how are people communicate?
Don't Blink
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 342
how are people communicate?
Seriously though... I don't have any real friends left. My best friend lives hours away and our lives are SO different now. . . and my other 2 "friends"... well one stopped coming around when she got pregnant, and the other stopped coming around when I quit drinking. I've embarrassed myself numerous times in front of my husbands friends... /sigh. What DO people do?? Where do I even start.. and what the heck do I even have to offer in a friendship right now?? I'm back in high school it seems.( Too "good" to be a bad kid, and too messed up to be a good kid) I've started talking to a woman in AA but I don't want my whole life to revolve around my sobriety 24/7. Can't I just do something NORMAL?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
almost all my old friends were drinkers...I had to make new friends, and that takes time. I was lucky I had some old pre-drinking years friends to call on.
Think about what you like to do...hobbies interests...maybe a little volunteering in your community - get out and be around people as a non drinker.
The time came when my recovery became automatic, but that took time too...
Personally, I don't think it's a bad thing at all to be recovery focused for a while...there's many slippery sections along the road to recovery.
Just add a little balance - like I suggested?
Noone gets sober to have a miserable life
D
Think about what you like to do...hobbies interests...maybe a little volunteering in your community - get out and be around people as a non drinker.
The time came when my recovery became automatic, but that took time too...
Personally, I don't think it's a bad thing at all to be recovery focused for a while...there's many slippery sections along the road to recovery.
Just add a little balance - like I suggested?
Noone gets sober to have a miserable life
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,355
Maybe your husbands friends will see a new you (if you were considering trying to make friends with thrm (. I think most people will see a change in you being sober and I would think they would be a lot more forgiving. Do you like to run, lift weights, read books... what do you do for fun and can you get out and meet more people that way?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Well, I understand your predicament. I have two friends from high school with whom I've never been out of contact. They were extremely supportive when I got sober. However, at the time I got sober they were both married and had kids. I got married and now have two children but they had their kids at 27 and their kids are in high school or graduating college. I had my first at 40 and my kids are in first and fourth grades. So we are not in sync because of the demands of each are different. I need sitters still and will for a while and they don't.
And I go to AA. I've become friendly with two women from AA. When I talk to them it's not all about recovery or AA. I think if you hang out in AA you eventually will find people with whom you can become friends and would have been friends even if you met them outside AA. I almost never talk AA stuff with the two AA women but if I am having issues I do reach out to them because they understand and being further along in sobriety can give me good suggestions or input. They understand where my sober friends don't necessarily do so.
And yes, you can do something normal. I wouldn't reject an AA person just because of that. It won't all be revolving around sobriety 24/7 after a while. In the beginning I found it just needed to be that way.
And I go to AA. I've become friendly with two women from AA. When I talk to them it's not all about recovery or AA. I think if you hang out in AA you eventually will find people with whom you can become friends and would have been friends even if you met them outside AA. I almost never talk AA stuff with the two AA women but if I am having issues I do reach out to them because they understand and being further along in sobriety can give me good suggestions or input. They understand where my sober friends don't necessarily do so.
And yes, you can do something normal. I wouldn't reject an AA person just because of that. It won't all be revolving around sobriety 24/7 after a while. In the beginning I found it just needed to be that way.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,042
Originally Posted by erin8 
Can't I just do something NORMAL?
Be patient if it takes a while.
I'm very new too, both to "doing something" (besides drinking) and "friends." I'm kind of experimenting. Learning how to chat with someone.
Where do you start? Good question. I pretty much am starting by asking a person to coffee, seeing how it goes. I kind of look around for people who I don't associate with drinking and who are friendly -- generally people at work or in my neighborhood I've ignored for years while I've been drunk! It's all very strange.
It's going to take time for it to feel comfortable. Be patient with yourself, and use your alone time to plan exotic vacations, read great biographies, or something else that will give you lots to talk about when you do make new friends!
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by erin8
...I don't want my whole life to revolve around my sobriety 24/7. Can't I just do something NORMAL?
As for making friends, ask an acquaintance from work to see a movie, or go shopping with you. Discover what your interest are and seek out those that share it. Take a class. Look at who's chatting with you and nurture those relationship into the early phase of friendship.
You've made friends before, you can again.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,511
I think that recovery has to be a part of your life, and a priority, but as others have said, there are other places to meet people and make friends. Volunteering was a huge help to me and I met some wonderful people there.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,511
I think that recovery has to be a part of your life, and a priority, but as others have said, there are other places to meet people and make friends. Volunteering was a huge help to me and I met some wonderful people there.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Parkman OH
Posts: 114
but I don't want my whole life to revolve around my sobriety 24/7
I drove every person away while drinking, those that were around were just like me. Those people I do not need in my life today if I am to stay sober. I hope through my actions now, and in the future that some of the bridges can be mended to those I do care for.
Am I lonely? Yes, very, my sobriety needs to be first though as I really need to learn how to deal with people being sober. I don't know how to do this and it hurts to see others around me being at social ease with those around them. With out alcohol greasing the wheels I a lot of the times feel alienated even around those I know would understand.
Sobriety needs to be first, as the rest is a lost cause if I go back out and drink.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
I get what you are saying, erin. I agree with the others that in the first couple months it's good to put sobriety as our absolute priority, and it's also beneficial to keep leading our lives in the context of recovery in the longer haul. But I agree that focusing all of our thoughts and actions on sobriety without other types of enrichment in our lives can sometimes be counterproductive -- it can create a new obsession instead of balance.
For me, the only thing I do now which is directly recovery-oriented is SR, and it still provides some structure and meaning to my days. But in the 3D world I prefer to engage in activities that provide to a few of my other interests, and that's how I also like to connect with people, find new friends, etc now. My socializing and communication style has always been this way: very strongly driven by my interests and so quite subjectively motivated by default. I don't usually get a lot out of socializing just for the sake of socializing, much more if it's coupled with substance and interests shared with the other people involved. I find this a very easy way to connect with others because naturally there will be interesting topics to discuss for everyone. So in practical terms, I like to take classes and meet people there, online boards like this but with other focus and same mechanism, go to places that interest me and if possible, meet people there randomly, or commit to larger and more long-term projects and work on them with others that are similarly interested. Many different ways to make connections via shared interests and activities and they can be all kinds. And because I am interested in these, usually find them meaningful and have at least a certain level of motivation to do them. For me, even my work has always been subjectively-driven -- if not, I tend to lose interest quickly and then won't do it, so I feel I need to stick with this approach.
I would say, find one thing at first that you feel an interest in (preferentially something that can have social components also) and explore -- see what happens!
For me, the only thing I do now which is directly recovery-oriented is SR, and it still provides some structure and meaning to my days. But in the 3D world I prefer to engage in activities that provide to a few of my other interests, and that's how I also like to connect with people, find new friends, etc now. My socializing and communication style has always been this way: very strongly driven by my interests and so quite subjectively motivated by default. I don't usually get a lot out of socializing just for the sake of socializing, much more if it's coupled with substance and interests shared with the other people involved. I find this a very easy way to connect with others because naturally there will be interesting topics to discuss for everyone. So in practical terms, I like to take classes and meet people there, online boards like this but with other focus and same mechanism, go to places that interest me and if possible, meet people there randomly, or commit to larger and more long-term projects and work on them with others that are similarly interested. Many different ways to make connections via shared interests and activities and they can be all kinds. And because I am interested in these, usually find them meaningful and have at least a certain level of motivation to do them. For me, even my work has always been subjectively-driven -- if not, I tend to lose interest quickly and then won't do it, so I feel I need to stick with this approach.
I would say, find one thing at first that you feel an interest in (preferentially something that can have social components also) and explore -- see what happens!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Oregon
Posts: 1,536
One of the things that changed in me was the needing to be with people vs wanting to be with people. I didn't realize how addicted I was to activity and people and going, going, going all of the time. Getting comfortable just being me all by myself was a new thing. But once my brain quieted down, things kinda fell in place. Give yourself some time and be very kind to yourself. The better you take care of YOU, the better friend you will be.
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