Anniversary loaded the gun and brother pulled the trigger
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
Anniversary loaded the gun and brother pulled the trigger
As you all know, I am newly sober and being batted about the head by the winds of emotional, physical and mental instability at this point.
This Friday Dec 5th marks the 50th anniversary of my dad's death. I am sure that accounts for some of my volatility. The circumstances of his death still haunt me today. He was making pornographic photos with a hooker in a hotel room and had an alcohol induced heart attack. The maid found him the next morning along with the camera and photos. He would sell them on the black market (against the law in 1964).
My religious brother sends letters to me every so often condemning me and anyone associated with me and assures us we are going to hell. I usually don't even open his letters, but the one I got yesterday had a pleading on the envelope to open it because it was important. He wants me to send him all of the news clippings and material my mother had collected pertaining to the year he played with the Detroit Lions. AND... he had to go on about how my father has been in hell for 50 years now..blah...blah..blah and that my mother and sister are there with him.
I tore up the letter and threw it away. Did not drink, but he managed to make me feel terrible. I know you aren't supposed to let people make you feel anything, but he knows how to push every damn button and vulnerability I have.
Thanks for listening friends.
This Friday Dec 5th marks the 50th anniversary of my dad's death. I am sure that accounts for some of my volatility. The circumstances of his death still haunt me today. He was making pornographic photos with a hooker in a hotel room and had an alcohol induced heart attack. The maid found him the next morning along with the camera and photos. He would sell them on the black market (against the law in 1964).
My religious brother sends letters to me every so often condemning me and anyone associated with me and assures us we are going to hell. I usually don't even open his letters, but the one I got yesterday had a pleading on the envelope to open it because it was important. He wants me to send him all of the news clippings and material my mother had collected pertaining to the year he played with the Detroit Lions. AND... he had to go on about how my father has been in hell for 50 years now..blah...blah..blah and that my mother and sister are there with him.
I tore up the letter and threw it away. Did not drink, but he managed to make me feel terrible. I know you aren't supposed to let people make you feel anything, but he knows how to push every damn button and vulnerability I have.
Thanks for listening friends.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
I think we all have that person in our family or life who seems to have only one goal - to ruin our lives. For me it's my wife's cousin who is mentally disabled but has been a drug addict living on the street for the most part for a couple of decades. She's filed frivilous lawsuits against her own mother and siblings, made physical threats and been arrested and jailed for it, destroyed property, the list goes on and on.
You did good by tearing it up and moving on. It's tough but you did the right thing. And congrats on being sober as well.
You did good by tearing it up and moving on. It's tough but you did the right thing. And congrats on being sober as well.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
there's a difference between 'letting someone make you' feel a certain way, and the circumstances of life engendering an emotional response.
If you did NOT have an emotional response, you would be a sociopath.... you would be a robot.... or a rock.....
But you're a Human Being. What you're describing are circumstances that are simply GOING to elicit an emotional response.
It is what we do next that is important.
Do we try to drown the response in booze?
Do we get high to make it go away?
Do we obsess about it and go tail-spinning into a merry-go-round of misery thinking about what the other person has done?
Do we play the victim?
Do we allow the emotional response to grow and grow and overtake us?
Or....
Do we say the serenity prayer?
Do we meditate?
Do we go for a run?
Do we recognize that the other person's actions are indicative of their own struggles and wounds and journey as a Human Being?
Do we have compassion - for ourselves, for the other?
Do we choose to comfort ourselves, wish the other well in their own healing journey, and move on to more peaceful things.....
If you did NOT have an emotional response, you would be a sociopath.... you would be a robot.... or a rock.....
But you're a Human Being. What you're describing are circumstances that are simply GOING to elicit an emotional response.
It is what we do next that is important.
Do we try to drown the response in booze?
Do we get high to make it go away?
Do we obsess about it and go tail-spinning into a merry-go-round of misery thinking about what the other person has done?
Do we play the victim?
Do we allow the emotional response to grow and grow and overtake us?
Or....
Do we say the serenity prayer?
Do we meditate?
Do we go for a run?
Do we recognize that the other person's actions are indicative of their own struggles and wounds and journey as a Human Being?
Do we have compassion - for ourselves, for the other?
Do we choose to comfort ourselves, wish the other well in their own healing journey, and move on to more peaceful things.....
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Gatineau, QC, CA
Posts: 5,100
Originally Posted by FreeOwl 
there's a difference between 'letting someone make you' feel a certain way, and the circumstances of life engendering an emotional response.
If you did NOT have an emotional response, you would be a sociopath.... you would be a robot.... or a rock.....
But you're a Human Being. What you're describing are circumstances that are simply GOING to elicit an emotional response.
It is what we do next that is important.
Do we try to drown the response in booze?
Do we get high to make it go away?
Do we obsess about it and go tail-spinning into a merry-go-round of misery thinking about what the other person has done?
Do we play the victim?
Do we allow the emotional response to grow and grow and overtake us?
Or....
Do we say the serenity prayer?
Do we meditate?
Do we go for a run?
Do we recognize that the other person's actions are indicative of their own struggles and wounds and journey as a Human Being?
Do we have compassion - for ourselves, for the other?
Do we choose to comfort ourselves, wish the other well in their own healing journey, and move on to more peaceful things.....
If you did NOT have an emotional response, you would be a sociopath.... you would be a robot.... or a rock.....
But you're a Human Being. What you're describing are circumstances that are simply GOING to elicit an emotional response.
It is what we do next that is important.
Do we try to drown the response in booze?
Do we get high to make it go away?
Do we obsess about it and go tail-spinning into a merry-go-round of misery thinking about what the other person has done?
Do we play the victim?
Do we allow the emotional response to grow and grow and overtake us?
Or....
Do we say the serenity prayer?
Do we meditate?
Do we go for a run?
Do we recognize that the other person's actions are indicative of their own struggles and wounds and journey as a Human Being?
Do we have compassion - for ourselves, for the other?
Do we choose to comfort ourselves, wish the other well in their own healing journey, and move on to more peaceful things.....
ArtfriendMember
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
Thank you all (again) for your kind words and support. It is tough on many levels. As far as my father goes, he was a troubled man, but I think he had a good heart under all that external stuff. I don't know if I can say the same about my brother. He too is a troubled man, but in a different way....a more calculated and sinister way veiled by a cloak of religion that makes it more insidious.
Just trying to let go and disengage from it all.
Just trying to let go and disengage from it all.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Good gravy, Artfriend! As my mother would say "that's the outside of enough." I'm glad that you didn't drink. That you came here. No one knows how to push buttons better than family members. even if they aren't intentionally trying to goad us into anything. Past history and past patterns usually guarantee a reaction.
How painful to lose your father. But for your brother to compound it is hurtful.
Has your brother always been quite so condemnatory? In reading your description I get the impression that perhaps your brother has some mental health issues and/or is lashing out his grief and anger about your dad's death in not very constructive or healing ways.
It's kind of hard to say put it out of your mind but try to look at it from a different way? Either way, keep taking care of you. Hugs.
How painful to lose your father. But for your brother to compound it is hurtful.
Has your brother always been quite so condemnatory? In reading your description I get the impression that perhaps your brother has some mental health issues and/or is lashing out his grief and anger about your dad's death in not very constructive or healing ways.
It's kind of hard to say put it out of your mind but try to look at it from a different way? Either way, keep taking care of you. Hugs.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
I'm sorry for your pain, but I'm glad you didn't drink AF.
I have to be honest, the case for no-contact with your brother seems to be growing.
It may be the hardest thing to throw away those letters unopened in future - but honestly I hope you'll find a way to do that.
D
I have to be honest, the case for no-contact with your brother seems to be growing.
It may be the hardest thing to throw away those letters unopened in future - but honestly I hope you'll find a way to do that.
D
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Earth
Posts: 164
I have to agree-- some people just know how to push our buttons. And some people intentionally push them. Just for the hell of it. Just to be hurtful. I don't know why. But what matters is how YOU reacted. You didn't drink. And although you were and are hurt (understandably!), I really hope you didn't let it get to you or make you feel worse as a human being.
A lot of the time, the people who intend to make us miserable are really just masters of projection. What they're saying about you is more of a reflection of them than it is an assessment of you. Especially if you have almost no contact with this person. What does he even know of you or your life???
A lot of the time, the people who intend to make us miserable are really just masters of projection. What they're saying about you is more of a reflection of them than it is an assessment of you. Especially if you have almost no contact with this person. What does he even know of you or your life???
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Oregon
Posts: 1,536
I agree with Dee. Any communication from your brother needs to go directly into the shredder/trash/fireplace without being read.
I'm soooo sorry this happened to you, and I'm sorry about the loss of your dad no matter how long ago it was. Be well and stay close to us. (((((hugs))))))
I'm soooo sorry this happened to you, and I'm sorry about the loss of your dad no matter how long ago it was. Be well and stay close to us. (((((hugs))))))
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
This is very heavy; I am so sorry, AF. Respect for not drinking through it. Definitely agree with everyone on no contact with your brother.
I have a bunch of relatives (two cousins, brother and sister, and their families) who are seriously messed up and have been for a very long time, since my late teens more or less, at least that's how I recall. Lots of mental illnesses untreated and continuous struggles with life. I stopped keeping in touch with them back then because it was pretty destructive influence... but then moved abroad, and reconnected because I was curious and also had some guilt about them. I have no siblings so in principle it would have been nice to have a relationship with my cousins. Then one started begging for money, I helped... then the other started as well because they spoke of course... it would never be enough. I stopped all contact again after ~a year of that.
About 10 or so years later one of these cousins also landed in the US, stayed here, found me on the internet. Started sending emails. At first I was kinda happy and I almost forgot about the past, assuming he was living a different life and it did sound that way initially. Well, soon it turned out it wasn't true at all and he is probably worse off than ever. The emails would get crazier and crazier, and of course he would complain about poverty, but not begging this time. Just sent me real crazy stuff. I sort of corresponded with him until early this year when I got sober. It was hard, but I decided to not even read his emails anymore, he still sends me some occasionally, I just delete them unread. It's to protect my own sanity because if I continue reading that stuff and staying in touch, it tends to flood me with disturbing feelings and guilt. I do really feel sad for him, but in the end of the day, this is my life.
I really suggest the same to you with your brother if this has been a long term pattern. You are not responsible for his turmoil, you are responsible for your own well-being.
((Hugs))
I have a bunch of relatives (two cousins, brother and sister, and their families) who are seriously messed up and have been for a very long time, since my late teens more or less, at least that's how I recall. Lots of mental illnesses untreated and continuous struggles with life. I stopped keeping in touch with them back then because it was pretty destructive influence... but then moved abroad, and reconnected because I was curious and also had some guilt about them. I have no siblings so in principle it would have been nice to have a relationship with my cousins. Then one started begging for money, I helped... then the other started as well because they spoke of course... it would never be enough. I stopped all contact again after ~a year of that.
About 10 or so years later one of these cousins also landed in the US, stayed here, found me on the internet. Started sending emails. At first I was kinda happy and I almost forgot about the past, assuming he was living a different life and it did sound that way initially. Well, soon it turned out it wasn't true at all and he is probably worse off than ever. The emails would get crazier and crazier, and of course he would complain about poverty, but not begging this time. Just sent me real crazy stuff. I sort of corresponded with him until early this year when I got sober. It was hard, but I decided to not even read his emails anymore, he still sends me some occasionally, I just delete them unread. It's to protect my own sanity because if I continue reading that stuff and staying in touch, it tends to flood me with disturbing feelings and guilt. I do really feel sad for him, but in the end of the day, this is my life.
I really suggest the same to you with your brother if this has been a long term pattern. You are not responsible for his turmoil, you are responsible for your own well-being.
((Hugs))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Dallas, Texas
Posts: 2,459
(smile) - why couldn't you guys be my family dammit!?!
Yes, Turtle guy -he is a big A**. He always has been in one way or another. But he now has the "cloak of religion" to hide behind. He is an ordained minister/pastor/preacher whatever. Has a masters in Theology from Dallas Theological Seminary (and that how I ended up in Dallas to begin with)... I graduated from Michigan with a psych degree (do you want fries with that?) and moved to Dallas from Detroit in the early 80s because the job market was so much better here. Still is actually. Lived with my brother for 30 days (that is all I was given to get a job and a place to live before he kicked me to the curb). But I managed. During that time he told me that God makes vessels (pots of clay) that are for his glorification (like my brother) and then he makes vessels of destruction (mistakes) that he throws aside (like me and the rest of my family). So, getting out of his house was not a hardship!!!
I know he is damaged (although he thinks he is perfect) by my dad... so I feel sorry for him, as do I for my younger brother the alcoholic. We have all had to bear the burden of my father's dysfunction. However... I do know that we all have had to make choices and try to over come the past. Neither of my brothers have been able to own their behavior. They blame everyone else for their issues. And I blame myself...maybe because I am female and the youngest? My sister was the oldest and she became a psychologist. Always introspective, like me.
Thanks again for your support!!
Yes, Turtle guy -he is a big A**. He always has been in one way or another. But he now has the "cloak of religion" to hide behind. He is an ordained minister/pastor/preacher whatever. Has a masters in Theology from Dallas Theological Seminary (and that how I ended up in Dallas to begin with)... I graduated from Michigan with a psych degree (do you want fries with that?) and moved to Dallas from Detroit in the early 80s because the job market was so much better here. Still is actually. Lived with my brother for 30 days (that is all I was given to get a job and a place to live before he kicked me to the curb). But I managed. During that time he told me that God makes vessels (pots of clay) that are for his glorification (like my brother) and then he makes vessels of destruction (mistakes) that he throws aside (like me and the rest of my family). So, getting out of his house was not a hardship!!!
I know he is damaged (although he thinks he is perfect) by my dad... so I feel sorry for him, as do I for my younger brother the alcoholic. We have all had to bear the burden of my father's dysfunction. However... I do know that we all have had to make choices and try to over come the past. Neither of my brothers have been able to own their behavior. They blame everyone else for their issues. And I blame myself...maybe because I am female and the youngest? My sister was the oldest and she became a psychologist. Always introspective, like me.
Thanks again for your support!!
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