megsykreeg

My husband was sober for five years before recently drinking. There is a big difference between now and five years ago. The bigest being we are now married and have a daughter. I have supported him through the years and did five years ago. He's going to be coming home from rehab in less than two weeks. I'm not quite sure how to handle everything when he comes home. I know his recovery must come first. But how do I deal with my feelings of distrust especially when it comes to our daughter? He took our daughter to the liquor store to get alcohol and came home put her in the swing and drank. He missed her first birthday due to his drinking. He did make the wonderful decision to go to rehab. I just am struggling with how to handle my feelings with everything. Five years ago we were only dating and when he came home from rehab I was as supportive as always. He proved himself to my family and we got married. Then his mom was dying and rather than handle it, he turned to alcohol. I still feel like things were never resolved from five years ago with us. Like he came home and just pretended it didn't happen. Now when I talk to him, it's similar where he tells me to not beat him up. I do not continue to go over everything. It came up last night on the phone because I have something to go to a few days after he gets home. He said he would then watch the baby and go visit with his mom for a couple hours. I hesitated which he pushed me on why. I didn't want to talk about it because I knew it would be a bad idea to talk on the phone about my distrust with our daughter but he kept pushing the issue. I told him there were consequences to his drinking. He flipped out. I think probably consequences was not the word I should've used. I'm not sure how to show my support while at the same time conveying my fear and hurt. I have fully forgiven him but I don't trust him. How can I? I know I will learn to trust him again it's just not time yet. He's not even home. He did later apologize for flipping out saying he understood my pain. I don't feel like he does and feel like it's going to be the same all over again. We won't really deal with it. I'll hide my true feelings about anything that bothers me for fear he'll drink...

lillamy

Al-Anon. That's my advice. Because you will get guidance there in how to handle your feelings regarding his drinking, and how to focus on YOU and not on whether he's staying sober or not.

If you hide your true feelings, all you do is hurt yourself. I did that for 20 years, and AXH assumed that because I didn't yell at him when he fell asleep in his own vomit on the bathroom floor, I was OK with it. Etc.


If he's so worried about how you will treat him that he threatens to start drinking if you don't hide your emotions, I would venture to suggest that maybe coming HOME after rehab isn't something he's ready for yet. Maybe he needs a few months in a sober house?

hopeful4

Hello and a warm welcome to you. I am sorry for what brings you here, but glad you found us.

Question, does the rehab facility offer any family counseling? I would look into that and definitely participate. If not, I would find a follow up counselor locally who specializes in working w/families with addiction. Don't back down on him not driving your child or being alone with your child until he has earned trust. That's right, trust is earned.

Definitely counseling to lay out some firm ground rules.

megsykreeg

The rehab facility is in Florida and I'm in NJ so can't really go to any counseling sessions. I've looked into Al-anon in my area but unfortunately because of my daughter there's not really one I can go to without bringing her. Not sure if they would allow that though. Yes I don't trust him and he realizes that and that's what's hard for him.

dandylion

megs....most all rehabs do discharge planning before the return home. Perhaps you could, with your husband's permission of course, speak with the discharge planner about your concerns. Have you considered asking him to go to a sober living house?
Can you honestly tell him that you are not ready for his return, just yet--that you need more time to work on yourself?

You could always go to an addictions counselor, right now, to talk about the early recovery period. (for yourself)

dandylion

LexieCat

Most Al-Anon groups are OK with babies, as long as someone takes them outside if they fuss, so the meeting isn't disrupted too much. It's a little tougher with a toddler, but again, if someone takes them out, it's usually OK. It's best to ask at the meeting how people feel about it--each group would have its own policy on that. You might also call the local Information Service Office to ask what they suggest.

megsykreeg

I do want him to come home, I just don't trust him alone with our daughter. I'll call the local Al-anon because I do want to go to a meeting. I know I need to work on my own recovery. I guess the best place to start is to call the local information service office. I've never felt so alone in all of this too. It's good to find somewhere that others understand my pain.

HerLastNerve

Sending good thoughts your way, megsykreeg. This community is extremely supportive and proactive I've known.