Thatdeliveryguy

A good friend of mine grilled me today about paranoid schizophrenia and what its like. It occurred to me that people neither understand the condition or how alcoholism played a part. So I am opening myself up to questions ask anything on your mind.... How does one think the government is plotting to get him or why would I push all my furniture against my door because I thought somebody was going to harm my family? Ask and I'll answer I am exploiting myself a bit, but its for a good cause awareness. Have at it ask me anything, and I will answer?

Coldfusion

How do you feel tonight?

audra

I took psychology and one of my classes was abnormal psyc.

We learned that schizophrenia is not a dangerous illness, as in people with the illness are not prone to violent crimes. However, when you mix alcohol with the illness does that change?

Thanks

Thatdeliveryguy

Tonight I am taking Geodon, Zoloft, Disulfiram, and hydoxyzine and a few other pills. Geodon is my lifeline to reality its an atypical anti psychotic it effectively ends most of my positive symptoms ( voices delusions) Google positive symptoms schizophrenia too complex to explain here. At the moment the world inside is silent, but I am anxious about going off again, very anxious. I feel like a ticking time bomb.

Verte

Hi Jeremy,

How do you experience time?

Thatdeliveryguy

I've never been homicidal, although last week during my delusional state that got me committed I assaulted a police officer. At the time, I thought they were going to poison and kill me. I did what I felt I had to do to defend myself.

Alcohol depressed me, made me more suicidal, Miranda ( a primary voice I hear) she is evil and tells me lots of bad things told me to go ahead a do it. Hence lots of past post about suicide or allusions. Alcohol an delusions are not a good mix in my case.

Thatdeliveryguy

Time space and reality elude me, I have to ask my wife if a siren or a bell or something is real often. The voices have told me people aren't real, thus I am left trying to figure out if my own mind is lying to me or if someone is real. How do I overcome this, I have to touch them to make sure they are real. Or ask the wife about what I am hearing.

Time itself doesn't exist in my world, days have past and its felt like minutes, and minutes have passed at its felt like years. During a delusional phase everything gets tossed out the window and you sit and ponder what is "real" going on. Pretend the most horrible thing ever is going to happen to you, and you're waiting for it but it doesn't happen but you're waiting. Time would pass slowly wouldn't it, but if you've found the "answers to life" time flies by because you feel like almighty potentate. Hard to explain.

audra

Have you ever heard that we "medical scientists" in north america have labelled it schizophrenia whereas in indigenous cultures the very people who hear voices etc. are the shamans of the tribes?

Thatdeliveryguy

No audra, I've never heard that specifically although I feel primitive peoples, with primitive reasoning might think the local schizophrenic has the answers. I think they would have some answers and could explain being in two places at once or the very idea you exist. I could see people attaching themselves to that, but really its not real medicated I understand I have no super powers and can only control me. I hope I answered your question.

EndGameNYC

I understand that inner silence for you is an unfamiliar and often frightening way of being, but don't take your fear as an invitation to "treat" your calmness with a destructive storm. My concern here is that you often feel like Superman when you're drinking and/or noncompliant with your meds. I suspect that this is one reason why drinking and not taking your meds is so attractive.

As is true of your sobriety, you only need to get used to your inner silence a little bit at a time until your even-tempered state of being, your clarity of thought, and your emotional stability feels increasingly natural and desirable.

Jsbodhi

We studied this a bit in my criminology class, really interesting.

Jsbodhi

A really good friend of mine was paranoid schizophrenic. He was an amazing and fascinating person, he was really open with me about his disease too which I appreciated
All the best Jeremy, you're doing great

Thatdeliveryguy

Endgame as astute as always your spot on with you analysis. The inner silence is weird, one day I am jesus I can control the world I have a special purpose in life I have friends (not all voices are bad). The next day I have no purpose, and I come out of it slowly and realize I live the life of a hobbit, in a dilapidated run down apartment and don't have many friends.

At first I wouldn't and didn't believe my delusions. As time passed I realized I was talking out loud at times to the voices, as things further progressed I started to believe what I was hearing and told was absolute truth. Once that line is blurred its down right scary. And whats worse is you can pass in and out of delusions and you have a hard time distinguishing the difference.

Inner silence is a novelty to me, often times I go unmedicated so I can find purpose and have friends again. I know it sounds bad, but get used to the delusions and want fantasy, because my reality hurts too much to deal with at times. So better to just tune out and slip back into a delusional coma.

.

Marcher13

Jeremy while I appreciate what you are putting forward here and your honesty, isn't it better to focus on recovery?

Instead of focussing on schizophrenia which you can manage if you take medication, isn't it better to focus on alcoholism which needs your vigilant attention? Why not join the November or December class?

anattaboy

Yes, those indigenous cultures also call toilet paper "leaves". TDG, I'm wishing you the best. I know all too well the trial-and-error process docs use to find the right combo of meds for mental illness. Also, a lot of the meds are salts that require weeks to build to the right levels in one's body. It takes much longer than we are used to waiting. Hang in there- you are worth it.

LBrain

I know it's your way of dealing with things by talking about it J. But I agree with Marcher.

My question is: Do you know exactly how long the wait is to get into a rehab? If not, call them today. Pester the shoot out of them.

I'll share this. My brother nailed shut the windows to his bedroom. It took five officers to control him - and he is blind. I had to leave my phone at home or lie about having one cause he needed to call the FBI all the time. And he attacked me because I told him was full of sh+t one time about it. Please keep taking your meds Jeremy.

audra

I think talking about it is great. Problems with alcohol coincide right along with other illnesses (co-morbid) and by talking openly about it you might get some insights into your thinking processes. I don't agree that we should only talk about one of our problems and forget the rest. It's the way our medical community does things, treats this or that problem but forgets the whole person.

However, that being said, I do agree that if you could keep away from the alcohol that would immediately improve your situation and not put you in as much danger.

Frixion

^ Totally agree with Audra! Illnesses and addiction are very much related. Thank you for talking openly, you have given me a better understanding of what my old friend has been going through!

Raider

Jeremy,

Do you feel like when you are on the meds, you feel flat? Do you feel any ups and downs?

Off the meds, you experience more of what you think life is about, with all the ups and downs?

Thatdeliveryguy

Oh my that is quite the question Raider. The medication effects me in many ways. it even out my moods it silences the voices, and in general makes life silent and more manageable. If you would it removes the crazy the delusions the paranoia.

Whats weird is you grow accustomed to noise in my case only auditory hallucinations. The noise and you become one it becomes a part of you, the voices and you interact and become friends or enemies. Sometimes they would narrate my life, iE Jeremy is walking through the door, or Jeremy get on the computer. Othertimes they could haunt me, tell me evil horrific things about me, and because they are a part of me they knew me well enough to hit where it hurt. Other times, they would be my best friend at the bar at the casino, " I knew you could win" " keep playing lets win more".

There is in a sense an alternate reality, a place to go and hide and I've purposefully taken myself off of medication to do that very thing. I can't to save my life define reality medicated now I am still confused about what is real and what can be trusted.

Medicated I have ups and down and I feel sacredness and happiness, and joy..... But its different, it much more confined and constrained I no longer get super highs and super lows it more like I bounce between feeling somewhat good or somewhat bad. Its good because it evens me out, its bad because I wonder if I will ever have full enjoyment or a " super high" again. I mean a sober medicated super high.


Atypical anti psychotic have many side effects. I've gained 20 lbs in 2 months of taking them, and thats on and off. Once I go off the medication, the hallucinations tend to be at a peak, I suppose there is some psychogenic purpose for this, but not a doctor couldn't tell you.

So yes, as much as I am gaining sober time I am trying to gain sane time, and reconnect with a new reality. Life got lonely and boring on medication, I hope to find true purpose again. Thank you for your question.