wolflvr

Hi everyone!! I hope you all are having a great day!! My husband went to the neighbors last night and came home drunk now today he is apologizing and saying he doesnt want to be like that anymore. It seems to me that the word sorry comes so easy to them. If they were truly sorry, they would not repeat the same behavior that they apologize for, so to me sorry means nothing anymore. I get the "I have a good job and work hard so if I want to come home and have "a" drink I should be able to. What I try to explain is I have never seen an alcoholic stop at 1 drink and due to health problems he cannot even have 1 drink. I get so confused on if I should even try and say anything. Im learning to not even talk to him if he has been drinking...I just get upset and he doesnt remember nothing. But what about the times when he is sober. Do I talk to him about his drinking and what it is doing to our marriage etc. or do I just let it go?

myles1

About the "I'm sorries" yes they are easy to say and they don't mean them. Instead of saying I;m sorry just don't do it anymore.

As far as talking to him if he doesn't see it there probably is no point in talking to him, it will just give him ammunition to blame you for his drinking "you would be nagging"

Ngaire

Gabe

Oh, I believe the remorse is real. The repetition of the behavior will continue until he gets out of denial about his problem.
I'm not sure what you want to say to him about his drinking. Obviously it's better to talk to him when he's sober. It's been my experience that talking to someone about their drinking when they are in denial about it being a problem is a great big waste of breath.

angelar

wolflvr,
we could be talking about the same man! Actions speak louder than words.
I will not wait, put my life on hold, for him to make up his mind if he wants to join me in the land of the living.

We can only work on ourselves.

Keep posting and listening, it does help tremendously!

With love,
Angela

Lorelai

I talked to my AH for 15 years about his drinking - when he was drunk and when he was sober. I wasted so much time talking to him that I could have spent working on me. I would recommend that you don't do what I did. There are a lot more useful ways to spend your time and energy.
L

Dan

Hi wolflvr, I'm an addict, and alcohol was my favorite drug in the end.
Until I decided I had enough, nothing anyone told me made a difference.
Wether I was loaded or sober, any attempt by my wife or anyone else to tell me how destructive my behaviors were fell on deaf ears.
I only cared about getting as much alcohol into me as I possibly could.
Marriage, kids, job were secondary concerns, and some days, no concern at all.
Good luck to you both.

wolflvr

He says he knows he cannot drink and doesnt want to ruin our relationship our his health yet sometimes he still goes out and acts like a dumb ass. I started my fertility medicine today because he made me think things were going to get better and that he really wants a family. I believe that he is sorry but I will never understand how liquid can be so overpowering. I tell him out of all the things in the world that you can do, there is 1 you can't...life isnt that bad if you look at it that way. We get along so good and never argue or anything when he doesnt drink. I dont think I will ever understand it.

bookworm

Hi Wolflvr,
Weeeelll, I think the remorse is sincere enough...at the time. However, a few hours later and the situation has changed for the alcoholic. The drunkeness is conveniently forgotten and the cycle begins again. I'd err on the side of caution where having a family is concerned. If you are not certain whether or not the situation will be stable in the long term it may not be an ideal time to start a family. Sorry if I'm speaking out of turn - I just wouldn't be too confident about bringing a baby into the mix.
HugZ
Sandra

journey1

I'm sorry I have to say this but bringing a baby into an alcoholic environment is not a good idea. That baby has no say or choices in this world, why would you want to expose him/her to a life of alcoholism. That baby will suffer just as much as you do/will. I had a baby with my husband after "he asked me" to have a baby. I was thinking oh the happy family we will have. He will be supportive, helpful, and he'll stop his drinking. Yeah right. He still took off on us, he didn't help out as much, his drinking came first. Nothing changed. Now we are divorcing and he sees our baby twice a week and guess what? sometimes he doesn't show up because he was out late the night before and was too drunk. And who suffers? My baby. I can deal with it now but how will it be when she is old enough to realize daddy was suppose to show up today. This is just my experience I want to share with you.

myles1

Please do not bring a child into this. A,s think alot of things and it's primarily about themselves. This will not change with a child.........he'll just have more excuses to drink.

Ngaire

DaveMass

I am just beginning this journey. My partner drinks from the time that he comes home after work until he falls into bed. I make sure that he eats but it is a struggle to get him to eat. If he doesn't drink too much he will go back and finish supper. But many nights he doesn't eat at all. Thanks for the tip on addressing the problem as one with others rather than one that is within the household. He does get very defensive about it and things go down hill very rapidly from there. He is also addicted to the internet. Not so much porn sites as gay chat rooms and such. Always looking for the next "new" sex partner. I have no problem with that, as I like variety as much as he does but variety can come in other things as well, or different things between ourselves. This searching within is am extremely difficult thing and I at least know that there is an inner journey, he refuses to look within, saying that there is nothing there. I know that is a denial of himself, yet can't make him realize that the real journey begins there. Thanks all for this site, I am finding out lots and lots of areas that I personally have to work on. Lots of raw emotion broiling within me at this moment, and know that prayer will be the only way through this.

matters

Hi wolflvr,

All the pleading and begging and asking that they quit drinking is definately waisted energy. Been there done that along with speeches about what he is doing wrong. Believe me THEY are never going to stop until they are good and ready and the only positive thing that we can do is take care of ourselves and focus on what we can do for US!!!!!

outsidetherain

Hi wolflvr,

I'm sorry your going thru this...I think you should talk to him and express your concerns with starting a family under the present circumstances. I agree with myles 1, he'll just use it as another excuse to drink....I no longer waste my time and energy. Just today, I made the mistake of mentioning my concern with his drinking beer from 9 am till 11 pm Sun., his response "That's life" I'm with matters...TAKE CARE OF YOU!

chess

I used to hear that one too. It's good to hear I'm not the only one

myles1

The other thing about starting a family is he also knows it ties you to him even more and he probably is telling you what you want to hear about starting a family.

Having ababy in this mess is opening a complete other can of worms.....it's not fair to a child.

Ngaire

Yreva

Wolfvr- I am with the majority on the baby thing. It is SUCH a blessing, but at the same time it was the hardest thing on my marriage! It is just another excuse for them to withdraw and drink. The other thing to consider is that if you ever deciede to leave you are bound to this man- and the child is bound to him FOREVER- whether he deciedes to stop his unhealthy behaivor or not! Don't do that to a child. Your AH has a LOT of growing up to do and needs to face his drinking habit before the added stress of little ones. Just my 2 cents...I hope you don't feel ganged up on- we have all just been there.
Di