newlife15

Well today is day 3. I feel awesome and totally motivated to keep trucking as far as alcohol goes, but emotions are a roller coaster. My problem is these thoughts and reflections of myself. I'm so ashamed of some of the things I have done ) ; I am embarrassed. I recall parts of recent nights and missing chunks that friends had to fill me in on. Being rude to people who I dislike, flirting because the attention gave me some sort of ridiculous sense of "I still got it", stumbling and making really dumb decisions. I've drove buzzed lately and have 2 DWI's in my last 15 years of drinking. UGH. If my friends weren't there to make me leave with them or whatever what would I have done? Who have I become, who is this awful inconsiderate person? I don't have any excuses for my behaviors. I am also thinking about the things I can not heal. Like when I was pregnant with my 3rd child I had this time where I was so certain my husband cheated on me ( not his character at all but different things added up and I still can't let it go). He swears he didn't to this day and has been mad enough at times where he has said if he could tell me he cheated he would just to end my accusations or questions. It's gotten better this last year but I think it's because I drink to not feel it. Maybe that's why I flirt when I drink. To get back at him for what I "think" he did. Either way. I'm just so ashamed feeling today. I feel hermit like and I don't want to end up running into anyone when I go to the grocery store. I feel like hiding from the world. ) = I hate what alcohol has done to myself and most of my family! What a sneaky lying jerk! I might ask my Dr for some anxiety meds to lighten up my feelings until I get through dealing with stuff soberly. Normally I start to remember my crappy drunk nights or to convince myself my hubby never cheated, or my childhood, etc, and I pick up a drink and it's better for a little bit anyhow. Not today though! I'm going to get busy and suck it up!

PurpleKnight

Great job on Day 3!!

Hang in there, it gets better with time as we create a new life for ourselves away from all those past memories!!

MLD51

Newlife - your feelings sound EXACTLY like mine when I first hung up the booze and started facing up to the debris field I had created with my stupid drunk behavior. I'm sober 31 days now, and it does get better every day. I still struggle a lot with the memories and remorse about the pain I caused other people, but I also know that all I can do is keep moving forward. Hopefully, with time, people around me will see the change and begin to trust me again. I find great solace in going to AA meetings and hearing the stories other people tell - they tell my same story over and over. Some of them have been sober for decades, and are living proof that life DOES get better and people DO eventually trust you again. Hang in there. Take good care of yourself.

mavrick

Great job on day 3. Your story is so much like mine, but I'm a man and have never been able to get it across on here like you just have.
Ive got so much identification thankyou so much for sharing your story.
Let's journey through recovery together

JohnZ

Hey hang in there. I'm on Day 3 too - not easy.

Soberwolf

Well done on day 3

it doesnt rain forever my friend

Wastinglife

I know what u are going thru. I was oblivious to how much of a drunken fool I was. I thought I was so funny and charming when had a buzz going. Maybe I was during my early drinking years but for the last 3, 4 years of drinking, I lost all self awareness. I didn't realize when I was being inappropriate or an obnoxious idiot.


I have been sober almost a year but ruminating the whole time as I look back through a sober lense. I guess all these old memories have been flooding back because I never dealt with them at the time.

The good news is that pretty much all alcoholics go thru the same thing. Shame, embarrassment, and regret means we are on the road to recovery!

advbike

Guilt and shame are big motivators to addiction. You have to let it go and move forward. It's also very important to understand that much of the ruinous thinking we experience is created by our ego, or false self, trying to protect us from being hurt but wreaking havoc in the meantime. The ego does not know time, so it may react to an event based on an emotional hurt that one experienced 20 years earlier, or even in childhood.

I highly recommend two books that delve into this - A New Earth, by Eckhart Tolle; and Awareness, by Anthony DeMello.