freetosmile

Just a vent, please and thank you.

Two days after dropping my AH off at rehab, he called me. I was overwhelmed with our 5 kids, Christmas looming, pellet stove not working, and impending winter storm.
Wasn't trying to be negative, but rather more blunt with my feelings about it all.
"You are being so negative", says he
"I'm not trying to be, I'm just......" I trailed off
"It's just your personality?" He asks, "Never to late to change".
ok...hmm...that's some food for thought.

Later on in the day I spoke with my sister.

"Why are you acting so happy?" she asks
"I didn't think I was, I was just trying to be more positive", I say.
"Well don't let this rehab thing change who you are!" She says slightly annoyed.

Who I am....change who I am...don't change who I am.....well who the hell am I anyway? I get so lost in the people pleasing I don't even know anymore. I'm not sure, with my background that I have ever really known.

This is what I know about Freetosmile:

I love music. It's my passion. I love heavy metal....not def lepard metal, but the growling, shouting, vibrates your bones metal. I also love yanni, enya, and kitaro.

I love learning. I love people. I hate people.

I believe that God is in every aspect of nature and that our disconnect with the earth through industrialization and technology has really led us to be disconnected with God and with our "true" selves.

I hate it when people are mad at me. I absolutely HATE it and will do whatever I can to find out WHAT I've done and WHAT I need to change to make them happy.

I have a hard time excepting compliments about me. I generally think that people are just faking it to try to make me feel good.

I talk a lot. I mean, I can really talk. People (AH) tell me I talk too much.

I love to debate things. Not argue, but just have a really healthy, educated debate. I like playing devils advocate, even when I don't necessarily agree.

I really like to talk. I like to explore the world with words and I like communication.

I really don't think I am that good of a mom. I worry my kids are going to resent the hell out of me.

I worry a lot! I worry about people dying. Sometimes, when I'm mad at people I force myself to be nice anyway, because I get scared I may never see them again. I worry about EVERYTHING.

Sometimes I think God is sick of me. Sick of me doing the same dumb things over and over.

I love the outdoors. I love to feel the wind in my face. I heard once that the wind is the breath of God.

I guess I don't know much more about me.....who am I? I guess I have a good start with this, but there is so much i just don't know about myself. That makes me sad and also a little angry. Angry that these people around me keep telling me who I am...like they know more than I do.

Hammer

You are so going to Love the Steps.

LexieCat

Hammer's right on--the Steps can really help you become the person you REALLY are--minus some of the things maybe you don't like so much about yourself.

And you also might find that people's assumptions about you don't bother you so much. I'm often misunderstood by people, but it bothers me a lot less than it used to. As some folks around here say, "What other people think of me is none of my business." Not that it NEVER bothers me, but why should I care what some random acquaintance thinks of me? Or some relative I communicate with once in a blue moon? Or even people I'm close to--some misunderstandings must be cleared up for the relationship to continue, but others, meh, not that important.

NWGRITS

I was just going to say, "You are going to have a field day with your Step 4 work." Hammer beat me to it (Nice to see you around again, H-man. You've been missed!).

ladyscribbler

Alanon has made me a much better mom, and you know, working the steps made me realize I'm not as messed up as I thought I was.
Weird as sounds, all that self discovery and scrutiny made it a lot easier to separate out all those other "voices" that told me I was a bad person or a bad mother or just generally unworthy of good treatment.
When I worked my way through the Blueprint for Progress (Alanon step 4), the biggest discovery I made was that I am essentially a good person. The reason all the bad stuff I did stood out in my memory was because it was an anomaly, totally antithetical to the way I normally behave.
I suspect that you will find something similar. My internal monologue was so screwed up from my childhood experiences that it has taken me over a year to recalibrate it (and it's still not perfect, but much better than it was).
I think you will find that you are essentially an awesome person and a kick@$$ mom. Take care of you and the rest will follow.

SeriousKarma

Also...You're a wonderful and colorful writer. You forgot that one.

Regarding the "talking a lot" thing... Yeah, me too. And I don't mean a little bit of a lot, I mean a whole lot of a lot. Like, even when I'm alone. You, Free, are a clever, caring, interesting, genuine person in a world full of boring turds that drone on and on and on.

I say let your Talk Flag fly, my friend. You've never said anything I didn't want to listen to.

NWGRITS

My nickname as a kid was Motormouth, so I understand you on the talking thing. But in my home it was "Don't talk, don't think, don't feel." So I kind of exploded with words at every opportunity. I still do, actually. I have a bad, bad habit of interrupting people.

Katiekate

God most certainly is not sick of you. :P

Yes the steps, awesome stuff!

NYCDoglvr

LOL.... my ex husband (non alcoholic) once asked: "have you ever had one un-uttered thought in your life?"

What I learned is to start listening! It was a big jolt to learn the world doesn't actually turn around me (although I secretly think it should). I learned to stop offering unsolicited advice (very hard). If someone wants my opinion they'll ask (alas, they rarely do). It was far from a snap to realize everyone is entitled to their opinion and I shouldn't set them straight.

Thank you 12 Steps!