Vicky

This has been quite a week for me. I just wanted to get some feed back. Not to go through the whole story but to put it short there has been a job change by my hubby (my A) and an increase in the useage. I find myself having deep mental battles. It is almost like I have one person on each shoulder, they are arguing, and my brain is in the middle. I am fighting the old me and old reactions so bad. I don't know why I am having such a hard time. I can usually get to my place of serinity and let go and let God but for some reason this week i have battled hard and it has worn me out. I would go to bed and have to tell myself to just shut up and get to sleep. You get to the point that you wonder if you are the only person in this world that has such a hard time with themselves. Just wondering if anyone else has felt this way and what things helped you.

journeygal

Vicky, I'm going through something very similar right now and it is so hard to fight the old reactions. I keep trying to figure out ways to fix problems that aren't mine to fix and letting go and letting God has been really hard today. But I try to keep reminding myself I'm powerless and I'm constantly praying for peace for myself and hubby.

Hang in there,
JG

Gabe

Battles in my head? Oh yeah. Big, huge, raging battles. Then one day I remembered that I am the landlord and I get to decide who lives in my head. I promptly served a lot of eviction notices. Things have been a lot quieter since then.

Ann

Recovery is about change, and the struggling that comes with it is part of the process. As we struggle, we learn, and that is growth. So just keep growing and grab on the the strength of your recovery. If that is too hard right now, grab on to us, and we'll help you carry the load.

Hugs
Ann

Patsyd1

HI Vicky,

When I chose recovery and began Alanon meetings, one of the things that was shared with me is that the battle in my head is my inability to let go, to hold on no matter what and try to control, the uncontrollable. The internal war is not a bad thing, its a war between me and me. The battle is between the unhealthy me that wants no change, the part of me that fears any kind of change at all, and the me that chooses to do it another way, to accept the things I can not change, people, places and things,.... and courage to change the things I can.... ME.

I had no choices before, I would be in my own head and it would be roaring. Today I have choices about where I want to go. The unhealthy thinking will fight like heck to stay alive and right under that is all the fear of what will happen IF I let go and let God.

It does get better Vicky. I began Alanon meetings and I learned to take care of me, my internal war, my own battles, and to keep it in today and do what I had to do for me.

The war that is raging in your head isn't a bad thing in reality. It simply means that you have decided to do it another way in your heart, a much healthier way for you We do not have to do it alone, there are many others there who have been through this internal war at Alanon meetings, and all you have to do is get to an Alanon meeting and ask for help.



Patsy

splendra

Vicki-

I liked what gabe said about you are the landlord of your brain and you can kick out any freeloaders...... I know this place you speak of all too well find your detachment. Put a good book beside your bed and read yourself to sleep and tell those shoulder sitters that you aren't listening and then don't.....

eveie

I feel them battles too.. I am new to alanon, and been to a few meetings.. so still learning what all this is about.. its hard to live with an alcoholic roommate, trying to save up to move, been to the clinic twice last week, for I suffer from migraines.. argh! Being pumped full of migraine meds thru Iv is not my idea of fun, but it helped, and now I am going to do whats best for ME! Lots of love and prayers needed, trying to sign up for fall semester things are tough, but they only make us stronger.. heres to winning the battles!! My heart is with you, Vicky!

serenity777

Hi (((Vicky)))
I understand what your feeling and going through the same thing. I've met my ASO 6 yrs ago, I was still drinking when I met him, He bought us a home(me and ALL my kids, and grandson, LOL) but about a yr 1/2 later I got sober...then 2 yrs ago, I moved out on my own, but we continued to see each other. I must have broke him 20 times...trying to forget him, trying to kill the love, asking God to take this from me...in Dec. of last year I went to a place for depression for a week......I beat myself up for being WEAK, that I couldn't JUST let go.............WELL, a wonderful counselor said something interesting to me....she said...."If this man is in your head, dont think of it as a negative thing, think of it as a positive thing, your mind is trying to process something, YOU CAN LET IT!!! hmmmmm, ??? You see my whole life I tried to run from pain, ignoring all

JT

Today when I have those battles I have to set aside MY thinking and consult with those that have gone before. That is what my literature and fellowship is for. Sometimes I have to blindly do what I am told.

I have learned the hard way that I can not trust my own reality. I have to hold it up to the program to find my answers.

Hugs,
JT

serenity777

hi again,,,sorry was cut off the computer...didnt really finish my thoughts.....lol
anyway, so i looked back on those 2 yrs and maybe i was just trying to end the pain with out trying to walk through it. Ever hear of Embrace the Pain? when my counselor first told me that i thought What r u crazy,LOL,,but what I am learning, for me, is ....i was running from my pain, my thoughts..lately ive been stopping and taking a look at the thoughts...and when i do i find something interesting happens...peace comes..I get peace because as i look at them and understand them...they begin to lose their power over me or scare me..because i see that some are just lies.....and i find as i look at each thought one at a time...i write it down...and think, think, think....i start to understand which one is an old belief and i come to understand the belief and if it is true for me or not. And where it came from...usually the old tape in my head from childrenhood. The thoughts were all mixed up in my head...like a tangle ball of yarn...I'm learning to take a look at them..and untangle the ball....one knot at a time. My mom used to say..."Oh, just through it out of your head" that didnt work for me...because when i throw them out..they just come back....!!
well, hope that made sense...lol it did to me lol Serenity777

greeneyes67

My sponsor told me from the beginning that the obsessions were my disease. I am powerless over my obsessive thoughts. I have to do the work to have a daily reprieve from my mind. Praying, meetings, sponsor, steps, service and sponsoring others. When I do these things I get whole days of serenity. I love the days when I can just live my life without obsession.

What I realized is I am powerless and I have to stay powerless every day. I never knew there was such power in being powerless. When the obsessions come back and I can't sleep I know there is something I am not doing. Usually for me it is one part of my program I am not doing. Or a resentment I haven't done an inventory on. The 10th step helps me a lot in cleaning house (my mind).

Hope it gets better for you. (((Hugs)))

chess

Battles I had a full blown out war going on in my head and at first the old me seemed to be unbeatable. These days the old me can hold the charge for about 3 minutes and by that time the new me takes over and I find myself calmer and wondering what just happened. Still a lot of work ahead but I'm slowly getting better

Gracey

Quote: I liked what gabe said about you are the landlord of your brain and you can kick out any freeloaders......

I remember reading in a post one time.......about getting a bunch of balloons and writing on them the things in your head that you want to let go of.......What a fun idea.....one by one watching resentment blow away, anger, control and so on......

Vicky

THANKS GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!

I have taken something from each one of your replies!!! Thank you for all your support. It is so wonderfull to know that I am not the only one in this world who is and has gone through this. I got on the phone with my sponsor and dug to sort this whole thing out and just like a few of you said I am looking at this positively that I am changing for the better. And yes I have a few eviction notices to serve in my head as Gabe put it.(THANKS)!! I loved the balloon idea just imagining it puts me in a better place!! It is so great to just know that even through my struggle I will come out better on the other side. I was told the story of the butterfly in a meeting refering to my A but I really think that applies to me right now. I am in my cocoon struggling but in the end I will be that beautiful butterfly. Thanks Again!

Love and Understanding,
Vicky

DefofLov

Hey there Vicky, I am happy you are feeling great and supported. This forum has always made me feel that way.

As everyone else already said, battles is perfectly normal. Not just for us Al-Anon folkz but for every single human being. Life is full of contradictions. What do you think the Higher Power is for. {j/k}

Even though I have been doing very well, there will still be times when I cry and there will be hurt every so often. But turning to my higher power and friends who love me will help me through it. What is life without sorrow and difficulty??? (boring if you ask me) Keep the faith in yourself and a higher power and you will find the happiness you seek.

Blessings coming your way everyday,

~Def