side of things.
There are a lot of good books on this (ask if you'd like recommendations) and abuse hotline have info on local resources and meetings. Education, an open mind and courage to grow can lead to personal and family healing.
http://www.thehotline.org
Alanon groups are a good, safe place to be. We're not alone. Others have gone before us, and are walking this journey with us.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings
It's also okay to sit in at any Open AA meetings, if you'd like some insight from that side of things.
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