dealing with my alcoholic boyfriend
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 22
dealing with my alcoholic boyfriend
I am 22, he`s 40.We have been going out for over a year. He was a high climber then a bad marriage/parents in crash/abusive ex wife and loosing his career after an attempted suicide he began drinking very heavily. I met him at this time.
Relationship was great at first, i suffered depression and he liked to drink- it just worked because at heart he`s great and at the beginning coudnt afford alcohol so spent time with me.
I didn`t even think his habits were unhealthy at first, I come from a religeos background where no-one in my family drinks. I like to get drunk on a Friday, whereas he drinks everyday
However the drinking (everyday from 2 bottles of wine to several bottles of vodka) is the only bad thing of the relationship.
His drinking made him angry, flirt with other women, defensive, projected greater hate of himself and then a hangover, and then the cycle repeats.
I have been ready to leave him so many times. I feel trapped, used and unable to do anything- it is his problem. I have tried going to Alanon with him, occupying his time with other activities and tried to make him feel special (he says he drinks because he likes to forget). It does not help, he just leaves it for a day to resume again or switches from vodka to wine.
If i leave he has no family here, friends, financially more strained and ultimately will hit rock bottom. For me it`ll mean I can concentrate on university and finding a job for next year.
Does anyone have any advice. I gave him an ultimatum on friday, but then saturday night he was drunk and on a dating site! I think it`s best for me to move into a new flat tomorrow... ? (we live together)
Relationship was great at first, i suffered depression and he liked to drink- it just worked because at heart he`s great and at the beginning coudnt afford alcohol so spent time with me.
I didn`t even think his habits were unhealthy at first, I come from a religeos background where no-one in my family drinks. I like to get drunk on a Friday, whereas he drinks everyday
However the drinking (everyday from 2 bottles of wine to several bottles of vodka) is the only bad thing of the relationship.
His drinking made him angry, flirt with other women, defensive, projected greater hate of himself and then a hangover, and then the cycle repeats.
I have been ready to leave him so many times. I feel trapped, used and unable to do anything- it is his problem. I have tried going to Alanon with him, occupying his time with other activities and tried to make him feel special (he says he drinks because he likes to forget). It does not help, he just leaves it for a day to resume again or switches from vodka to wine.
If i leave he has no family here, friends, financially more strained and ultimately will hit rock bottom. For me it`ll mean I can concentrate on university and finding a job for next year.
Does anyone have any advice. I gave him an ultimatum on friday, but then saturday night he was drunk and on a dating site! I think it`s best for me to move into a new flat tomorrow... ? (we live together)
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
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Welcome to SR Zee!
Yes getting your own place might be a good thing for your head and your goals to succeed at university. I'd not allow him in your sanctuary.
You need to figure out why you need a washed up addict in your life. There's a ton of info and folks here on SR that can help you if this us what you want.
Yes getting your own place might be a good thing for your head and your goals to succeed at university. I'd not allow him in your sanctuary.
You need to figure out why you need a washed up addict in your life. There's a ton of info and folks here on SR that can help you if this us what you want.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 22
Thanks.
I thought I was helping him, being the supportive hand who cooks for him, makes him feel wanted and give him self-confidence at a time when he has none.
Just did not realise how much it would affect me!
Yet there`s a part of me that thinks that I`m giving up on him, and that would mean he`ll never get better.
I thought I was helping him, being the supportive hand who cooks for him, makes him feel wanted and give him self-confidence at a time when he has none.
Just did not realise how much it would affect me!
Yet there`s a part of me that thinks that I`m giving up on him, and that would mean he`ll never get better.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 685
Yet there`s a part of me that thinks that I`m giving up on him, and that would mean he`ll never get better.
He is actively drinking, going on dating sites, flirting with other women and you feel trapped and used. Any one of those reasons are enough to not have him in your life.
I agree with the other posters: move out! Concentrate on your studies. Best of luck to you.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
When he WANTS to get better, he can do that. Here's the thing, your "helping" is just making it easier for him to continue with his addiction.
I'm not suggesting that your leaving will magically get him sober, either, but the "helping" definitely won't.
Having a 22 y/o girlfriend who "believes in him" can make it very easy for him to think his life isn't so bad.
This relationship, though, is clearly taking a toll on you. You do NOT want to stay hitched to this train-wreck-waiting-to-happen.
I'm not sure I understand what you meant by "going to Alanon with him." Al-Anon is for family and friends of alcoholics. Did you maybe mean AA? AA is a great recovery program, but he has to want it, and he has to do it on his own BECAUSE he wants it, not to please you.
I do highly recommend Al-Anon for you, though. It will help you get your head on straight so you can make good choices for your future. You are a very young woman--you don't need to spend your youth chained to someone as self-destructive as this.
I'm not suggesting that your leaving will magically get him sober, either, but the "helping" definitely won't.
Having a 22 y/o girlfriend who "believes in him" can make it very easy for him to think his life isn't so bad.
This relationship, though, is clearly taking a toll on you. You do NOT want to stay hitched to this train-wreck-waiting-to-happen.
I'm not sure I understand what you meant by "going to Alanon with him." Al-Anon is for family and friends of alcoholics. Did you maybe mean AA? AA is a great recovery program, but he has to want it, and he has to do it on his own BECAUSE he wants it, not to please you.
I do highly recommend Al-Anon for you, though. It will help you get your head on straight so you can make good choices for your future. You are a very young woman--you don't need to spend your youth chained to someone as self-destructive as this.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
What you've described isn't a future unless hell looks attractive. I'm not trying to be mean it's just the reality a lot of us have come to know from years of being married to and having a family with an active alcoholic. Thinking you can do anything to change him might sound or feel noble but we've all been fooled into thinking we could do that and has only driven us mad. Love yourself enough to move on before you become more entangled and make it more difficult later to make such a decision.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 258
Hey Zee, welcome to this place. You say you suffered from depression, but in your post you sound like you have a very good understanding of the situation and clear goals for the future.
It's very hard to watch someone self destruct, and it sounds only natural to me that we want the other person to get better, and also feel like we let them down when put our own well-being first. It's human, I guess.
Maybe thinking about what helped you cope with your depression can give you some insight in how to deal with your spouse, and into the limitations of trying to make someone feel better.
It's very hard to watch someone self destruct, and it sounds only natural to me that we want the other person to get better, and also feel like we let them down when put our own well-being first. It's human, I guess.
Maybe thinking about what helped you cope with your depression can give you some insight in how to deal with your spouse, and into the limitations of trying to make someone feel better.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
When he WANTS to get better, he can do that. Here's the thing, your "helping" is just making it easier for him to continue with his addiction.
I'm not suggesting that your leaving will magically get him sober, either, but the "helping" definitely won't.
Having a 22 y/o girlfriend who "believes in him" can make it very easy for him to think his life isn't so bad.
This relationship, though, is clearly taking a toll on you. You do NOT want to stay hitched to this train-wreck-waiting-to-happen.
I'm not sure I understand what you meant by "going to Alanon with him." Al-Anon is for family and friends of alcoholics. Did you maybe mean AA? AA is a great recovery program, but he has to want it, and he has to do it on his own BECAUSE he wants it, not to please you.
I do highly recommend Al-Anon for you, though. It will help you get your head on straight so you can make good choices for your future. You are a very young woman--you don't need to spend your youth chained to someone as self-destructive as this.
I'm not suggesting that your leaving will magically get him sober, either, but the "helping" definitely won't.
Having a 22 y/o girlfriend who "believes in him" can make it very easy for him to think his life isn't so bad.
This relationship, though, is clearly taking a toll on you. You do NOT want to stay hitched to this train-wreck-waiting-to-happen.
I'm not sure I understand what you meant by "going to Alanon with him." Al-Anon is for family and friends of alcoholics. Did you maybe mean AA? AA is a great recovery program, but he has to want it, and he has to do it on his own BECAUSE he wants it, not to please you.
I do highly recommend Al-Anon for you, though. It will help you get your head on straight so you can make good choices for your future. You are a very young woman--you don't need to spend your youth chained to someone as self-destructive as this.
thanks for your advice :-) It`s just a really strange situation to be in!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by zee11
It`s just a really strange situation to be in!
Not to be a smartass, but you can be grateful that you recognize how strange it is. The danger is that if we stay put long enough, it starts to feel normal. That's when it REALLY gets hard to leave.
You can tell him that you care about him and want to see him get well, but that you cannot and will not sit by while he self-destructs.
That's what I told my alcoholic husband when I left him. I left before I hated him, I was able to sincerely wish him well, but recognize that it was not in my power to change the course of his life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by 9111111
Hey Zee, welcome to this place. You say you suffered from depression, but in your post you sound like you have a very good understanding of the situation and clear goals for the future.
It's very hard to watch someone self destruct, and it sounds only natural to me that we want the other person to get better, and also feel like we let them down when put our own well-being first. It's human, I guess.
Maybe thinking about what helped you cope with your depression can give you some insight in how to deal with your spouse, and into the limitations of trying to make someone feel better.
It's very hard to watch someone self destruct, and it sounds only natural to me that we want the other person to get better, and also feel like we let them down when put our own well-being first. It's human, I guess.
Maybe thinking about what helped you cope with your depression can give you some insight in how to deal with your spouse, and into the limitations of trying to make someone feel better.
I have tried to talk things through, got him to join an acting class (one of those things he`s always wanted to do plus he looks good on camera) and even hide alcohol- but that made him bordering violent. There are constant promises of "better" behaviour, and he`s even spent a lot of my money (not much considering I`m a student!) on alcohol. Recently there has even been drugs which I found accidently, another thing he lied about even though occasional drug use does not bother me. but lying about suggests its not occasional!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by zee11
I have tried to talk things through, got him to join an acting class (one of those things he`s always wanted to do plus he looks good on camera) and even hide alcohol- but that made him bordering violent. There are constant promises of "better" behaviour, and he`s even spent a lot of my money (not much considering I`m a student!) on alcohol. Recently there has even been drugs which I found accidently, another thing he lied about even though occasional drug use does not bother me. but lying about suggests its not occasional!
Most of us here have done those kinds of things, and all it did was make us crazier, and it didn't do one bit of good for the alcoholic.
The new flat sounds like a FABULOUS idea, and at this point the less contact with him, the better, I suspect.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by LexieCat
I did every one of those things. I tried getting him interested in his passions, I tried going to meetings with him, I confronted him about hidden alcohol, I extracted (and believed) the promises that he was "done."
Most of us here have done those kinds of things, and all it did was make us crazier, and it didn't do one bit of good for the alcoholic.
The new flat sounds like a FABULOUS idea, and at this point the less contact with him, the better, I suspect.
Most of us here have done those kinds of things, and all it did was make us crazier, and it didn't do one bit of good for the alcoholic.
The new flat sounds like a FABULOUS idea, and at this point the less contact with him, the better, I suspect.
Yes there`s a part of me excited to have my own space, which doesn`t have vodka bottles across the floors and broken bits of glass! And also be able to go out and know I`ll be done with the hangover the day after (whereas with bf he`ll drink the next day too and the day after!)
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by zee11
Really. Thanks for that, it sometimes feels lonely when you tell your friends how you are trying to help!
Alexander Supertramp :)
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 148
LISTEN if he wont change his drinking for you he has made the decision for you. Nothing good will come of this. Your young and intelligent I am sure there is a much better fit for you out there. Don't allow for an active alcoholic suck the life out of you. He will change when he is ready.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
Good choice to move.
He will have to choose his own recovery or not, not in your power.
What is in your power is to look after yourself and do well in college.
Your future is as bright as you allow it to be
I suggest you move ASAP, don't give him the address, and
change or block your phone if he won't let you alone.
A clean break is best in these type of situations.
Dont try to be "friends" but get some space and heal.
Don't be surprised if he tries to draw you back in with the
"Poor me, I miss you baby, it will all be different" stuff--
That's a common tactic so don't buy into it.
Do give Al-Anon a try--that could be very helpful
Good luck!
He will have to choose his own recovery or not, not in your power.
What is in your power is to look after yourself and do well in college.
Your future is as bright as you allow it to be
I suggest you move ASAP, don't give him the address, and
change or block your phone if he won't let you alone.
A clean break is best in these type of situations.
Dont try to be "friends" but get some space and heal.
Don't be surprised if he tries to draw you back in with the
"Poor me, I miss you baby, it will all be different" stuff--
That's a common tactic so don't buy into it.
Do give Al-Anon a try--that could be very helpful
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I think it`s best for me to move into a new flat tomorrow... ? (we live together)
Me, thinks it's more of an absolute necessity to get the hell out of his way. He will suck the very last breath out of you if you allow him. Doesn't hitting that brick wall at 100 m.p.h hurt? The crazy train will continue for as long as you allow it. He has shown you who he truly is, what you do with that info is all you. You certainly deserve better, ? Right?
He is a 40 year old Adult Man, he can take care of himself, seriously sweetie, he is using you for his own selfish needs
Me, thinks it's more of an absolute necessity to get the hell out of his way. He will suck the very last breath out of you if you allow him. Doesn't hitting that brick wall at 100 m.p.h hurt? The crazy train will continue for as long as you allow it. He has shown you who he truly is, what you do with that info is all you. You certainly deserve better, ? Right?
He is a 40 year old Adult Man, he can take care of himself, seriously sweetie, he is using you for his own selfish needs
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: sitting down and facing front
Posts: 170
Zee, my 2c worth is the same as others - you are so young, you have way better things to do than babysit a 40 year old man. If we could love our alcoholics into sobriety, we wouldn't need this forum. There's no magic word to make his behaviour better, no secret trick to stopping his cravings, no way you can do "just the right thing in just the right way". The only way he will get better is if he wants to - not for you, not for anyone, just for himself.
Trust me, you don't want to be pushing 50 and wondering where the time went while you waited for your AH to get his sh!t together... you are worth more than that.
As a therapist I saw once said ... "do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?"
Trust me, you don't want to be pushing 50 and wondering where the time went while you waited for your AH to get his sh!t together... you are worth more than that.
As a therapist I saw once said ... "do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?"
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 156
I wonder how " abusive " that ex wife actually was. This man probably has other people in his life already waiting for him to hit rock bottom, and disappointed he is with a 20 year old who is cooking, and making the fall a little softer.
Do him a favor and move on, get your own apt, focus on your schooling, and make your life into something beautiful. He is going to use whoever he is with right now so that he can avoid his disease... and it will take you down with it! And you have your whole life ahead of you, and only 1 year lost. don't let it turn into 4. In my opinion.
Do him a favor and move on, get your own apt, focus on your schooling, and make your life into something beautiful. He is going to use whoever he is with right now so that he can avoid his disease... and it will take you down with it! And you have your whole life ahead of you, and only 1 year lost. don't let it turn into 4. In my opinion.
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