Being an alcoholic
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: canada
Posts: 748
Being an alcoholic
I'm about 3.5 weeks into sobriety and am realizing that I'm still dealing with some denial about being an alcoholic. It's around accepting the extent of my alcoholism.
Until today I've always said that I never had blackouts, and that came from an honest place because I've always identified black outs as passing out or going temporarily insane and trashing the place or making a public spectacle. All of a sudden today I had this realization at work that before I quit this time that there were mornings I'd wake up and there were little gaps from the evening before like not being able to remember going to bed or remembering that it was 8pm (early for me) and then wondering what I did for the rest of the evening.
That realization really hit me like a punch in the gut. I had this feeling of hollow horror that I got after watching the "Rain In My Heart" documentary. I actually HAD been having blackouts, and even though nothing disastrous seems to have ever happened, I was having blackouts. I got through it and am okay now, but somehow I don't understand this persistent thought that keeps coming up even after all the mounting evidence that says "but you're not like that"
I mean for heaven's sake - what normal person walks home from work like I did tonight and spends time pondering the possible dangerous scenarios if I imagined browsing through the aisles in the liquor store I was walking past. Who am I kidding?
Until today I've always said that I never had blackouts, and that came from an honest place because I've always identified black outs as passing out or going temporarily insane and trashing the place or making a public spectacle. All of a sudden today I had this realization at work that before I quit this time that there were mornings I'd wake up and there were little gaps from the evening before like not being able to remember going to bed or remembering that it was 8pm (early for me) and then wondering what I did for the rest of the evening.
That realization really hit me like a punch in the gut. I had this feeling of hollow horror that I got after watching the "Rain In My Heart" documentary. I actually HAD been having blackouts, and even though nothing disastrous seems to have ever happened, I was having blackouts. I got through it and am okay now, but somehow I don't understand this persistent thought that keeps coming up even after all the mounting evidence that says "but you're not like that"
I mean for heaven's sake - what normal person walks home from work like I did tonight and spends time pondering the possible dangerous scenarios if I imagined browsing through the aisles in the liquor store I was walking past. Who am I kidding?
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,517
Alcoholism is alcoholism.
I didn't know I was having blackouts at first either. And, like you when I realized what was happening I was shocked and horrified. This is a good reason for you to stay sober.
I didn't know I was having blackouts at first either. And, like you when I realized what was happening I was shocked and horrified. This is a good reason for you to stay sober.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Oregon
Posts: 1,536
What is strange is how more is revealed as we go along, too. I'm so glad you are here on this side of the nightmare with us. Isn't it wonderful that you never have to experience a blackout ever again??? YAY for you! And YAY for us!
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
I think your combatting your denial by having it on the page and that will help you to see it for what it is
i kept a journal to record all my feelings that really helped
i learned a lot in the first few months (im still learning now) it was humbling but it needed to happen for me to see how i was and so i could grow
your doing really well recognising this well done keep up the good work
i kept a journal to record all my feelings that really helped
i learned a lot in the first few months (im still learning now) it was humbling but it needed to happen for me to see how i was and so i could grow
your doing really well recognising this well done keep up the good work
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 6,831
Hey Lance,
I'm just over two months since my last drink. As time goes I'm recalling more episodes from my drinking career. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm thinking about it but will notice that I just said under my breath 'what the heck was I thinking'. I'm realizing how much of my time I was walking the edge of the blade.
I try not to get consumed with regret...those drunken days are OVER for me. So I try to use those memories, when they do occur, as reinforcements to my current life of sobriety.
Best of luck to you.
I'm just over two months since my last drink. As time goes I'm recalling more episodes from my drinking career. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm thinking about it but will notice that I just said under my breath 'what the heck was I thinking'. I'm realizing how much of my time I was walking the edge of the blade.
I try not to get consumed with regret...those drunken days are OVER for me. So I try to use those memories, when they do occur, as reinforcements to my current life of sobriety.
Best of luck to you.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne Australia.
Posts: 3,748
For along time I related black outs to losing consciousness (fainting).
Much later i recalled times in bars that had been blacked out at the specific times.
As others have said there are many strains of alcoholism , all of them bad!
Much later i recalled times in bars that had been blacked out at the specific times.
As others have said there are many strains of alcoholism , all of them bad!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
When I decided it was time to quit, it wasn't something I contemplated beforehand. To me, I was still good. Sure in the back of my mind I knew I was alcoholic. But I was what many like to say 'highly functional'. I was made to go to rehab. While there I took the opportunity to review my life. All I can say is holy crap. That I made it as far as I did was a miracle.
Doing a first step inve tory opened my eyes. And over the course of a month more and more revealed itself to me. Maybe suppressed memories, maybe denial, but whatever I realized things I had done over the years. Blackouts , too too many.
other behaviors and a not give a sht attitude.
Still today almost a year later I am recalling things from the past.
As we go forward, whether one month or ten months and I'm sure longer, we discover things from our past that continue to reinforce that fact that alcohol adversely altered our lives.
These are more nails in the coffin of burying alcohol from my life.
Those , aha moments. I only wish I would have recognized it years ago.
All I can do now is improve my life and be happy I have that chance.
Doing a first step inve tory opened my eyes. And over the course of a month more and more revealed itself to me. Maybe suppressed memories, maybe denial, but whatever I realized things I had done over the years. Blackouts , too too many.
other behaviors and a not give a sht attitude.
Still today almost a year later I am recalling things from the past.
As we go forward, whether one month or ten months and I'm sure longer, we discover things from our past that continue to reinforce that fact that alcohol adversely altered our lives.
These are more nails in the coffin of burying alcohol from my life.
Those , aha moments. I only wish I would have recognized it years ago.
All I can do now is improve my life and be happy I have that chance.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 861
Originally Posted by Lance40 
I got through it and am okay now, but somehow I don't understand this persistent thought that keeps coming up even after all the mounting evidence that says "but you're not like that"
I mean for heaven's sake - what normal person walks home from work like I did tonight and spends time pondering the possible dangerous scenarios if I imagined browsing through the aisles in the liquor store I was walking past. Who am I kidding?
I mean for heaven's sake - what normal person walks home from work like I did tonight and spends time pondering the possible dangerous scenarios if I imagined browsing through the aisles in the liquor store I was walking past. Who am I kidding?
I can relate to having denial around being an alcoholic. For me, my denial increases and decreases. I used to think I would work through the denial and never feel it again. Now, I see the denial as more dynamic. I can work through the denial for now, but the denial may always come up occasionally for me.
Congrats on 3.5 weeks sober!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
Originally Posted by Deniselarkin
I can't remember most of my blackouts, if it was not for pictures that my husband had taken of me passed out on the floor , I would have not believed it could have been me. I don't remember .
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Lance,
about accepting the extent...for me, the extent wasn't visible all at once. it became clearer as my sober time went on. i had no understanding of how far those tentacles had reached.
i think the diminishing denial and increasing understanding comes in proportion to readiness. was that way for me, anyway. it came in little "chunks", so to speak, and it was like "wow!" moments, and each time i had/have a choice to make: i can accept or reject.
it's all a process, this recovery-thing.
you're on your way. keep going.
about accepting the extent...for me, the extent wasn't visible all at once. it became clearer as my sober time went on. i had no understanding of how far those tentacles had reached.
i think the diminishing denial and increasing understanding comes in proportion to readiness. was that way for me, anyway. it came in little "chunks", so to speak, and it was like "wow!" moments, and each time i had/have a choice to make: i can accept or reject.
it's all a process, this recovery-thing.
you're on your way. keep going.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Originally Posted by Lance40
Who am I kidding?
I was in denial for years. I knew I was an alcoholic but I was a functioning alcoholic! Yeah! What a crock! I was just a plan ole alcoholic.
Many say the blackouts scared them and I am sure they did for me at first, I can't remember that was so far back but it became the norm for me not to remember an entire day or evening.
Every once in a while I would get a flash of something I ate or said and that simply told my conscience that I didn't black out, I just forgot! Yeah, I forgot! What a crock, I was a walking blackout.
I remember getting home, pouring that first drink, eating dinner and going to bed but I did that every single day. There was nothing else I did Monday through Friday so I didn't need details to function. Same on the weekends. I started at 6am and drank all day in front of the TV. Not much deviation happened so again I could fill in the blanks pretty easy. 12 straight hours of Law and Order on a Saturday and Sunday did not leave much room for not remembering what you watched.
Now that I am sober I realize that everyday is different. The weather is different, different people at work, I eat a different lunch, there are different cars on the road, I eat a different dinner and I watch something different on TV. It may be the same show but a different episode. Before everything blended together into one big pile of denial!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Originally Posted by Lance40
I'm about 3.5 weeks into sobriety and am realizing that I'm still dealing with some denial about being an alcoholic. It's around accepting the extent of my alcoholism.
Until today I've always said that I never had blackouts, and that came from an honest place because I've always identified black outs as passing out or going temporarily insane and trashing the place or making a public spectacle. All of a sudden today I had this realization at work that before I quit this time that there were mornings I'd wake up and there were little gaps from the evening before like not being able to remember going to bed or remembering that it was 8pm (early for me) and then wondering what I did for the rest of the evening.
That realization really hit me like a punch in the gut. I had this feeling of hollow horror that I got after watching the "Rain In My Heart" documentary. I actually HAD been having blackouts, and even though nothing disastrous seems to have ever happened, I was having blackouts. I got through it and am okay now, but somehow I don't understand this persistent thought that keeps coming up even after all the mounting evidence that says "but you're not like that"
I mean for heaven's sake - what normal person walks home from work like I did tonight and spends time pondering the possible dangerous scenarios if I imagined browsing through the aisles in the liquor store I was walking past. Who am I kidding?
Until today I've always said that I never had blackouts, and that came from an honest place because I've always identified black outs as passing out or going temporarily insane and trashing the place or making a public spectacle. All of a sudden today I had this realization at work that before I quit this time that there were mornings I'd wake up and there were little gaps from the evening before like not being able to remember going to bed or remembering that it was 8pm (early for me) and then wondering what I did for the rest of the evening.
That realization really hit me like a punch in the gut. I had this feeling of hollow horror that I got after watching the "Rain In My Heart" documentary. I actually HAD been having blackouts, and even though nothing disastrous seems to have ever happened, I was having blackouts. I got through it and am okay now, but somehow I don't understand this persistent thought that keeps coming up even after all the mounting evidence that says "but you're not like that"
I mean for heaven's sake - what normal person walks home from work like I did tonight and spends time pondering the possible dangerous scenarios if I imagined browsing through the aisles in the liquor store I was walking past. Who am I kidding?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Aberdeen SD
Posts: 180
Blackouts are the scary part of the disease. Its the ultimate sign of loss of control over alcohol. Heavy abuse of alcohol stops the transfer of short term memory to long term. That's a blackout. You can't remember anything because it was never stored. You become a walking zombie with no memory. The good news is that if you don't drink you don't black out. I keep blackout fear at the top of the list of reasons why I don't drink.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
This was a long time ago - 35 yrs. Imagine driving home 15 miles, not remembering it and spending 45 minutes searching for you car the next morning (very late morning) and finding it parked in the next block looking like all the other parked cars. I've been a bad drinker for a long time.
That is what is known as a blackout.
That is what is known as a blackout.
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