Shutterbug1

So, he’s sick. Yep.
I realize, more now since I've been away from him, he’s mentally ill.

He called me over Thanksgiving and he called a friend of mine (I broke up with him a year and a half ago). He was crying to me about how lonely he is. How he can resolve everything else he’s done wrong in his life, but ruining our ten year relationship and hurting me over and over again…he just can’t resolve this. He’s moved out of the recovery church house and has isolated himself in an efficiency apartment in a dangerous crime infested neighborhood. He works constantly, a lot of doubles. He’s relapsed with drinking again…a few times.

Oh boy.

So, he’s on the way down again and he’s calling me to fix his pain, to make him feel better.

He’s of course justified all his destructive actions…the church was not as good as he thought it was…the pastor who he loved before is actually not that cool. Translation: I got drunk and acted out a few times, they called me on it and now I don’t like them anymore…they are the problem NOT me.

I thought he had a new girlfriend, according to fb. But it turns out, according to him, that he’s got a crush on a co-worker who has recently switched to a new shift and he misses her so much. She reminds him of me. Translation: I was obsessed with a co-worker and now that my distraction is gone I am extra lonely and calling you to fill my void. Actually, I’m looking for anyone to fill my void, you’ll do for now.

So, I know he’s in pain, I know he’s likely going down again and I really just want to turn away. I see a pattern and I am doing my best to get better. He calls me so I can “do something” for him. I feel bad for him so I try to help him. This is how our relationship was, everything became about him. That’s how I lost myself initially. I was going to work this morning thinking about him and I thought to myself “STOP”! I thought, I have a limited amount of time to live and I could be thinking about developing my goals and strategies for the future. I could have been thinking anything about my life. I DON’T WANT to think about him anymore. So I should stop giving my energy away when I really don’t want to.

He hadn’t reached out to me for months and I made no attempt to contact him. Throughout the year and a half he’s been the one primarily contacting me. I have gone through some major depression, even thoughts of suicide. I was such a mess. You know what; I didn’t reach out to him at that time. I reached out to friends and then a therapist. I actually want to get better and I know he is just plain destructive. I am not even attracted to him anymore; I just feel like he is such a sad and messed up person. He posted something of fb about a 22 year old girl coming over to his apartment (he’s 39) and I just thought here he goes again, preying on a young girl. I was 20 when I met him and I really had no idea what I was getting myself into. Now I know, he uses, abuses, he’s ill and honestly he’s creepy. I feel like he’s a parasite that keeps coming back looking for something to make him feel good. I struggle with pitying him because he just so demented and i once believed he could get better. I just don’t want to add pain to someone who is already in so much of it. But I am slowly getting stronger in realizing that me trying to reduce his pain, increases my pain and then I become self-destructive.

lillamy

And you have every right to do that. See, you're an adult -- and when you were in pain, you bucked up and swallowed your pride and turned to people who could help you. It was probably difficult for you, but you did it. He turns to you because he doesn't really want to jump through the hoops of abiding by the expectations placed on him. He just wants sympathy. And that's not going to help him.

It sounds like your thinking is very clear, but that your emotions make things a bit murky still. Unfortunately, I know very well what that's like. Keep doing what you're doing -- it's obviously working. Oh -- and maybe consider not picking up next time?

hopeful4

He is a true mess. The best thing you can do is no contact for your own sanity. If you allow him, he would drag you down the rabbit hole with him.

I am sorry. Keep working on you!

Redheadsusie

Staty strong and Do what is best for you - He is a grown man- He can take care of himself - or not if he chooses - but you take care of you! Hugs-

marie1960

And all of this turmoil you are experiencing could have been avoided by not answering the phone!

Up until 30 days ago, like yourself, I also answered the damn phone, and got sucked in to some sad, sad, sob story, which caused me to feel pretty much like you currently do today.

I promised myself no effin more of this nonsense, two days ago I did receive a birthday card from him, and I did read his note, which just pissed me off, and I think I am still pissed off, but being pissed off is better than crying in my pillow.

Said this in another post, and it seems to be my mantra for the last few days, I am not investing one more ounce of me into a grown man who refuses to get his sh*t together, and my sappy azz emotional heart can just get over itself.

Hugs to you shutterbug!

Eauchiche

Between my hostile separated alcoholic mate and my sometimes hostile FOO, I feel extremely blessed to not be confused by mixed messages from anybody right now.
I really feel for you. If my ex were calling like yours, I would probably be sucked right in.

NYCDoglvr

I suggest focusing on the fact that there is nothing you can say or do that will help him or affect his behavior in any way. Pray for him if you want, but otherwise just let it all go. You don't want this turkey living rent-free in your head!