guava

A bit of background...after years of dealing with the merry-go-round of my husband's drinking I decided I'd had enough. Everything has been filed, he even signed my parenting plan (yay!) and we are down to the final hearing set for February 17th.

I've been doing well...not as many face to face Alanon meetings as I'd like but I'm on the phone bridge twice a week, go to individual therapy and have been reading about my own role in this (co-dependency) so I can emerge a better person. Plus of course spending time here with you all reading and learning.

About a month ago my husband was complaining about not knowing what to do...physically, financially, emotionally, etc. He's kind of a mess so I sent him an email with a list of resources. Through my job I have some great benefits...from access to legal services that would walk him through bankruptcy to health insurance that covers rehab. I laid out all the information so he had phone numbers to call and policy numbers, etc. I told him I was giving him all that information because I wanted him to know that help (free help!) was out there for him if he wanted it but it was up to him to take action.

Anyway, now, in what feels like the 11th hour, my husband has decided he wants to give rehab a try. He called the one place I had listed in my email but it was of course a 30 day minimum and he doesn't want to miss Christmas...blah blah blah. He's now halfway through his 3 1/2 week break and says he wants help finding a place that isn't quite as hardcore as the 2-day detox hospital he went to 1 1/2 years ago.

My question is (finally, right?) how much should I help him? He'd probably do up to a week somewhere if I arranged it which would get him through detox. While my head is saying &(;/%# him let him help himself! I look at my son and think how much he needs a sober daddy and perhaps I should help one more time before my husband loses his benefits (which he will approx. 30 days after our divorce is final.) Advice?

LexieCat

Honestly? I wouldn't. There are free resources out there. If he wants to, he can do the "hardcore" 2-day detox--that's all you need for medical safety. AA is free, Salvation Army is free. If he wants help, he can do it with or without insurance. I see this as nothing more than a gesture--and a pretty weak, lame one, at that.

shil2587

Not as hardcore as 2 days??!! So he doesn't want anything that requires time, effort or commitment. Yeah, doesn't sound like he wants sobriety. It sounds like you've done everything you can and should. I wouldn't take his quacking seriously. He's not even willing to do 2 days, why should you do anything at all?

FeelingGreat

I see what you're saying guava, but do you think he's committed enough for it to be successful? I mean he's left it until now to want to try rehab, but is picking and choosing. The other thought is that you would have to arrange it (you think), as opposed to him doing the arranging and it going onto your benefits. It doesn't sound hopeful.

Would it be worth telling him, this is your time limit, if you want it, you have to do the ground work before time's up. That will put the onus back on him to move.

guava

Thanks for the honest feedback! Yes, I think he's miserable and feeling lost but, no, I don't think he's committed enough to be successful. If he was serious about this he would have had something lined up for the day his break started and would be there right now instead of making a half-hearted attempt a week and a half later.

His issue with the place he went a year and a half ago is that it was in a hospital and was just medical detox not support, talking with therapists, etc. I just feel conflicted that he's actually finally asking for help at a point where I'm finally realizing I'm a co-dependent that needs to start tending to my own crap and let him deal with his.

LexieCat

Hand him the number to the local AA intergroup. They will send someone out to him to begin working with him immediately, from the time he steps out of detox.

If he wants it badly enough, he'll humble himself enough to do it.

In my experience, recovered alcoholics are better for getting someone sober than all the therapists in the world.

Hangnbyathread

You've done your part. Move on with your life. I am not being cold. I'm trying to set you free of this.

totfit

I don't know why he doesn't do the 30 days now. He will be in a better place on Christmas than he might wind up. You have already done however all you can to help him. It is up to him at this point. You might remind him of that and also that if he does not take advantage of the treatment now under your benefits it may not be available on the same level later on. I would also though make sure if he does use the benefit and go to treatment that only he sign the financial responsibility portion to pay anything uncovered.

No one can answer the question "is he committed enough". Folks get clean and sober in a myriad of ways from many different levels of dysfunction. Some can just finally decide to quit as they have had enough and be fine doing so. Some go to any lengths with multiple treatments and daily AA and never seem to get sober. I have seen folks that I thought did not have a chance because they were still in denial, etc., get and stay sober. I have seen others that seemed to be doing everything "right" and be totally committed never get sober.

The one thing I do know or at least this is my experience is ultimately it is an inside job. You have done your part. It is up to him.

AnvilheadII

I told him I was giving him all that information because I wanted him to know that help (free help!) was out there for him if he wanted it but it was up to him to take action.


he made ONE call, didn't like the set up....now wants YOU to find something that meets HIS requirements....not too hard, not to soft, just right.

goldilocks is STILL looking for the easier softer way. still looking to YOU to do the leg work. wants the quick fix without having to actually DO the work.

you did help him. you gave him information. a pathway, a solution. he doesn't really want it. he wants attention, he wants to draw you in to baby him and fluff his pillows under his sorry butt. if he was serious about getting sober, if he was really invested in being a DAD, he'd crawl over hot coals naked to get help. as it is he's a drowning man refusing to grab the life ring cuz he doesn't like the color.

guava

Well when you put it that way...

I'm rolling along thinking I've got my sh?t together but every once in a while I need a firm kick in the rear to get me back on track.

Thanks!

Turtle82

I don't mean to sound flip... really I don't... but "Let go and let God" comes to mind.

NYCDoglvr

Mistake. Just let him go. He has problems that only he can solve, you can do nothing about his drinking. If he goes to rehab, fine, but I hope you don't get involved in it. If he wants it he'll go for it. If not, there's nothing you or anyone can say or do. It's another way of hanging on to a dead relationship.

I'm a recovering alcoholic (23 years) and nothing anyone said or did made any difference. One day a miracle happened and I clearly saw I was an alcoholic, and if I didn't stop drinking I'd die. On my hands and knees I crawled to AA. That had always been true but until I saw it clearly in what was one of the worst moments of my life, I wouldn't have gotten sober. And no one else was involved in this realization.

aboutdone

My RAXH didn't decide to seek treatment until he was served divorce papers & I clearly was done with him. Its a long story, but I was seriously ticked off about it. But I caved, over time. Here I am 5 years later dealing with a dry drunk. They never take anything seriously until you show them you are out the door, and even then, they will only do "enough" to get what they want. I would simply state to him, you hear what he is saying, but you are just too busy to do any research on a facility that meets his needs, but best of luck in his search. You get to be direct, make it known you are not helping him, but support his decision.