Another chance?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Fredericksburg, VA
Posts: 27
Another chance?
It's a long story. My AXH and I truly love each other. It was a bad rollercoaster since we married 12 years ago with alcohol/drug abuse and he left twice when he felt his needs weren't met. But we continued because of the love between us. Over the last year, he's been a mess, drinking heavily with consequences living apart. He wants to come home. I've been going to alanon and feeling the serenity of living without fear and anxiety. I want to believe he can recover and will continue going to AA and practicing sobriety but he's emotionally devastated we aren't together and I'm both scared and heartbroken. I thought we could date, enjoy some good times, and grow together and maybe one day, live together again. But he's in a big hurry. He hates living with his mom but the only other option is a sobriety house, as he doesn't work full time and doesn't make enough money, hasn't worked full time most of his life. I love this man-love his heart and soul. But I don't want to be stuck in the same relationship where I'm working full time, paying all the bills, caring to his mental/physical illness. As I married him, I feel the obligation through it all so I feel selfish, which is what he calls me in addition to cold and uncaring. But I see our relationship as very codependent. I have a big sense of responsibility to work hard at home and at the office while he likes to take it easy, work when he has to, and likes the idea of being poor together, as long as we're together. Not popular in this culture. I know he has a lot to overcome with his recovery and his emotional age is very young. But can this work? Do I give him another chance? My heart hurts-he cries and begs on the phone and I don't want anyone else. I just want peace. Can you relate to the feelings involved? And the heartbreak of hurting someone you love dearly? I just don't have the boundaries thing down and don't see how anything will change. He's never had lasting sobriety since I've known him and he's been abusing drugs/alcohol since 13 or something close. I don't want to be apart-just don't want to live together. He can't do that-needs the close proximity and lots of time together. I can't think of any way to make it work for both of us. And I worry for his life.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
I'm sorry you are so conflicted about this. We can't tell you what to do, but if it were me, I would not allow him to live with me until he could show at least one year of continuous sobriety while working a strong program.
I know you love him, but living with his mother, while uncomfortable for him, won't hurt him. The reason these things are going on in his life is due to his bad choices and he needs to feel the full consequences of those bad choices.
If you take him back, you can lay down all the ground rules you want, but the fact is, you cannot force him to abide by them and then you'll be stuck in the same situation you were in before.
You divorced him for a reason.
I know you love him, but living with his mother, while uncomfortable for him, won't hurt him. The reason these things are going on in his life is due to his bad choices and he needs to feel the full consequences of those bad choices.
If you take him back, you can lay down all the ground rules you want, but the fact is, you cannot force him to abide by them and then you'll be stuck in the same situation you were in before.
You divorced him for a reason.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Paki, if you do take him back, you know where it will end, so I guess your decision is whether it's worth it for you. Close your eyes and picture how it will be. Are you ready for that again. The pressure you're under now will be replace by different pressures.
It seems to me that you have a mother/child relationship with your husband, except you're healthy enough to recognise that it's wrong. Some people who become addicted very young seem to miss out on the time when it's normal to mature into adulthood, ready to take responsibility and make a contribution.
He's acting like a child to you; crying, not taking responsibility for himself, looking to be rescued, wanting a comfortable life with none of the responsibility that involves, wanting it NOW. It's that wish for instant gratification that addiction fosters.
Because you love him, you're reacting like a mummy at an emotional level, even though you know rationally that's not right.
Most women want their own children and a partner who is an adult. Is that your dream for the future? It doesn't sound like you'll get it from him.
It seems to me that you have a mother/child relationship with your husband, except you're healthy enough to recognise that it's wrong. Some people who become addicted very young seem to miss out on the time when it's normal to mature into adulthood, ready to take responsibility and make a contribution.
He's acting like a child to you; crying, not taking responsibility for himself, looking to be rescued, wanting a comfortable life with none of the responsibility that involves, wanting it NOW. It's that wish for instant gratification that addiction fosters.
Because you love him, you're reacting like a mummy at an emotional level, even though you know rationally that's not right.
Most women want their own children and a partner who is an adult. Is that your dream for the future? It doesn't sound like you'll get it from him.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
As I married him, I feel the obligation through it all so I feel selfish, which is what he calls me in addition to cold and uncaring.
Marriage, as someone here said, is not a mutual suicide pact.
You have every right to set boundaries that you can live with. You have every right to live free from the consequences of someone else's addiction. You have the right to say "I want to continue living separately for now." That is no more selfish than his pushing you to do something you're not ready for.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Fredericksburg, VA
Posts: 27
Thank you for all your support. I want everything to be okay and it hurts me incredibly deep to see him in complete pain,depression, and hopelessness. I will reread your posts so that it can sink in-I'm so lost I can't figure out anything anymore.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
A pretty good prediction to someone’s future is with their past history.
Unless your husband had made some amazingly big and major drastic changes towards becoming sober and remaining sober, then nothing really has changed has it?
If he truly wanted to change his life and not just his address, he’d be moving heaven and earth and you would be witnessing big changes. But it doesn’t sound like he’s doing anything different then he’s done all the other times he’s said he wants to be sober.
Often their words sound better because our fears have grown and drive us to believe and hang hope on every single word they say. We bargain with ourselves that this time it’s going to be different, this time he really means it, this time I’m more prepared – bla bla bla…..
Unless your husband had made some amazingly big and major drastic changes towards becoming sober and remaining sober, then nothing really has changed has it?
If he truly wanted to change his life and not just his address, he’d be moving heaven and earth and you would be witnessing big changes. But it doesn’t sound like he’s doing anything different then he’s done all the other times he’s said he wants to be sober.
Often their words sound better because our fears have grown and drive us to believe and hang hope on every single word they say. We bargain with ourselves that this time it’s going to be different, this time he really means it, this time I’m more prepared – bla bla bla…..
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Paci....you have asked, very straight forward...."Can this work?". I will tell you, very straight forward, that all I have experienced, and all that I have learned, otherwise....
my answer is NO. I will bet everything that I own that it would be the same--only, worse, this next time around.
This is what I would tell anyone that I love. That I love enough to tell them the truth.
dandylion
my answer is NO. I will bet everything that I own that it would be the same--only, worse, this next time around.
This is what I would tell anyone that I love. That I love enough to tell them the truth.
dandylion
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
So is there a reason this guy cannot work a full-time job?
No disrespect here, as I have been single head of household for many years, and I know what it takes to get up and go to work each and eveyday, but his insistant need to come home and be cared for would leave me feeling like his cash cow. WTH?
Agree with lillamy here, romancing being poor together? Really? How would that enrich your life?
I can completely understand why you are not in a big rush for him to move back in with you.
No disrespect here, as I have been single head of household for many years, and I know what it takes to get up and go to work each and eveyday, but his insistant need to come home and be cared for would leave me feeling like his cash cow. WTH?
Agree with lillamy here, romancing being poor together? Really? How would that enrich your life?
I can completely understand why you are not in a big rush for him to move back in with you.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I STRONGLY advise against moving in together. Let him figure his own life out. Of course he wants to move back, so you can take care of everything instead of mom. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I have to hope you can keep your eyes wide open on this issue. Keep working on you, you deserve it!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Paci,
Go back and read what you wrote. Now if your best friends was "you" and read what she has gone through and she asked you if she should let her husband back in, what would you say????
You are finally strong enough to do what you have been doing. He sees that you are thriving. He sees that you still love him and he is working that card. Of course he wants to move in, you let him drink, not work and do what ever he keeps doing. His mom is probably tired of it and wants him out. She is making his life miserable.
If he wasn't drinking and working a program he wouldn't be doing the stuff he is doing. So you aren't together because of the stuff he was doing, and now you are thinking about taking him back because ... why? He's changed? Not really. I am not recommending one way or another, but some times when we see something in black and white, we can understand it better.
Its very hard, I just divorced my AH after 34 years together and it makes me so so sad. But it is my life and I have to love from a distance. I pray one day he sees the light and gets help for himself. But taking them in and making his life "so" much better is in no way going to make him see the light. You will be enabling him to stay sick!!
((((((((((hugs)))))))))
Go back and read what you wrote. Now if your best friends was "you" and read what she has gone through and she asked you if she should let her husband back in, what would you say????
You are finally strong enough to do what you have been doing. He sees that you are thriving. He sees that you still love him and he is working that card. Of course he wants to move in, you let him drink, not work and do what ever he keeps doing. His mom is probably tired of it and wants him out. She is making his life miserable.
If he wasn't drinking and working a program he wouldn't be doing the stuff he is doing. So you aren't together because of the stuff he was doing, and now you are thinking about taking him back because ... why? He's changed? Not really. I am not recommending one way or another, but some times when we see something in black and white, we can understand it better.
Its very hard, I just divorced my AH after 34 years together and it makes me so so sad. But it is my life and I have to love from a distance. I pray one day he sees the light and gets help for himself. But taking them in and making his life "so" much better is in no way going to make him see the light. You will be enabling him to stay sick!!
((((((((((hugs)))))))))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
It is up to him to choose to be sober and to be a responsible adult.
If you let him live with you again, it doesn't sound like you will be giving him the opportunity to do either one.
Don't feel guilty--his decisions have put him where he is and only better decisions on his part can help him free himself of his addiction.
I think you are doing the loving thing by stepping back and respecting his ability to take charge of his own recovery.
It is really hard, but what does your heart tell you is best right now for both of you?
If you let him live with you again, it doesn't sound like you will be giving him the opportunity to do either one.
Don't feel guilty--his decisions have put him where he is and only better decisions on his part can help him free himself of his addiction.
I think you are doing the loving thing by stepping back and respecting his ability to take charge of his own recovery.
It is really hard, but what does your heart tell you is best right now for both of you?
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 809
It sounds like he's desperate and wanting you to "take care of him" and/or "fix him" because nothing is going right.
I say take care of you. Forget about him. Until he can take care of himself, that is.
I say take care of you. Forget about him. Until he can take care of himself, that is.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
I see lots of manipulation and quacking on his part, but nothing that resembles love. If nothing has changed, then why consider taking him back? He obviously isn't working a program. If he were, you wouldn't be dealing with this. He would be improving, not trying to weasel his way back into your bank account.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Fredericksburg, VA
Posts: 27
I guess I've been living in a different reality, where it was just the two of us, connecting because we found love when it seemed everyone was in love with money and material things. With the reality of bills, stability, and health, our life together looks really bad-there were so many traumatic things that happened that I can't ever erase, although the memory will fade. I believe he has issues, perhaps most who abuse substances do, that impact his mental health. So I have had compassion for that and wanted more than anything for him to be okay. I know you see the reality and through the dependency on both sides. I thought I was doing the right thing for both of us in taking the time to start again. I always believed it would be okay, just get through the nasty events, just like I did when I was growing up. Even now, I have a hard time with the reality. My hopes are all I ever had. I was never closer to anyone than I was with him. I just want you to know I appreciate your strength, truth, and wisdom. I guess I can't imagine anyone saying to give it another try although I almost did so many times.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 970
you know Paci, suffering in one form or another , whether it be anger, depression, rage, etc. is our Greatest teacher IF we let it. Most people don't change until the pain becomes unbearable. So, watching someone suffer is also watching them have the opportunity to grow IF we don't pick them up and enable them for our own reasons - ie. it's hurts ME to see him hurt. Many times , we have to look at what we're looking for from fixing this situation and instead of trying to make it happen through another, we need to learn how to give it to ourselves, therefore breaking the dependency cycle. Suffering is what can crack us open and make us Wake Up , if we let it. So, don't be afraid of suffering , it's a blessing in disguise.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,256
Hi Paci,
So sorry for your situation. It appears that you love him, and that it is very painful for you to see him hopeless and demoralized.
Why not ask him to stay sober for six continuous months and attend AA regularly. If he is able to do that, then consider giving it another try at moving in together. This is just my opinion.
So sorry for your situation. It appears that you love him, and that it is very painful for you to see him hopeless and demoralized.
Why not ask him to stay sober for six continuous months and attend AA regularly. If he is able to do that, then consider giving it another try at moving in together. This is just my opinion.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Hi Paci - I's really sorry this is happening.
I wouldn't advise returning to this relationship. I am very sorry that he struggles so terribly. Mental illness is an awful affliction. BUT, in most cases it can be managed. It sounds like from your feeds that your X has been admitted for his mental illness a myriad of times. Has there ever been success in treating it? Does he come off his meds?
My husband is Bi-Polar. His BP has been managed well. I lived with him for a year unmanaged and I would rather l would rather live in a hole in the ground than ever live with unmanaged mental illness again.
You state that you no longer wish to be the only one working with the responsibility of bills as well as the responsibility of care taker. I am afraid that if you let him move back in not much will change in that department. He has been unemployed (for the most part) for 12 years. I don't see a good outlook for that changing.
Mental illness requires a dedication much like recovery from alcoholism. Monthly visits to Pdoc and psychologist, and activities which will help keep the demons under control. Without this its very similar to a alcoholic trying to moderate their drinking.
So for me not only would I need to see dedication to recovery, I would also need to see the above. They go hand in hand. Without getting that mental illness under control its unlikely that he will ever get sober.
I wouldn't advise returning to this relationship. I am very sorry that he struggles so terribly. Mental illness is an awful affliction. BUT, in most cases it can be managed. It sounds like from your feeds that your X has been admitted for his mental illness a myriad of times. Has there ever been success in treating it? Does he come off his meds?
My husband is Bi-Polar. His BP has been managed well. I lived with him for a year unmanaged and I would rather l would rather live in a hole in the ground than ever live with unmanaged mental illness again.
You state that you no longer wish to be the only one working with the responsibility of bills as well as the responsibility of care taker. I am afraid that if you let him move back in not much will change in that department. He has been unemployed (for the most part) for 12 years. I don't see a good outlook for that changing.
Mental illness requires a dedication much like recovery from alcoholism. Monthly visits to Pdoc and psychologist, and activities which will help keep the demons under control. Without this its very similar to a alcoholic trying to moderate their drinking.
So for me not only would I need to see dedication to recovery, I would also need to see the above. They go hand in hand. Without getting that mental illness under control its unlikely that he will ever get sober.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Originally Posted by Paci 
I guess I've been living in a different reality, where it was just the two of us, connecting because we found love when it seemed everyone was in love with money and material things. (Red Flag. Disney Princess syndrome.)
With the reality of bills, stability, and health, our life together looks really bad-there were so many traumatic things that happened that I can't ever erase, although the memory will fade. (red flag as I bet a fair amount of this was self inflicted by addiction and it's fall out. Also what were you ignoring?)
I believe he has issues, perhaps most who abuse substances do,(red flag)
that impact his mental health. (Red flag)
I thought I was doing the right thing for both of us in taking the time to start again. (Red flag for Paci. Start what? You are the one working, sober and paying all the bills.)
I always believed it would be okay, just get through the nasty events, just like I did when I was growing up. (Red Flag for Paci. Sounds like you are trying to resolve childhood issues. See a therapist.)
Even now, I have a hard time with the reality. (Truth!)
My hopes are all I ever had. (Yes with a mate like your ex and childhood issues, this is very likely true.)
I was never closer to anyone than I was with him. (Did you ever give anyone normal a chance? I bet normal people are alien and weird to you. You seek someone to save I suspect. See ACOA section here)
I guess I can't imagine anyone saying to give it another try although I almost did so many times. (This man has done nothing to earn your trust for another try. You are in serious denial and addicted to this person. You are still overlaying a romantic varnish over an addict who is active, no job, and lives with his mother.).
With the reality of bills, stability, and health, our life together looks really bad-there were so many traumatic things that happened that I can't ever erase, although the memory will fade. (red flag as I bet a fair amount of this was self inflicted by addiction and it's fall out. Also what were you ignoring?)
I believe he has issues, perhaps most who abuse substances do,(red flag)
that impact his mental health. (Red flag)
I thought I was doing the right thing for both of us in taking the time to start again. (Red flag for Paci. Start what? You are the one working, sober and paying all the bills.)
I always believed it would be okay, just get through the nasty events, just like I did when I was growing up. (Red Flag for Paci. Sounds like you are trying to resolve childhood issues. See a therapist.)
Even now, I have a hard time with the reality. (Truth!)
My hopes are all I ever had. (Yes with a mate like your ex and childhood issues, this is very likely true.)
I was never closer to anyone than I was with him. (Did you ever give anyone normal a chance? I bet normal people are alien and weird to you. You seek someone to save I suspect. See ACOA section here)
I guess I can't imagine anyone saying to give it another try although I almost did so many times. (This man has done nothing to earn your trust for another try. You are in serious denial and addicted to this person. You are still overlaying a romantic varnish over an addict who is active, no job, and lives with his mother.).
Paci, if you are not in counseling, I highly recommend it. I would call a DV shelter for a referral. You need someone skilled in addiction, denial, and relationships with manipulative men. They would know who has this sort of skill set. Keep going to Al Anon for sure. If there is anyway you can go no contact with this man, I would. You are addicted to him.
There are a lot of threads here of women addicted to their addict mates. You are not alone.
You DESERVE a mate equal to you. Someone sober. Someone who can hold you at night but also has a job and can pay the bills. Someone who is not going to put alcohol, drugs, porn, gambling in front of you in his hierarchy.
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