waggin

So I ungracefully walked away a few days ago. Stormed out bc he was keeping me awake and had been all night. Im totally ashamed that's how I make my exit. It was fueled by being crabby at 7am and just letting my situation put me on edge. I have not been in control of my emotions for a while now, and I feel guilty about things I've said to him in anger. I'm not sure how to apologize to him for that.
Anyhoo, he's cut off most contact. We msged minimally today to arrange for me to pick up my computer and a couple other things tomorrow. But he's definitely done with this relationship. And it hurts. Like a kick in the gut. He used to make me so happy. How did we wind up here? Everything reminds me of him. Can't eat. Ugh I hate this part.
I know I'm lucky. He was just a boyfriend, not a husband. There are no children in the mix. I cant imagine how difficult that must be bc I'm having a hard enough time. I'll recover and I've learned a lot. I still have to see him tomorrow when I pick up my things. It's going to be hard for me and painful especially if he's cold and non-challant. I'll be so sad if he's wasted because he won't remember it. Safe to say I'll be sad no matter what he's like. I wonder when I'll stop caring if we ever even knew each other. But sometime between work and wallowing in self-pity, I've still found time to think about the next steps for my life and my goals. I'm trying to put my energy there. But I'll need to be able to drive the hour home afterwards. I think I'll bring the dog with me so they can have their goodbyes and then she and I can stop at the beach on the way home. Cheer us up a bit

HerLastNerve

Taking your dog to the beach with you sounds like a wonderful idea, waggin. Please cherish each other ((hugs)).

honeypig

Waggin, you sound very realistic, clear and strong. Yes, you're right, there will be pain and sadness to wade thru. Even though he was "just" a boyfriend and not a husband, you will still be grieving the loss of the hopes and dreams you had, all the same.

You said "how did we wind up here?" Boy, do I relate to that. Somewhere along the road, what seemed so right turned out so wrong...but in my case, at least, all the signs were there at the beginning. I either didn't understand them or chose to ignore them. And ultimately, what matters the most isn't what's behind us but what's ahead of us--and your post sounds as if you know that, too.

I like this thread, and you might too: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html

So do what you have to do about getting your things, and yes, do take your hound with you. Stopping at the beach on the way home w/her sounds like a beautiful idea.

Wishing you strength and clarity and hound love!

dandylion

waggin.....it is understandable that you would have painful emotions, just now. Any relationship where you have invested yourself is painful at the break-up.
Just remember that it is short-term pain for the long-term gain!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't blame yourself! He kept you up all night---sleep deprivation is a form of torture that is used in prisoner-of-war camps.

Trust me....it won't always feel like this. after the initial, necessary, grieving period is over, your zest for a better life and better relationships will resurface.
Just don't let him cause you to doubt yourself or sway you from your position!!

dandylion

waggin

Ugh that was a really good read, honeypig. I have to depuff my eyes again!
We just spoke this morning. He broke my laptop, he says by accident. Ive seen him throw or punch things, they get broken, and tells his mom or whomever it was an accident. So i dont believe it but I dont care. He's found a new one at the store and I'll have to pick it up today. So I cant bring the doggy : / Kinda bummed about that.
He sounded really good on the phone, both last night and this morning. He wasnt wasted or moody. I miss him so much. This is going to suck big-time.

dandylion

waggin.....Repeat this many times each day: "This may suck--but I will be a stronger and free woman when it is done".

Remember that the "nice" guy during the day is the SAME guy who will torment you tonight and break your computer to boot!

dandylion

waggin

Haha very good point! Thank you guys

bird13

dandylion- hahahaha. I firmly believe sleep deprivation is a form of torture too. so funny.


Waggin,
The crazy thing about A's are if you want them back, most of the time you can have them back. And then end it. And then back again. And then end it. I used to think this stuff was permanent, and my ex made me feel that way too that he was "really done this time." All baloney and control tactics. In the end it was all up and down up and down until I finally was like, " Ok now I am done. " And I made that decision from a sober healthy place which makes it easier to stick to unlike them probably. Funny, when I was done with him I saw that he really was never going to leave forever all those times he just liked to "sound okay" and make me think he was mad at me more than I was at him to some how regain the control. disgusting and it got old once I learned about the disease more and the games. If he had magical strength to stay away forever, what is the loss anyway. (he isn't sober- scary future ahead)


Considering that may make it easier right now. In the immediate. And long term- you can also now have some quiet time to just chill/relax/ and see if YOU want him in your life in the future and make that decision. I wouldn't play up into the emotional torture he may drag you through when you go there because it always sucks when you end up begging the Alcoholic and they seem to love that part. Your strength lies in your time away right now to think about things, and see what you really don't need in your life anymore that he may bring to the table. I had a long list, I wrote it all down. You probably know deep down that he is not in a good place, for anyone right now, any other person in the world would not be happy with Alcoholism. Make that list and read it everyday. This morning I even thought. I have cried a lot less without him than I did with him in my life. I miss him and it is hard, but if I wanted him back tomorrow I could probably have him after he tortures me for a bit - and then I get all his alcoholism back too which then I say "Nah, I am good. Let me forge on one more day.." One day at a time.

waggin

Wow just typed a long description of what happened. And then my battery died and i lost it all. Lol! I'm using my smartphone and it does weird things when I type on these boards. There's a limited view so editing/proofing is difficult. I dont know, it's just awkward. Sorry in advance for sentence frags and misspellings
Long post short, we're going to agree to live apart but still see each other. We basically were cohabitation from june-mid November. It was stressful bc i was learning what this was. What his deal with alcohol really was. It was up close and personal and I was very attached. So I held his hand and sat by his side and waited on him when I wasnt working, commuting, eating, sleeping or pooping. Lol But it was heart-wrenching and exhausting I can still work on my life while I have my space. I will absolutely need to still hang on these here boards throughout this experiment... for that reason. I get it will likely still not work. But I care a great deal for him and I want him to get well. I will also be getting hooked up with a therapist soon to discuss why perhaps I do this to myself. Lol
He had been drinking today when I got there at 3:15pm. And he apologized as he drank vodka in front of me. I said, "Don't apologize. This is YOUR thing." And i was relaxed. He wanted me to stay but I had to get home for the doggy and I also didnt want to stay for this. It's in the back of my mind that a trip to the hospital will be in order soon. But it's not consuming me in the least. If i were there tonight i know what it'd be like. Im nurse waggin and its not my responsibility. So im home watching cartoons and having a brownie. I will sleep tonight. Aaahhh. Im getting to bed early (well, early for me ) so I can go to the beach before work. Going oceanside to type that document for my license. The doggy and i have a beachdate on monday to make up for today. So I'm keeping distance, working on "me." Still learning

waggin

Bird13 I agree. The yo-yo thing is pretty remarkable. A few years ago I had a 3 yr relationship with another alcoholic (different bc he worked 60hrs a week and never seemed to detox) and it happened there too. We took like 5 short and 3 long breaks over 4 years. We were ridiculous.

bird13

haha, lost your list!!!! lols. It is so exhausting isn't it! And for them , it is just a part of their "normal" life. It is not as exhausting to the A as it is to us. That's how the disease wears and tears at us. I finally got that through my head.

I am glad you already know about it ...I thought this was your first rodeo.lol. You know the dance then.

waggin

Oh I absolutely didnt mean that I knov the ropes. I was so oblivious for I that other lationship. This current relationship is giving me answers to that old scenario. I think bc current abf is like the stuff from movies. The previous A was a much less obvious version.
That aexbf is actually 8+ months sober now. He's kicking butt. Im just going around, trying out all the As. Geesh lol